Jun 14, 2014
Just wanted to say it is three weeks after surgery. I have been on a lowered dosage and strength of pain meds. Taking about 2 -3 hydrocodones a day (if needed). Unfortunately, ever since the oxycodone, I have slowly evolved into hypomania. Last night was bad. Now, I am awake 3 hours later like I slept for 12. I am doing this weird sleep schedule I have never really had to deal with so much: 4 am-7 am then 12:00 noon - 4pm. Last night, since I was up early for an interview on relatively little sleep at 8 am, I went to sleep from about 4-9 pm. I awoke, calling my mother and telling her I wanted to keep it short so I could go back to sleep and reset it. Quite the opposite happened. I continued to try to finish this attic-pulley contraption that I had already put about 4 hours worth of work into. I ended up sawing by hand outside a little, inside a lot. Sawdust everywhere. My apartment is a plethora of tools and projects strewn about. Somehow there are few dirty clothes in the mix, since I now own my own washer/dryer. Looking around is very disheartening. I was attempting to clean when I became entranced in the attic pulley thing. I was making a platform to be able to raise things up on. So, it was about 20 pounds worth of 2x4s in about a 2x2 foot pallet. I have a square opening for an attic in my apartment. There is no ladder. While there is blown insulation up there, I have formed all sorts of shelving upstairs that is immediately accessible from the entrance. I have been imagining this pulley system making it possible for me to pull hundreds of pounds up. Got these cheap double pulleys for a great deal at Harbor Freight a week or so back. Sawdust everywhere in my apartment. I'm cutting things near the living room door (because there is laminate there), all over the living room, drilling in the attic-spewing tons of wood shavings across a ton of junk already around the desk I usually set my turntables upon.
It is a complete mess. Every room has a tool every square foot and accompanying wood shavings/other junk I don't know what to do with.
The pulley system was almost a complete failure. They kept not aligning right. I moved them around in multiple configurations. I then realized the pulleys have to have larger wheels to be better distribution-wise for weight. I was essentially looping a long rope through a bunch of hooks and trying to engineer something that would go on the Britanica. The platform even had this huge cross stabilizer that went above to dangle the four ropes down (which should have created space but essentially limited the height at around 2 feet for cargo. Big failure.
Yesterday was the first interview of my career. I have been offered a position at a Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance. Said I would travel an hour and a half to New Bern to go to 'interview'. A quick internet search told me they are practically a door-to-door knife selling job.
My alma mater had an opening a professor sent a mass email about.
The job is within a non-business school at the university, I won't say what, working for the dean's office. I would be in charge of handling grants and budgets within about 8 different departments within the school. I had an email saying that I was encouraged to fill out the full application after my professor sent them my resume (as with other students). I was hoping my 3.0 GPA was the cutoff for his recommendation for consideration, as I had never had my resume forwarded before. I made a lot of contact with the office, I would be working closely with the dean of that particular school. Contacted her and thanked her.
Anyway, interviewed yesterday. It would be a job whose base would be around 35K, which is nothing spectacular for accounting- especially considering what they referred to as a hectic, ever-changing, challenging job dealing with a whole lot of people.
They said it would take about two weeks of posting before they would begin interviews per university policy. They started within a week. I was hoping that was because there was a lack of candidates. I really hoped no one else from my class had applied. Well, saw someone leaving in a dress when I showed up. After my interview, which I felt went pretty well (yet overwhelming due to them all being power-women), I saw someone from my class waiting outside. I had talked to her a bit in class through the semesters, yet couldn't remember if she was a quality student or not.
I would be in charge of lots of money. Lots of money. A lot of angry people, students and professors alike, coming to me for grants and all sorts of budgetary stuff. I would even be directing people to around 8 assistants that are now being juggled throughout the departments due to budget cuts. The previous job-holder was one of my interviewers. She seemed like a typical accounting student. Very type-A looking, probably overachiever. She actually had gotten her MSA before starting the job.
I did mention that I had another offer, when the "any questions for us" began. I always forget to ask any serious questions. I asked why they got into that school and when I would find out anything.
