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Miss Kalista, A New Brother & A Day of Rest

Aug 02, 2009 - 5 comments
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leukemia

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In the midst of this latest abscess, two trips to the doctor and hot packs 4 times a day, Mik and the 4 grandchildren came and spent Thursday and Friday.  We kept these days to ourselves and didn't really "plan" events ... just shared time together.  We did go grocery shopping ... and plugged in the refrigerator despite the door liner not being prepared properly ... as we had to have someplace cold for food for the kids.  

Miss Kalista's color was not good and I mentioned it to Mikki.  Her behavior was also subdued and her joints hurt.  Mikki explained she was having a "down" day and that it is part of what she goes through.  The following day, however, she talked and cried in her sleep.  She awoke in tears with her joints hurting, her feet hurting, her fingers tingling and her throat hurting (the chemo makes ulcerations in her throat).  She cried, "I need my medicine." and the hydrocodone was retrieved and given to her.  A friend of Mikki's also commented on her color and she seemed much more lethargic and teary than the day before.  Her appetite was down, 3-4 small bites of scrambled eggs for breakfast and 3-4 small bites of noodles for lunch .. after she had a meltdown and screamed uncontrollably saying "not those noodles ... " even though she had just tasted one from the deli and said that was what she wanted.  After talking with her and asking her to use her words, I couldn't understand her screaming (something I learned from Mikki) ... she was able to tell me there were little green things in the noodles.  Looked like itsy bitsy tiny pieces of dried parsley cooked to specks the size of pepper granules.  For the next 5 minutes, I sat with her and picked every single one of them out of her noodles .. she helped by finding them and pointing them out .. and then was only able to each 3 noodles.

My heart ached for Kalista as I started to become aware of what my daughter deals with day in and day out.  Kalista told me, "I'm going to lose all my hair."  I said, "You are?  Well, you are still so very pretty even without your hair ... but your hair will grow back ... just like before."  She said, "I am sick.  Are you still sick Grandma?"  I told her yes, that we are both sick and both have medicine to take for a long time.  She then asked me if I was going to lose my hair too.  I told her, "no".  As she continued to tell me she is sick, she told me she has cancer of her blood and still has buggies .. like spiders.  I reassured her that we are both sick, we are both taking medicine for a long time so we can get better.

As we took the other kids school shopping, Kalista was carried most of the day, had several tantrums .. and I believe it was to have some control over the things she "can" control .. quite understandable.  She also spent a great deal of the day snuggling close with either her mom, her sister, or me carrying her.  For a time, she rode on my back "piggyback" style .. with her little arms wrapped around my neck .. another technique I learned from Mik and Kaleigh.  She laid her head down and fell asleep.  I held her that way, bending slightly forward for as long as I could and when the muscle cramps started in my tummy, I asked Mikki to hold her again.  Mik held her like a baby and then I held her that way as she continued to sleep.  When my arms were ready to break, I moved her to let her head rest on my shoulder and she instinctively put her little arms around my neck as I held her and had my arms under her bottom .. this time on the front of me.  I can't tell you what treasured moments these were .. how much my heart is full, breaking at her pain, and yet grateful and thankful for the blessing she has thus far stayed in remission and that the doctors have a regimen that cures 85% of the ALL leukemia these little ones are diagnosed with.  

All the time, there are three other grandchildren who need love and attention ... and I was blessed to share some special moments .. only moments this time .. with them as we searched through sale racks for school clothes.

My daughter and I had the most heartfelt and sincere talk and sharing of our lives and the love I have for her cannot be measured.  I am so proud of her for her strength and her vulnerability, her genuine caring and loving nature ... and the forgiveness, wisdom and growth of spirit she has developed in her life.  She is one amazing woman and I am in awe of who she is.

Today, I will not be online .. as I need another day to rest and heal.  I miss everyone and want to respond to everyone but find I not only need to relax physically, but mentally today.

