Aug 02, 2009
There are rules to every family, mine is no exception. However, I don't believe mine are quite vanilla. I dream when she's home or near by, whether you want to believe that or not. I don't call it anything, in fact, I just shrug it off. But today was different. It started out fairly normally, though. I was cleaning out of obsession and then R rang and said to come up to Colby and Charity's. I took a shower and then she rang to say A-hole was there and to hang low. I told her I was going to do laundry, but in the end, she ended up being there while I was still there. I was trying to watch The Spirit for like, four hours (no kidding - it was so boring and I didn't even finish it). I had given Nico a bath, so she was tied outside the door and effing A-hole LET HER IN. I'm not an aggressive person, but when she came in and did her "I'm better than you" walk past me, I wanted to punch her square in the face. She gets away with everything and I'm treated like scum. No, the scum of scum. So R asked me to leave because "D has been with his friends" and A-hole was still there. "D being with friends" means he'd be coming home drunk off his *** and it would probably turn into WWIII with the combination of A-hole, Alex, D, R, and myself. No one thinks it's fair that I have to bow down to A-hole. Like I said, I usually just shrug it off because there's nothing I can really do about it. I'm not going to dwell on it. I have my own life to figure out and I just don't care anymore. I don't hate her, I really don't - I just am not trying anymore. No one can make me feel guilty for not trying to be her sister again. When she grows up and realizes what a biznitch she is and how horribly she's treated everyone along with the fact she's a pathological liar, manipulating sociopath, demonic narcissist - then maybe we'll be sisters again. Who knows? When she wants to be friends, I'll be friends; I'll be her other half again. I just don't think - scratch that - I know that it's not going to happen anytime soon. I love her, and it's unfortunate because she isn't deserving of all that she has received.
I would just love to be the one who gives her a taste of reality. I would like to have her come crying to me about how superficial she is and has made her life. Ugh. I want to say I'd like to second think about helping her, but I can't. God. Yes, God. Please God, give me the strength to detach myself from these reckless feelings. Do your healing and heal her - let her know just how evil she has been to other people. Please. I don't know if I believe in you and that just emphasizes my faith, but I figured I'd give it a try. I'm not trying to say I don't have growing to do - I believe life is an eternity of knowledge. I just ... don't know anymore. I think you've given me a **** load of "mysterious" circumstances but if you're real, then you've either given me the guidance to find surrogacy in others or you had them find me. Fate, reincarnation, the trinity, etc.; it's too much. So, please. Please give me peace of mind and strength to keep at this constant struggle. It's a challenge but that's what I'm always seeking. Sometimes it feels like too much and I break down, but whether there's something in my heart that says "perk up" or just my PTSD and lameness, I'm still alive at 23. I don't want to be 23 or a day older, but You or whatever keep me here. I keep myself here. Or something. I don't know. I'm afraid that if I have faith in You, that's just going to complicate my life even more. I don't have anything against your devoted followers, but honestly, they scare me. Their prayers are like creepy chants and sermons are like watching a mentally retarded group during a class.
I guess what I want is peace of mind and strength to help me along these rough days. If you're watching, you know they're rough and maybe that's funny to you. (I think it's kind of funny, too, so that's okay.) Heal me? Am I allowed to ask for that for myself? Or is it restricted to others only?