They said that HR would ultimately make the decision, though I saw them filling out paperwork with questions. It seemed as though they would write anything good down, yet some of the questions would just be blank. Most of the questions had to deal with stress and prioritisation of people/problems. Deep down, I was imagining myself overwhelmed at that first moment everything hit the fan. I thought, could I handle this really? Am I going to be fired a month after this, if I am even hired? Something tells me I am not going to get the position. I interviewed fairly well, and it was great that I have worked at the telecommunications tech support job. I would describe all the ways I dealt with problems there. Sometimes I would refer to my use of Excel spreadsheets creating number-prioritized lists and master lists. If they could only have seen my apartment 24 hours after that interview, that would let them know how ready I felt for this type of job.
It was my first interview with multiple people. First time I felt like the interview didn't really mean I was closer to the job than anyone else. It is usually a 'seal-the-deal' type of situation. So. I don't know what is going to happen. They said I would hear back probably within a week, since they are motivated to fill the position very soon- urgently almost. Bad part is, I would only hear back if I got the position. Which is awesome to think about the agony next week.
I have applied for about four or five other positions around here and Rocky Mount. I have not followed up on any of these. All of them were initiated digitally. I will say at least now I have about five cover letters for every type of accounting/investment job I have applied for.
I'm scared of this job. Scared to not get it. Scared as to the learning curve. I told them during the interview that I was highly self-motivated and self-learning. At the same time, I told them I like to be taught into broken down steps. Kind of an oxymoron. Told them I used technology like my Livescribe notebooks (that record audio as I write and sync the two digitally to be replayed at any time together). They knew what they were, so I said, "I will take these types of tools into the job in order to get everything down. I'll take them home with me to break things down more. I have no problem taking this outside of my work-life- I don't drink or have any involvement with the "downtown" lifestyle." - people who live here know what that means, because downtown is where all the "Playboy top 10 party schools" or even "Number 1" gets their reputation.
The woodworking is driving me crazy. I finally finished my step-stool and I am not even satisfied since I have started so many other things. I did complete a massive workbench on the back porch (well, sturdy above heavy). It is pretty awesome, yet still need to plane it level a little bit on a few of the boards and also mount a huge vice my mother has from my grandpa's house she salvaged after he passed. I am almost in the midst of refinishing the turntable coffin, and almost done with this stupid fishtank.
I have been getting really agitated with these two 'friends' of mine lately. I have been basically being their psychologist for too long. One of them, a long term friend since childhood, just completely ignores my texts for the most part. He is only interested in talking to me when he is discussing his career plight of having a felony after he almost killed someone in a freak street-fight incident. I send him texts like, "What do you think about the way I put this together (fish-tank)" - simple stuff that is easy to respond to. Never like, "Woe is me, pity me." Just get a text from him several days later that is about 5 messages long reiterating his last whining. I finally said to him, "Any opinions on the texts I have been sending you over the last four days?" He then went in an kind of half-*** attempted to answer one. Then continued on his whining. I didn't reply.We have always had a off-on type of relationship because he just seems to leave the friendship whenever he gets a girlfriend. He ends up putting too much into her, comes to me when it is all over and I console him. I'm sick of this ****. Man. When I type it out, it's like "what the **** man?"....
This other guy is a pitiful ball-less idiot. He looks around a 2. Has slept with I think one girl in his life. Got into this pickup stuff, which I was once not too bad at. I tried to help him out because I saw what a chump he was being most of the time. Now, I just created a narcissistic/ego-meltdown idiot who has no idea that if you can't get a girlfriend or even laid after 3 years of trying this ****- maybe it isn't for you.
He looks for these 10/10 girls and seems to think he is really good looking and that he deservces them. Complete nerd, just looks online at these message boards and obsesses over the labeling things in this pickup lingo. I used to tell him, "hey, you aren't badlooking" just to get his motivation up. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize girls are repulsed by the way he just directly nerds out towards them and makes things awkward or realize that if he was good-looking, he wouldn't get shutdown so immediately.
I left that subculture during this year as I redirected my priorities and thought a lot about life. It was a hole that wasn't being filled substantially enough to make it worth what I was doing.
