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Anger, Hurt and Fear!!

Jun 26, 2014 - 13 comments

These are the emotions I have daily..everyday.

I have missed this place and you ladies so much.  So much going on in my life and it's nothing good (what's new :S).  

On March 3rd Brian hurt his back at work.  He thought it was just a pulled muscle since his job is strenuous and he gets them fairly often so he tried to tough it out, be on light duty at work but the pain never got better.  It was actually getting worse and he had numbness and sharp pains down his leg at times.  Long story short they did and MRI and he had a herniated disc on his L4-5 if I remember right.  This was all workman's comp so he had surgery about a month later and now he's been going to physical therapy.   My mom who has the worst back of anyone I know (she has scoliosis, Degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis) was getting the shots in her back and they wasn't working.  Her Dr. did some kind of surgery where they cleared out a lot of arthritis on his L2-3 and 4.  She's feeling better thank goodness.  She's also in physical therapy.  

It's been so hectic dealing with all of this.  We lost Boogie right after Brian started hurting and that pain hasn't left me yet. I still cry, alone in the shower missing him.  We lost Sadie, our first baby girl to Cushing's Disease about 5 years ago..  She passed at home thankfully and was in no pain.  Boogie was hurting very bad the day I called the vet out to put him to sleep.  I think this decision haunts me to this day.  What if he was just having a bad day and I reacted to fast?   I hate everything about it.   I do know that his pain wasn't something to be taken easily though.  He would be walking, wince and yell out in pain and it'd be so bad he would stumble from it.  I could not let my sweet boy live in that pain another day.  I know in my heart he was getting worse.  The tumor from his Vestibular Disease was causing paralysis on one side of his face so this big ogre dog who LOVED food was now just licking it as he couldn't even hardly bite it.  It still makes me cry just to type it out, to think and talk about it.   How long does it take to get over such a thing?  I don't want over him, I want over the decision I made.   He was sweet and loving, so protective.  He was at my feet 24/7.  He was at my side of the bed at night...I moved and he moved.  I still have this hurt/ache in my heart missing him so much.

The last update I posted on my status was one of my younger cousins was pregnant yet again.  NOW there's another one also so that's 2 YOUNGER cousins in a months time that's announced their 2nd pregnancy.  I'm sick of it.  It pisses me off that they "get pregnant at the same time" on purpose. UGH!!  They are both wonderful mothers.. and I am happy for them, I'd never want anyone to go through infertility but I guess I'm just so angry at the fact.   We haven't been able to get in to the dr.'s yet because of Brian's issues.  It's always something kicking us down.   I feel like there's been a dark cloud over my house for years now and there's a very little part of me (because that's all I have left) who waits and prays for sunshine and better days.  

I thought being away from here for a little bit would help, but it's in my face everywhere I turn.  Everyone gets pregnant but me.   Please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm so happy that my friends from here are able to conceive, I know we've all had a rough and long road... your pregnancies are well deserved..  I just always feel like the last one and now I'm wondering IF I would ever get pregnant to even be considered "the last one".  

Brian has been home since March 19th and I've held all of this in.  I didn't want to bother him with my feelings as he was dealing with his own issues.  We've had to go to B'ham (4 hrs away there and back) so many times I could do it with my eyes closed, because that's where his Dr. is...the Neurosurgeon that did his surgery.  Everything just has me so stressed out.  

Anyways,  Congratulations to you all who have had your beautiful babies and to those that have finally received their BFP.  

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4769306 tn?1568490209
by KeeLolo, Jun 26, 2014
Des, so nice to see that you are online, I've missed you..... As far as your journal I don't know what to say so I will just allowed to vent!!!!! What you are and have gone through is a lot for anyone and I commend you for a job well done. Although who wants to be going through this no body. With that being said just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

In my thoughts and prayers constantly!!!!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 26, 2014
Kee thank you so much and thank you for your notes.  You're so thoughtful to be going through and have gone through so much yourself.   You  are in my thoughts and prayers also.  

4769306 tn?1568490209
by KeeLolo, Jun 26, 2014
You are so, so, very welcome..... And I thank you as well!!!!

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by Shannon79, Jun 26, 2014
Ohhh des what a journey you're having. And not a pleasant one. Most people would find this almost unbearable. So kudos to you for continuing on.

As far as Boogie goes, the hurt may never go away completely. It will get easier, but will never go away fully. I wish you peace and healing.

Sending you prayers

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by heather727, Jun 26, 2014
Oh I've missed seeing you on MH! I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm so sorry to hear that things are hard for you. I can't imagine having to deal with all of that at the same time. Please know that we're here for you. You are an amazing woman and are capable of so much! I have faith in you.

