May 15, 2014
So. I finished school. Had good moments, and bad. Mostly good. Will start by saying I started to see a girl I had known for a few years through my sister. She was quite conservative, which everyone thought I would be put off by- considering my outlandish and wild behavior of past years. Deep down, that is who I am though... and definitely who I become more of as I return to my normal self. Well, she and I had lunch/dinner a few times. Layed on the couch together... Our last day consisted of me (exhausted from exams) laying on her bed with her head on my chest. It was quite bittersweet getting close to her. We never discussed the future really. She kind of thought and I think hoped I would be moving to Charlotte as she will be. Being that she is from Indiana, and quite attached to her home I think, I didn't believe she would stay in NC longer than her residency for her last semester of occupational therapy. It is funny- one of the reasons I avoided trying to date her was that I knew she would be leaving. I am definitely looking for something more long term at this point in my life. Ironic I started to see her the last month she was here. It just kind of happened. Really- her inviting me to spend time with her as she dog-sat for a friend was the turning point. She would sit close to me, which felt so awesome. I never even kissed her, but I didn't have to. A very pretty girl, but it was her personality that attracted me to her. We both liked to listen to classical music while we studied, liked and could cook, gardening, the stars. It wasn't what we liked, it was the way we liked it. Part of me feels like I could hold on forever. The girls from my counseling group told me to drop it. It's frustrating to hear that from people who seem to have a lot of issues with their long-term romances- and know they are probably right. She went to Ireland immediately after school. It kind of hurt me when she said something along the lines of text me when you ... (I don't remember what- but something in the distant future). I kind of felt like that was the sever. I asked her to come visit me when she comes back to town to pick up her stuff to move to Charlotte in two weeks or so. She seemed to say, "I think I will have an hour or two for that." I really think she is just doing it out of pity, because I will be laying in bed from my surgery at that point. But oh well. As I told my t-doc - it is better that nothing progressed too far, nothing is so official and long term already. I remember I texted her one last thing after she told me how hard it was to say by to my sister (makes me feel great about me- huh?). I just said, "it's not goodbye - it's see you later." I think it might not ever bee see you later though. I think about her every day. I remember telling my friends for years about this girl- how much I liked her and could see myself with her. She always seemed too good for me, especially with my darker side of life she never saw. Once I quit drinking, I found myself feeling worthy of being a close friend- and then eventually went along with allowing our relationship to become more romantic.
The last day we said goodbye, I watched her car as long as I could as we left her apartment in separate cars. It was a really beautiful evening. Beautiful sunset, and perfect breeze. Reminded me of the Florida coast in the winter. I finally reached a major intersection of Memorial and Greenville Blvd. I looked at a motorcycle turning from the stoplight into the breezy, early-setting sun and remember thinking "I could go for a motorcycle."
I came out about my mental illness publically on a private social media outlet. I just said something like "From being alone in the world, to learning how to live with a mental illness, to finishing my last semester of college on the Dean's list." It felt good, and I got a lot of support. Not sure if it was for the school or the mental illness part. It did feel good to get out. I don't mind making myself a martyr for the cause. I think it is something someone shouldn't be embarrassed about. There are a lot of people I wanted to know, so, not such a bad way of telling them all at once. I never talked to the girl I was dating about it. I have found it was better to do after someone got to know me better, so they saw me as a person before seeing me as a mental illness.
Well, my semester ended up being the best semester I have probably had in both college and high school. Out of my 6 classes, 4 were A's, one was an A-, and one was a B+. The last two were classes where it was nearly impossible for anyone to get an A in. So, I graduated and actually talked to a professor from my church about grad school. He told me though my accounting GPA was 1/10 of a point too low to get into grad school, I should take the GMAT and could possibly get an exception. He goes to my church. It was nice to talk to him, as I gave him a low teacher evaluation with comments that kind of outed myself as the person who wrote them. I don't think he remembered. I hope not. Anyway, somehow I finished school with a 3.06... something I thought was mathematically impossible, even with a 4.0. One of the A's was a grade replace though, so somehow I made it. My last semester's average was a 3.83. I should have a lot to be proud of.
We celebrated with friends and family through both of my graduations. I was pretty happy, but now everyone is gone and I am once again alone. To make things worse, my surgery is exactly one week from now. My mother told me she will be with me the day of and day after my surgery (to take me to physical therapy). I feel like I am being stranded. I know the first week is extremely horrible as far as trying to move around. Someone told me I basically will not want to get out of bed the first week. She also told me she may not be able to bring me to many of my bi-weekly physical therapy sessions. So, I'm pretty screwed. One of my only friends around here has a new job during the day and everyone else I know pretty much doesn't have a car. I know of about 3-4 people home for the summer. The majority of my interaction over the last 8 months have been with classmates.
Well, at least I can finally put my GPA on my resume. I was advised to stay local and try to work a smaller accounting job if I want to get into the MSA program in a few semesters. I've decided the field I mostly want to join is forensic auditing. Sounds interesting. Then again, I'd be happy being a regular accountant at a business with which I had an interest.
I've finally caught up on some things in the garden. I have an abundance of lettuces. Harvested a few strawberries from my starts. Tomatoes and broccoli plants are going strong. Beans, not so much. I have been working at my to-do list, which has been reduced to about 35 things. Some bad news is that my neighbor below will be moving before too long. The apartment is not too bad, so I am feeling like it will be occupied before long. The fact that he was quiet and didn't mind me moving around a lot was perfect. Knowing he has deafness in one ear made me feel quite free to walk around a lot. So, I had a fellow accounting classmate looking at the apartment next to mine. I first warned him of the recent murder in my neighborhood and the fact I was nearly robbed, but then realized he would be a great neighbor (being that he is in grad school and studies 24/7 in the library). So, I finished some shelving in the attic above my apartment, which should be able to house a lot of things above the insulation. I am glad that I can put some of my junk up there. I certainly have enough of it. So, today I am going to get a few houseplants, maybe even a bonsai. I have wanted one for a couple of months. I recently brewed up some ginger ale, which wasn't carbonated unfortunately. So, I am going to give it another shot today probably. Going to get bottling caps and a few plants. I will probably be back on here a lot, now that I have time. I bid you adieu medhelp.