I told him I was done with it. I was into being a good Christian, I wanted a wife not a one night stand. Still, he tries to drag me into these pathetic situations he takes part in. He calls up crying pretty much about this girl he has crushed on at his work who has teased him about it for about two years while she is married to a guy in another city. So, he says she might be moving on to another job in like six months. You are calling me about this? What the ****? It is like, Dude. I just had a girl I was actually dating who I had very good reasons to like who left forever. It is a month later. I thought about her every day for a very long time till she pretty much ignored me during my surgery and I realized wasn't worth thinking about. Did I whine to you over the phone about it? Let alone for 10 hours in 6 different conversations over the last year?
This guy really got me pissed. Now, he just tries to 'cool-guy' me all the time, like he is improving his self-esteem somehow by downplaying me.
I texted him one day, when my freezer (which is malfunctioning right now) wouldn't make ice. It was the second or third day after my surgery. I could barely move. I was like, "Hey, can you help get me some ice? I really need some for the cryo machine and I can't get up." He texts back immediately, at like 8 p.m. on a Sunday night - "Nope, sorry :(". And that is it. The guy lives 2 miles from me. When he was in the hospital for months with digestive problems, he tells me afterwards. I say, "WHAT? Why didn't you tell me - I could have visited you, I could have brought you stuff!"
And I get "Nope, sorry" No explanation. Nothing. Also, he pretended he couldn't go to my graduation really. When in reality, he just wanted to visit his ex-roomate's ex-gf's one. Like, be real dude- have a pair and just tell me you are going to someone else's, Just the shadiness with this cat is getting to be unreal for such a nerd (who thinks that he is some reformed Don Juan just down on his luck 24/7/365. I ended up going to a gas station, standing in line behind 6 people on cruches with a huge brace on. Just feeling the blood rushing to my limb, as I watched them all stumble around with ******* lottery tickets and other ******** while I patiently waited to ask for two bags of ice. I stood in line for around 20 minutes at least. No one let me in front of them, a bunch as assholes. And of course I chose what I thought would be the less busy gas station. With less people to oogle at me. No. It took me almost an hour to bring ice back into my apartment from a gas station less than half a mile away. What a shithead 'friend'. All of the ******* things I have done for this dude. It is only NOW that I am calling him a nerd and a prick, basically because he is. I have really bit my tongue a lot over the last year or so just to be a good person. Now, I practically have my tongue clamped in a vice. His "happy" moments are through some sort of delusional self-actualization that I can easily see is a mirage- "No dude, regardless of what your friend says, you are not some sort of pick-up guru". Seriously? If I don't answer his texts for a day or two or am brief, he ******* shows up at my doorstep knocking on my door, unannounced and uninvited. Bad part of being lonely sometimes is that I think once I told him "just stop by dude" - said that during a time I was seeing another human being outside of class or the store maybe once every month or two. Funny thing is, it is always on the way to the gym for him (he is quite overweight). He never wants to chill. Just make sure we are 'cool' or complain about not having any luck with this married chick he knows he can never nor will ever have. I hate when people sense they are being ****** and catch it before I can let it fade. Then I feel like the only way to leave the **** is to blow up. I don't want to completely burn bridges anymore though. It is such a weird situation. I already decided the next time he complains about how horrible his life is, I'm just going to tell him- "Well I have problems too, which you rarely hear about- your negativity is really bringing me down." Or my preference - "Dude, I have ***** footed around this too much. Just grow a pair, your not good at pickup, you are not super handsome, you complain all the ******* time about every splinter in your damn life. Why do you expect the world to be given to you on a silver platter? Are you that delusional?"
The other day, I had a surprising (well-not so much now that I am typing all this out) temptation to get high or drink- I can't remember which one.
I said to him, "Hey man, do you want to get together tonight". It was a Saturday night. He said, "No, but how about tomorrow night?"
I wait around till the end of the day- maybe 5ish. Say something about it to him and he goes, "No, I am out of town actually lol". I see on his facebook it looks like he took an impromptu trip to the beach with one of his nerd coworkers. I don't care about that, but ******* say "Sorry I didn't tell you man, I took a trip to the beach because my buddy invited me". Behaving like this is the type of **** that makes me want to slap someone in the face verbally.
It is funny that I allow these two individuals to take up so much of my time. Part of it is that I am afraid of bothering my friends (who are almost exclusively outside of my vicinity) too much. I feel like the mania-times have scarred me. Now I am afraid of smothering friendships.
