game for hours, I mean HOURS. I can play sims all morning (my stick to game when I'm feeling lonely, it's a godcomplex thing). Mother made me eggplant parm! I was eating it and steve came over, we were playing guitar hero when we were made to leave my father and older brother. They wanted to...golf. So we went golfing. I'm no good, and such. Couldn't find the right club or hit the goddamn ball at the right angle. Came home and we all ate dinner. Dave says he will teach me to drive standard, when I get my license. (For the record, I get my car next friday from ohio.) I gave him his chocolate seashell I brought him from Maine. Me and steve went to try to meet chelsey and matt at the park. However, I believe it was not the matt we were thinking of. Good thing we got there after they left, eh? We spun on the tire swing, I love the tire swing. It was so dizzying. We swung, and then went home. Oh, and without as many words, I've been booted from his house. There are certain things I don't like talking about, and this is one of them. It's been a while since I was kicked out of anywhere. However, I realize today it is not just my paranoia, his family really doesn't like me as much as they pretended to. Don't get me wrong, I won't get all upset about this, except I do love being at his house, going places with them, I like his family. I don't think I'll feel comfortable doing that anymore. What do I care what anyone should think? But sometimes it matters, yes. Every once upon a time I convince myself it's just may paranoia, see? They're nice and I've held up my end of the conversation. Find out later I'm being tolerated. Need to make people laugh, that's what you need to do. And don't have sex on their couch.
My tummy hurts. It was the ice cream for breakfast and the large amount of cheese I had for brunch. ******* hate my stomach. ******* hate it. I'm going to have that weak bone disease, when I'm older, becuase I can't eat calcium anywhere but soy, and I just can't see to remember to do that.
I know I shouldn't be cross with you, because it's not your fault. How in the hell could you have known I had once had commitment issues and hooked up with the guy you brought up, in front of my current boyfriend, who hates him. No, I mean seriously. Not like it's common knowledge or anything. Not like it matters much, either, because that's the only time I've seen you all summer, but just incase you know, I ever want to remember for anything, it upset me. And I look up to you, and it upset me. I am sorry for taking it out on you, but it just upset me. A lot.
Dear Jared DE,
I know you, you're one of those kids, with an overdeveloped vocabulary, probably a bookworm as a child, and someone in the world hurt you. I don't mean anyone, I mean someone really picked on you, and they were...not perfect. Smoker, drinker, precarious sexual icon, whatever it was. And now you can't stand people like that. And he introduced yourself to me, weeks ago. And you thought I was like you, and I am. Well I was. Maybe that part of me's dead, but I don't think so. I just grew from that. I decided one day I was so damn sick of it, and made my peace. And you realized that about me, now you feel you're above me. About corey and jake. For that I think less of you. Nobody is ever above another human being. You see me light up, and you don't talk to me anymore. You hear the stories we all tell, and you don't think they're funny like we do. Well here's news, I'm dissapointed in you, for not pushing past your prejudices.
No, I lied. I'm stilll not ready to write you anything real. I won't say "you don't deserve it" because you did nothing wrong. I am solely angry with myself. But you, to me, are an open wound. Becuase even though you moved on (even though I permanently pushed my way into your memories, in every way I could manage), I still feel the effects of my mistake every day, in the way he looks at me. That's it.
Dear Aj and Kyle,
If there's one thing I learned this year, it's just how far I will go to hold on to my cousins. To not drift from them, when I've been working all of my sixteen years to get closer. In reality, it's a very unsafe thing, to look up to people. You set yourself up for dissapointment, like I learn. You also let them almost puppet you, you let them govern your thoughts without even thinking twice about it. Without thinking at all. It would be great to say I learned, I'm changing, but that's not it. I'm not. I haven't dropped out the bottom yet, so I'm not done. Hey, until I start feeling the reprecussions, like REALLY feeling them, I can't guarantee anything. I will continue to push the envelope!
I will not get scared, I will not get scared, I will not get scared. I will not say to myself every minute or so "It's just not the right time, I'll know when it's the right time" Because if I do, it will never be the right time. This goes with every aspect of my life, but specifically my current project is asking shei to buy me a pack. Things like that, make me so anxious. Asking people for things. Even littler things, or just telling people news they might not take FABULOUSLY. Not even badly, just not absolutely spectacularly.
For the record, I spent hours playing Diner Dash alone, it makes me quite nostalgic for my own diner days. Such a great first job, but I don't miss the steady hours, and the heavy customer expectation. Small town, they always remember your face.
When I have some big revolutionary realization about humanity or whatever, it isn't because some idiot pissed me off and I'm fuming about it. I am the prime example of all of my realizations. I mean, who else do I know enough about to make gestures like that at? I just realized that all, ftw.
I think I got it all covered.