All Journal Entries Journals

Bye! Bye! Time to move forward..Again!

May 14, 2014 - 14 comments

I am writing this in for my own mind, so I can come back and see how far I really did let go or for how long.
Today is May 14, 2014..I had lost a lot of my Family starting in 2013 to the last being my Mom on Feb 17 2014. As this will be the last entry I do on her computer over here at her home. I have made it a habit and now I must break it and let go!!! Been coming over here and reaching out on this site since 2012. I always came over here and stayed with her for hours as I would share some things on here. Then when she passed I put her ashes on the couch and I sometimes have short talks with her. We have been putting the family to rest in steps as they have to be driven far to where they wanted their ashes thrown. Now today the Trailer is going to be pulled out forever. I will have to move the ashes to my house until we take them 8-10hours away. One step at a time and this seems to be all I have done since my Detox back in 2012. Baby Steps!!! I want to GROW UP NOW!!!! I am Praying I will not go into a really bad Mental State from this..Maybe it is toooo soon or maybe it is good to move on..This Trailer being moved off my Property is going to really affect the Dogs and Cats too. We have her Dog and I am worried about how this will be on him mostly. He does not come in here, but Does he think she will be coming back??? I do think in my Heart he knows she is gone because he was by her side as the Cancer grew all over her chin area and so on..He could smell it and he was with her in her private times of Crying. Right now I have some Tears coming down! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! The cat still likes to come in here and sleep..She has been going around here meowing for her mama. Oh Dear GOD! Please make this transaction peaceful on our Hearts. Even my Hub is pacing a bit. We are letting a family member take the Trailer for personal reason, but now we are wondering if this is the right thing to do..I know it is, yes I know it is...We would of just sold it anyway..It takes to much to take care of it in the Winter too! I guess a Lil 36 foot trailer became part of the picture around here and it was in it's own place and planted for SO many, many Years. I should be getting a Green House set up here in the place of this Trailer..SO I must take the Bad, Hurt, Sad things and turn them around for the Best! No more RVs in this RV set up on this property as long as we are here. It will be a asset when we sell because it has ALL of the hookups and sewer line etc. OK, OK, OK, I WILL BE FINE! Grow up, Grow up, take some Bigger Steps!
3 down and 2 more to still put to rest!!! (Mom & Phil)
Bless us ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post a Comment
3197167 tn?1348968606
by clean_in_ks, May 14, 2014
Oh, SO many endings and beginnings for you right now.  I sure wish I could be there with you....(I'm NOT just saying that either....I REALLY wish I could hug you and be there with you Vickie!)

It's so good that you have chosen to journal these feelings.....a year from now you will be so grateful you took the time.

Going to your Mom's trailer has been a "safe place" for you for a LONG time.  Getting on her computer and talking to all of us.....using her has been a "haven" for you in some ways.  Just the cutting off of the phone service, ending your computer use over there, and unhooking all the utility lines has to feel like "knifes in your heart".....because it seems more final.  I would imagine it actually feels like something inside of you has been "cut off"......and that hurts (A LOT).

Even the trailer not physically "being there" will conjure up feelings of emptiness....for awhile.  It will look different...and will be a glaring reminder that your Mom is not there anymore.  I hope you will to continue to seek out more and more ways to process this grief.  A place where you feel safe and talk about it (in real life I mean....not just here on MH).  After I had my car accident in 2008 and totaled my car....every single time I opened the garage door and saw that "empty spot" where my car used to felt like a knife in my heart.  I went 3 years w/o a it was empty for a VERY long time.  I bought my own car when I was 16 yrs it was hard not to have my own wheels of "freedom" after so many years. time.....3-1/2 years later......I once again had some wheels.....and I'm sure those years taught me something and I grew because of them.  The reminder of the "pain" of my horrible accident was what "knifed" me....NOT the materialistic attitude of not having "a car" (just clarifying).

I didn't mean to "get off on my own stuff"....just attempting to relate to how you may feel when that "precious, honorary spot" of your Mom's is empty.

I love you girl.....I know this is hard......I am hugging you with all I've got...and I will pray and pray for Him to give you the strength you need to get thru all this.

Avatar universal
by weaver71, May 14, 2014
My personal thoughts, that's cats and dogs will like the greenhouse as much more as you do. Moving forward sounds like what's happening. You can put a chair in there and write to us, the cat will keep it warm for you. All those plants too, grow some cat nip and they will never even remember that trailer. I'm sure it is hard, but I see a much better opportunity for you to grow coming out of it.

7188197 tn?1399464311
by takingmylifeback2014, May 14, 2014
I agree with Weaver I think it's going to be a good thing for you to grow more! Though it will be very tough and sad at first!
Love you Girl!!

