Aug 12, 2009
Last week I saw some cigarette ash in the lawn and asked DH who had been smoking. He just kind of hung his head, and I knew it was him. For 2 days he let me think it was a recent relapse but then confessed it had been 9 months!
DH has an "addictive" personality, has a "functional" alcohol problem and has been trying to quit smoking for years. It is the one thing that has caused problems in our relationship. He quit for the 3rd time for 1 1/2 years using Chantix, but then apparently relapsed last October without my knowledge. He had this very strange story that he was "99% sure" I knew, and that we had an "unspoken agreement" that if he did it in private, he would smoke less which was better for all of us. The truth is, I just totally trusted him and don't watch his every move. I did ask him once last winter if he was smoking again, not because I suspected but because I wanted to give him an opportunity to talk about it just in case he WAS. He said "Why would you ask that?" which I took as a "no" but I was clearly wrong.
Since I found out, he said he planned to quit before baby is born and went out and bought Nicorette. But then I saw him smoke 2 cigarettes in an hour! It doesn't seem like he is really trying.
I am trying to figure out how I feel about it. I feel deceived, but I know the addicted brain can do strange things. On one hand, it's just cigarettes, but on another, he keeps setting my expectations and then sneaking off to break them, which is making the "deceived" feeling worse. And the truth is, with infant care, can there really be "smoke breaks?" (He never smokes in the house.) I am also the primary earner in our family. How do I feel about working this hard 8 months pregnant so he can buy packs of cigarettes? Sort of angry. And of course, I really need him to be HEALTHY and care for our son for the next 20 years.
I confronted him about how realistic his stop-smoking plan was. I feel like an awful nagging wife. Whenever we talk about it he just gets this hangdog look. I think he feels both ashamed and sorry for himself. I don't know what to do.