A unique opportunity has presented itself and I am going to rise to the occasion.  I met my brother Richard for the first time around Thanksgiving of last year.  He and Sally have been such a blessing to my life.  He knew of me since he was 18 and I knew of him and my other two siblings from the time I was 13.  We yearned for each other and had an emptiness in ourselves until we found each other and met.  My sister and younger brother I have met only once.  My sister has chosen to not accept me and harbors much anger and resentment; we have not spoken since.  My younger brother knew nothing of me, did not know our father had been married before and was basically in shock when we met.  He was shy and reserved ... I think by nature ... and we've not connected since then .. although I did not feel animosity from him.

Sally called and let me know Bob is at their house with Richard and her ... and they have invited me up for the day to relax, spend some time, go out on the boat and fish.  I almost feel guilty leaving all of you .. but, as a dear MedHelp friend reminded me ... I must put on my oxygen mask first before I can put the oxygen mask on others.  

So ... I hope everyone understands how much I love all of you and am sincerely looking forward to a better more fruitful week next week with much time here on MedHelp and one other obligation that I have committed to.  I have the exercises ready to upload and create in Health pages and in posts ... and look forward to all of us getting back into the swing of things.

May you each have a blessed day, count your blessings .. and see you tomorrow.

Comments
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649848 tn?1534637300
by Barb135, Aug 02, 2009
Ranae - how touching is this journal entry.  I can see that it's been a very heart wrenching weekend for you.  And your other friend was right - you MUST put on your own mask and make sure YOU are taken care of before you can take care of anyone else......

It's wonderful that you have the brother, with whom you've apparently become quite close to and hopefully, spending the day with your other brother will help you form a great relationship with him as well.  It's very unfortunate that your sister chooses to harbor resentment - after all, nothing your parents did is YOUR fault.  But I must say that in choosing to have that attitude, it's really HER loss because she is willingly and purposefully missing out on the loving relationship that she could be having with you.  I'll pray that one day, she might be able to think differently and get to know you and enjoy your love and kindness.  

That said - do go have fun and relax - NO GUILT ALLOWED.  The board will take care of itself for today and everyone will understand.................. Have a great day.  

703362 tn?1427769928
by lucindamartinez, Aug 02, 2009
I agree with Barb Ms. Ranae......NO GUILT ALLOWED.  You give of yourself to us, your family, and countless others tirelessly.  I wish you a peaceful, relaxing, and joy-filled escape to the lake, today and any other day you may be able to sneak out there.  My love and healing prayers to you and Miss Kalista.  ******HUGS******

959621 tn?1291250552
by KalynS, Aug 02, 2009
You deserve this day of rest!!!! Your family is truly blessed to have you! I have you, your granddaughter and the rest of your family in my prayers. Dealing with a serious illness weather it be with a child or an adult is difficult but at the same time can make the bonds of a family stronger. I am glad that you had the weekend to spend with those you love.

I am sorry that your sister feels the way she does. And like the previous person posted, I feel like that is her loss also, she is missing out on having a terrific sister! You deserve this day to go spend with your brothers and relax!!!!  I hope you enjoy your day and are able to create another day of special memories!!!!!

Kalyn

483733 tn?1326802046
by TrudieC, Aug 02, 2009
Enjoy your day!  What a lovely opportunity!  Yes, your sister is the one missing out on knowing someone as special as you.

Thank you for sharing your time with your family.  My heart goes out to Kalista - such a hard time for someone so young.  Having them visit was just what the doctor ordered.  Isn't it wonderful when we can have such a close relationship with our adult children?  I also have an only child and the closeness I have with my son is so central in my life.  They are surely a blessing.

Much love, Trudie

657315 tn?1319494987
by twehner5, Aug 03, 2009
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~OFFICIAL MH GUILT-FREE ZONE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so glad Mikki and the kids came for a visit and you got to spend some treasured moments with all of them.  I love the way you look at things.  You remind ME to take a glance from a different perspective.  THANK YOU !

Oh, DO have fun at the lake!  I hope some more happy memories are made and shared by all.  I hope you enjoy some much needed healing, both physically and emotionally.  We ALL need those times.

Take care and catch these:  ((((HUGE HUGS))))

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