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Addiction to addiction  

Jul 11, 2014 - 0 comments

I'm am an addict to addiction.

I've surrounded myself in this situation, to be around this life, these people, these drugs.

From sun up I am an honourable daughter of an amazing father and mother, a full time college student, and full time working girl. I love my parents and my father is my saviour, my role model and my mom is my best friend. I've been taught to be independent and respectful and for that I am respected, determined, hardworking and I bring my parents pride. That is my ultimate goal in life.

By night time all that is diminished as I am the enabler of an addict. All my money, time and energy is focused on trying to save the life of an addict. I loved him but now can't remember why. I find myself constantly replaying and analyzing our relationship and I can't bring myself to depict if he was sober or high.

I love a double life, and I'm exhausted. I work too hard to be giving my money to drug dealers, I work too long to have nothing to show for it. I love so hard and try to keep him alive ..... But it's killing me. And if my father was to ever find out I'm sure he'd kill him before the drugs would.

I am stuck. I am stranded. I am hanging on by a thread. I'm drowning in an ocean of destruction, addiction, sadness, debt, and hate. Right when I get my strength back and begin to swim ashore I'm dragged out in the middle of nowhere, left to tread water. How long can you tread before you just can't anymore? I hope I'll make it through this to let you know.

I'm addicted to addiction. I want to be enough to save a life. I want to support him and make this better. I'm the only one he has. I could have done more for someone who needed the help. And I don't know what id do if I didn't do everything in my power, test every boundary I have and try to my greatest strength to help him, save him, support him. That's why I don't give up. As toxic as this is, an much as this is killing me, I feel like I'm addicted to addiction. Sick with indulgence, and scared of leaving (withdrawals). This is terrifyingly worth it, if it works.

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