A veil of sadness surrounds me. I feel sadness for dysfunctional parents that will die unhappy. They have so many amazing things in their lives yet they only focus on the negative. They have excellent health for their ages, a beautiful home overlooking the ocean, three caring, attentive daughters and enough money to enjoy their lives. (Heck, my dad is 80 and still able to travel oversees.) Yet they are miserable. They are insecure, petty and dysfunctional. The worst part is that I have followed in their footsteps. Fallen into the family trap of unhappiness.
I get the vibe that Dad feels his life has been a failure. Although he met his financial goals (which was one of the biggest goals of his life), I don’t think it brought him the fulfillment that he had anticipated. In many ways I feel that I can’t move on in my life until I have distanced myself from them. Yet guilt compels me be part of their life even though it is a hindrance to my emotional well-being. I feel obliged to be a dutiful daughter even if it is to my determent. They have such a profound affect on me.
I feel heartbroken. My wish since childhood has been to have a happy, close-knit family. Yet I know this is impossible. I must accept that my parents will die unhappy and that my siblings (including myself) may never fully recover from our childhoods. We will always have to fight depression, anxiety and sadness. This makes my heart ache – a terrible, terrible heartache.