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DH Lied to me about smoking for 9 months.

Aug 12, 2009 - 4 comments

Last week I saw some cigarette ash in the lawn and asked DH who had been smoking.  He just kind of hung his head, and I knew it was him.  For 2 days he let me think it was a recent relapse but then confessed it had been 9 months!

DH has an "addictive" personality, has a "functional" alcohol problem and has been trying to quit smoking for years.  It is the one thing that has caused problems in our relationship.  He quit for the 3rd time for 1 1/2 years using Chantix, but then apparently relapsed last October without my knowledge.  He had this very strange story that he was "99% sure" I knew, and that we had an "unspoken agreement" that if he did it in private, he would smoke less which was better for all of us.  The truth is, I just totally trusted him and don't watch his every move.  I did ask him once last winter if he was smoking again, not because I suspected but because I wanted to give him an opportunity to talk about it just in case he WAS.  He said "Why would you ask that?"  which I took as a "no" but I was clearly wrong.

Since I found out, he said he planned to quit before baby is born and went out and bought Nicorette.  But then I saw him smoke 2 cigarettes in an hour!  It doesn't seem like he is really trying.  

I am trying to figure out how I feel about it.   I feel deceived, but I know the addicted brain can do strange things.  On one hand, it's just cigarettes, but on another, he keeps setting my expectations and then sneaking off to break them, which is making the "deceived" feeling worse.  And the truth is, with infant care, can there really be "smoke breaks?"  (He never smokes in the house.)  I am also the primary earner in our family.  How do I feel about working this hard 8 months pregnant so he can buy packs of cigarettes?  Sort of angry.  And of course, I really need him to be HEALTHY and care for our son for the next 20 years.

I confronted him about how realistic his stop-smoking plan was.  I feel like an awful nagging wife.  Whenever we talk about it he just gets this hangdog look.  I think he feels both ashamed and sorry for himself.  I don't know what to do.

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1001827 tn?1250083425
by metra35, Aug 12, 2009
dont keep nagging, it makes the craving for ciggs worse,he cant stop 4 u, he has to do it on his own

715930 tn?1338722436
by lmc2132, Aug 12, 2009
Let me clarify: I don't expect him to quit for me. It would be nice if he would quit for his son, and not to lie to me.  But, I guess my expectations are now better managed (now that I know the truth).

139792 tn?1498585650
by Dalubaba, Aug 12, 2009
I am 78. I smoked for 50 years.My wife wanted me to leave smoking. Inspite of my wiliingness, i could not leave smoking.I did stop smoking for 4 times for two monts.
Once your are a smoker, it is too difficult to quit smoking.My wife died in 2004.Real attempts like meditation, yoga,acuressure, acupunture and many techniques were tried. I will always feel guilty that i could not quit smoking when she was alive.
Giving false promises, telling lies,hiding things specially related to smoking are very common with males.I had two objective in my life: one to quit smoking and two to stop taking Alprozolam for sleeping.
I could stop smoking from june 5th 2005.Till date I am a non smoker and I am sure i will never revert to smoking again. Ofcourse  i am still dependent on alprozolam for sleep
I am posting this to give a correct perspective about your problem  in dealing with him in respect of smoking.

715930 tn?1338722436
by lmc2132, Aug 12, 2009
Dalubaba, thank you for the perspective.  It can be hard to understand as a non-smoker.  But I will keep this in mind.

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