Found out this guy I know is bipolar. He was always a little sketchy to me. Seemed to be that exact type- just hanging out at peoples' apartments for wayyyyy too long and just chilling. We chilled at the pool and talked bipolar, now suddenly he is all over me like, "lets be best friends" pretty much. Fortunately, this guy drinks so that is an excuse for me right there. I told him i was doing some really detailed work on a fish tank the other day that I would have to redo and really focus on. He was like, "I can come help you dude". He has no car, and no money, and an obvious drinking and drug problem. I lent him 10 dollars in the grocery store I brought him to the other day, after he 'suddenly forget he just paid rent'. He was like, "Oh yeah, my landlord knows I owe them two months rent" later on that day and "I'll call my grandma, she always hooks me up". I think I heard him saying that about a month ago also. Weird thing was, when I lent him the ten he was like, "Don't tell anyone about this. I will pay you back". The next time we chill he is networking with this drug dealer discussing weed prices. I saw he had his pipe out in my apartment and it definitely smelt like 'chillin'. So, I think I'll mention it to the proponent dude I think he clings on the most and see what he says. I don't care if he pays me back really. I just want to know if he is sketchy. When most people really emphasize telling me, "No one understands me", I kind of get this feeling there is more going on than I know. Why would you care if I told anyone if you were just needing me to spot the money for the day, or week , or month even? Did you already borrow money from other people who have cut you off? Damn, that is a great way to make sure I ask someone about you. While I despise gossip, this is more of a, "I don't want you forcing yourself into my life with all of YOUR ******* problems" type of deal. I seem to be attracting psychological and counseling work more than friendships.
I just am letting these thoughts stew.
My bro is getting married on the 4th. He and his soon-to-be wife have a common-law marriage. Huge wedding at our grandparents lakehouse on the 4th of July. Will be HUGE family-wise. Almost entirely my family will makeup the audience. Because I always hate going there due to having sleep issues with being assigned rooms with a sleeping bag or better-yet sleeping by my snoring dad or brother.... I never stay there. Everyone knows it now, especially because I always got chastised for sleeping in the next day or napping. My brother's fiance's family is renting a house, and he told me there were two extra bedrooms and a couch I could sleep on. He said that they kind of reserved a bedroom for me, because he knows how sleep is for me. I really am surprised and touched he thought of me because it in all reality will likely cause me to have a manic episode and ruin everything. I am hearing all these wayyy extended (like 2nd uncle and aunt) type reservations being made. The lake itself has practially nowhere to stay. I hope like 70 percent of these people stay in hotels. I just don't want to get that, "Oh i gotta be a good sport in the family, 'Here, take my room'" type of feelings I always do. I always create huge problems for myself when I do that with sleep. I don't care this time. I am the closest one to my brother in the family probably friendship-wise, I hope so at least. So, I don't want to be irritated during his wedding, driving 100 mph drunk, or not even there. Every 4th of July over the last 4-5 years, with the exception of maybe one, has been a dramatic manic event where this is no plausible way I wasn't arrested. Last year was a blow-out where I drove for 4 hours back around Eastern NC after breaking my key in my lock in Greenville at 4 a.m. Sped up on troopers at 90 mph drunk with beers open, pot in there too. Passed troopers with the thought, "I am speeding so much, even if it were daytime and not the 4th of July - let alone 3 a.m., tonight of all nights, I should be pulled and arrested". So... now that I think about it. It is time to be selfish. It is usually my sister who tries to put some sort guilt trip. She has this nagging way or making me forget her advice is wrong about 99% of the time. I need to just use her for reaffirmations, not ******* advice Her advice ***** **** and ruins ****, truth be told. Not that she is one, but every idiot in the world is related to someone else. Just being a family member doesn't make someone infallible. She is generally a very sweet and loving individual. We just think differently, which needs to remain different at times in order for me to maintain my dignity, sanity (literally), and relationships. She always makes me feel like I am selfish. When it's like, dude, you can give up your be and sleep in a tent in the rain- I can't. My mind doesn't work that way. Sorry bud. I am not you.
Wow, what a short journal event this was. I guess i covered: I am manic and I just had a job interview today. I was hoping to get back to sleep about an hour ago.