3197167 tn?1348968606
by clean_in_ks, May 14, 2014
I neglected to comment on the Greenhouse that will go where the trailed is an EXCELLENT have NEW LIFE coming out of Elsie's former will make her smile~

Avatar universal
by weaver71, May 14, 2014
That's right Connie, Love and new life going forward. That was what mom hated most, was not being able to do things and move forward. The greenhouse is like handing off the torch to carry that love on and share it. Besides, you live gardening. If you don't keep growing, you're hinges get Wobbly and you might blow a gasket. It's healing to out your hands in the earth and pull food a beatiful flowers out of it. I just had to comment agin after that death to life comment, I think she said what I was feeling. You've been doing that today Connie, it must be that it's a full moon.

6990909 tn?1435275816
by jugglin, May 14, 2014
Oh Vic, my heart goes out to you today of all days.  The trailer leaving must be so difficult for you - as it contains so many memories and has been your refuge.  
You are a beautiful, strong, amazing woman who is choosing to live and move through these feelings.  The growth you have shared already has been a true inspiration.
The idea of a greenhouse is absolutely wonderful.  A beautiful place for you to spend time growing.  
Give extra hugs to the dog and cat as I am sure they will provide you the comfort they did your mother.
Peace and love!

Avatar universal
by luvabugga, May 14, 2014
It's never easy, but you're not alone.  Wishing you Peace.......

7282682 tn?1397237735
by nonights, May 14, 2014
How about putting the computer in the garden. Then you will still have a haven. I hope I have half the strength you do girl. You show me how its done.

1827057 tn?1397520277
by ricart70, May 14, 2014
Good going Vic.  Keep pushing through. I know that mental pain is so hard and I hope you have a great great summer my friend. ;))  I wish happiness for you often when I am thinking about stuff. ;))

Avatar universal
by msdelight, May 14, 2014
Beauty for ashes. May her garden grow and nourish this new chapter of your life. A mother's love can never die.

3197167 tn?1348968606
by clean_in_ks, May 14, 2014
How profound, MsD!!!!!

4522800 tn?1470325834
by VICourageous, May 14, 2014
Hello! You guys and gals are toooooo funny!!
It was sad and I did cry alot. My Hub kept asking me if I am OK..Well we did play he11 getting it out of there and the Truck that was pulling it started to leak fluids..My Hub said that Elsie does not want this Trailer moved so she is making things happen Ha!..Anyway, the dog seemed fine. At first he was a bit confused and went down the Driveway when it was pulling out, but he came back.
Hub & I had one big mess to clean in that Trailer area..Yes it looks nice out there because we can now see all of those trees and such. The big thing today beside the Trailer was having to re-wire it all over here. I was hooked to a router box from her house and now I come straight in from the Dish. EVERYTHING ended up being just OK. Time to grieve a bit and time to let go!!! Yep and I do feel a big relief today.
Just have to get used to being on the Computer over here in my
The BIG GREEN HOUSE will be next..I have to laugh about the Computer being hooked up in the Green House..NOW that is something to think about..Hahaha
Thank You my MH Friends. It has been a tough few months I will say, but it has also made me grow and feel stronger. One day at a time and each day is and will get better..Time to LIVE Life in the right way! lol

7284346 tn?1402238725
by AShellof_Me, May 15, 2014
What a journey you've been on girl...thank you for sharing your process of loss, grieving, and growing with us all. You are a bad azz divinely ordained girlie... indeed.

I read through all from the top of your thread to your last comment... and can already see the process of healing beginning... what a lovely sight to behold.  You quite an amazing woman Vic.  And, you know, it is okay to cry! LOL... I had to learn that... I used to be so stoic... and now, I'm such a damn marshmallow!! ha! Tears are cleansing... Perhaps meant them for a reason - go figure!

May I just say... THIS journal is a perfect example of how our experience, strength, and hope can/DOES inspire and help others? Your journey and growth and experience... and willingness to push through the pain of SO much loss SOBER is quite INCREDIBLE AND you ARE doing it!!  How inspiring is that? How do you do it? ONE day at a time... faith... MedHelp... :)... support... not alone... :)... so good ... so great!  

Praying for your heart Vickie. May God continue to heal your grieving heart and give you comfort and peace. Nothing can take away the loss... but perhaps God will restore to you other love relationships to fill your heart. He often does. May you continue to GROW and CRY!! and FEEL!!! The best thing about being SOBER is we learn to FEEL... the worst thing about being sober... is we learn to feel... :)... right? lol... it's all good. And we grow. thank you for sharing your growth because it helps YOU and it helps me too.
Bless YOU Vickie!

5347058 tn?1381188426
by ariley13, May 15, 2014
You are growing, and soon you will be growing all kinds of good stuff in your new greenhouse. I think it's a wonderful tribute for your mama. New life, beauty of nature, all that good stuff. I am amazed (as always) at your resilience and strength. Please know how much you are cared about and loved. We are all saying prayers for your continued growth, and healing. Love you!

Post a Comment