Jul 05, 2014
I don't know what to say really. I got the job I had interviewed for. Been there about a week and a half. Just attended my brother's wedding at my grandparents house. About 50 family members showed up, only a couple couldn't show up from both families. Met a girl, the brides sister, who was going through sobriety too. I heard that the bride wanted to hook us up, and it seems like everyone else thought it was happening too. I just knew she was a month sober, and that's about it. We never really got to talk more than five minutes or so during the two days they were here at the lake. I just wrote a five letter word to describe it, but medhelp covered it (*******) like so. I haven't really talked to someone as similar to myself as she was in a long time. I didn't even think there was romantic potential as much as just someone to confide in. So, I went to their rental house with my brother and the bride last night. Just their family and my brother were staying there. With no ride back (we drove a boat), I slept there. Woke up super early around 6:45. Just wearing my wedding clothes wasn't exactly cutting it. Called my father and he picked me up. Then, I drove to my hotel room in town and got ready for the day. I got back to find out from the bride's other sister that they had left. It felt like something was missing. We were around so many people when we were discussing sobriety and our past with drinking. It's like we never got to make that connection, and that *****. I'm bummed I crashed immediately after. I trace my last 5 days back to Tuesday, where I would say I was hypomanic- making a mess in my apartment by making 50 homemade ginger ales, losing my wallet, forgetting to turn in a check to my work to set up my direct deposit. I was wearing thin, but did not realize it because my mood was so high. So, Tuesday-Friday is the classic four-day period for me to be excited and then crash. They say the higher the high, the lower the low. Couldn't be more true. I was charismatic, social, what I felt was 'myself' last night. I thought it was impossible for things to not fall into place. Today, I wake up from a nap and discover all 40 of my family members hustling and buzzing around the house- happy, talkative. I couldn't feel more opposite from them. I have lost so many things throughout this vacation, including my happiness. Now I lay alone in my hotel room, counting down the minutes until we are charged for an extra half-day. Now I know that I will have to sleep somewhere else tonight, somewhere where I have no escape. I can't stand the thought. I think about all the things I need to 'fix' when I get home- how long it will take, how being depressed makes it so much more difficult. I can't eat. I can't talk. I can't look anyone in the eye right now. I just want to leave. Unfortunately, I feel like it will make a lot of people upset and judge me. My brother and everyone else has flown from hundreds of miles from across the country to be here. On the other hand, I don't have anyone talking to me. I realize the only thing people really started conversations with me about were related to trying my ginger ale. Everyone has a place now but me. The one person I knew also felt like an outsider was the bride's sister. ShI wish everyone knew what it was like- how hard it is to witness other's happiness as it accelerates the destruction of the last glimmer of your own. Happiness is the second thing on my life priorities list. It is difficult to want to flee when I know leaving doesn't make me happy; leaving makes it easier to deal with the depression. I now fear what it will be like going into work on Monday. I wish I could tell them already. I fear so much that they will witness something and label me though. I just had the epitome that I should go around them, and just do my own thing. Nothing I do will make me happier per se. But, I can do things that will please me later- perhaps even summon happiness when I am my better self.
My list of priorities is to try put spiritual health and happiness before all else. When I realize I am depressed, I just imagine the juxtaposition of people telling me "feel better" and imagining the serotonin and other chemicals pumping through my brain like a cross section of a heartbeat through a vein. I imagine trying to explain that chemicals control thoughts, not the other way around. Perhaps there is some influence, but control is what others seem to think I have over my brain. I don't. I have no way to make things better. Things might be less bad in ideal circumstances, but I do not know what those circumstances are other than being alone and avoiding what I percieve as direct judgement. I have been missing my second daily buspar dosage once or twice during this vacation. I have noticed even missing it once can push me through the normal self to depression. I really thought I would find some way to become manic during this vacation. I even had a horrible nightmare the night before it where I verbally attacked my sister in a sinister way that was unforgiving and regretable during the dream. I also used again in it. It is weird that I dream about smoking weed, yet am only tempted to use alcohol when I am awake. I chalk that up to not feeling high for about a year of smoking once my Lamictal dosage finally muted its effects. I wish for the inhibition when I was drinking. I didn't have to steer my mania during conversations at social events for the best outcome. I would just blurt out when I wanted. It would make me get more positive attention and I would feel better about myself. I would feel like I was someone worth being around; I was someone people stared in awe at.
Also, my knee is better but I have almost stopped my exercises entirely. It is still quite weak when I try to do them, yet my progress is way ahead of schedule according to my physical therapist. It is now 2:30 and I have around 15 minutes to enjoy to myself before packing up my car with dirty clothes and various oddities.
The plan for today is to clean out as many of the beer bottles as I can from the recycling trash-can, to locate the $120 I have somewhere in here, to buy contact cement and repair tears in the front two speakers of my car, get my cousin to help figure out why my brake fluid is leaking- and hopefully fix it, work on this Jose Gonzales song I have been trying to learn, and locate some of the many things I have lost over the past few days. Worst thing is, other family members taking things that they think are yours. It's pretty hard to ask 40 people where your brown shirt is. Apparently, I can't keep anything straight right now.
At least I do feel better somewhat. I just decided I will find a capo today to help me with this song. Somehow, I found a place in this rinky-dink town that is beside where my grandparent's lakehouse is. Perhaps I will go on the boat or try to swim. I do have a masseuse cousin who offered to help stretch out my leg. I definitely need that. I'll try to review this entry when I get there so I can keep my head up.
Was at a 2/10, now I am at a 3/10. Went from crying in the car over here, to just teary eyes when I think about how I feel right now. What improvement.