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by Risa615, Jun 26, 2014
Sorry Des, I know it is so hard. You remember how sad I was when we lost our kitty.  He was hard to put her down, but she was in so much pain, and I know it is a tough decision and hard to live with.  My hubby is still upset over the whole thing to this day. Time is all that helps, but you will still miss your Boogie just like we still miss Genia.  

The only thing I can say is, it keep the faith as best as you can. I always said I would try until 45 and then decide what I wanted to do next.  I was 43 when I got prego, and you are still way younger than that.  Your issues are different than mine, but it could still happen for you!! So sorry to hear Brian is in pain. I know that pain too. My hubby has it daily since he had a motorcycle accident before we met and was bed ridden and told he would never walk again.  Not only does he walk, but he hikes and plays with Hunter.  So, I hope Brian gets better quick!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 26, 2014
Thank you ladies so much.  I'm so ready for Brian to get better (completely healed) so we can get him in to see my urologists and see what's going on with his sperm count.  I'm ready to get on with that, see what we need to do and I'm SO ready to be pregnant myself.   Boogie will always be in my heart.. I know he took a piece of me when he left.  In time I'm sure things will get better, just wished I was out of this rut already.  

I really appreciate everyone's support.  It's the only place I have to go to get things off my chest and with people who understand and I'm so thankful.    

1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Jun 26, 2014
I'm so sorry things have been so crappy Des. Doesn't it just seem like the universe is plotting against you sometimes???? When things get really bad like that over here on my end, I burn sage throughout my house to get all the bad juju gone and light a prayer candle and let it burn out on it's own (takes days). I don't know if it really helps but it seems to always make me feel better and like I'm doing SOMETHING to take control.  So sad about Boogie... My heart goes out to you. I think about my little Papi and when his day comes I just don't know what I'll do.
Glad your mom is doing much better now. Praying Brian gets to the point where you can feel comfortable moving forward with ttc stuff. I hope you get a pleasant surprise from the urologist.

Welcome home to MH. I know how you feel with needing breaks and all. I have missed you VERY MUCH.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 26, 2014
Thanks so much Cher.  Things have got to get better sometime or another, right??   I told Brian before he got hurt "well now to the new urologists and we'll go from there.  We even had to have the appointment.  Had to cancel. :(    I know in time all of this will pass but it never fails, every time we seem to be getting somewhere, something knocks us back down.   Thank you about Brian and my mom.   Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well!!  

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by pooket, Jul 04, 2014
I missed seeing you, welcome back! I am so sorry that you are going thru all this, I am keeping you and your family in my prayers, and we are here for you if you ever need to talk. when you put an animal down it will hurt for a long time, but know if he was suffering putting him down was the right decision so he wont suffer anymore. I had a cat and he got bitten (which I know is not the same) and he got bitten by a racoon and putting him down was the worst but knowing that he was not suffering he was in a better place made me a little more at ease.

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Jul 06, 2014
Des... you are always in my thoughts and I wish things were going better for you.  It is funny that I was just about to go on and do a big vent when I saw yours so we were both just so overwhelmed at the same time.  I soooooo believe your time will still come.  So many challenges are thrown at us.  I really think I have to see someone professionally to talk about it because here I am so many years later and I'm still messed up.  I'm not sure if it will help, but always have to keep trying something new, right?  I think the anger and anxiety is probably quite responsible for the fact I can't conceive.  Just what we need is another thing to make us feel guilty, right?  Despite it all I hope you have had some nice time with Brian.  The love you have is so important.  I hope things get better very soon and you get back on the road to making your dreams come true.  You are such a sweet person and you deserve every happiness!

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by mhv, Jul 06, 2014
I know it is so hard Des, my heart aches for you to have a child!  It just isn't fair!!!  You have waited and even patient long enough!  
You have been through so much with brian getting hurt, and the loss of your beloved pets!!!  
I  really hope you and Brian get to the point you can open up to each other and share your pain and frustration of this stupid relentless thing they call infertility.  your path will be so much easier with each other to lean on, and to share your fears and dreams with.  I remember long talks DH and I would have. A lot of tears too ( mostly mine).  And the vow we made together to find our way to have children.
I know he wants this as badly as you, and suffers in silence as you do.  
You have an amazing husband, and I know you are an amazing two need each others strength to pull you through this.  And you will pull through...with your baby(ies) in tow...I have no doubts of that!!!!

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Jul 06, 2014
Ohh Des, I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I'm praying for some sunshine to come your way! :(

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