Jul 18, 2014
The workday goes well. Much better than I thought, though I had messed up some things I claimed I knew how to take care off. The intriguing guy who spoke with me yesterday at AA invited me to go to Chocowinity today. I said I would. He called two minutes after five, said he would pick me up at seven. I could already tell he did things by the book. A little intimidating yet reassuring at the same time. It's like being in good hands, but rough hands. We talked on the way out about what got us involved with sobriety, it was around a 20 minute drive. He said that he was looking at me during the meeting yesterday, and could tell when I felt a connection with what a speaker was saying. Might have been pretty obvious because I rock back and forth due the bad back and often go into a head nod when I hear something I like. It was weird that someone could look at me though. Most people in AA just stare off into space it seems. I kind of appreciate that. I was trying as hard as I could to not look anyone in the eye, and not long at that. It was pretty interesting. I didn't really connect too much with him when he said church and AA are kind of like cooking a cake with four different recipes, and that sometimes the best results are from just sticking with AA first and foremost. People in AA say that nothing comes before their sobriety. What about God? I don't feel like I sit in church and say, "Yeah, all i have to do is pray and my alcohol cravings and problems will go away." I already know he isn't taking my bipolar away in the foreseeable future. Speaking of which, the speaker tonight in Chocowinity was a Greenville woman who described her downfall, including "not taking my meds"- usually the greatest indicator of at least depression, probably bipolar. When I was only taking medicine for depression, I would say "I need to take my medicine." When I take 10 pills/vitamins a day, the word medicine becomes plural quite fast. That was reassuring. Anyway, back to the drive.. He made a point that what people going sober have in common is a feeling. We all share that same feeling. It made me feel a lot more connected to other members by the time we got there. Yes, we have had different experiences, different struggles, but the same feeling. Before the meeting, he went inside briefly for coffee. Came out, and handed me a typed piece of laminated paper and said, "I volunteered you," as he held his own. I spoke and for some reason his intro speaking about insecurities made me strangely at peace. I felt God at that moment. After this, we went and had Mexican with four other members. The night ended with him telling me to maybe read a little bit, up until the part of the big book that says "And we were at the third step", to go over the things of my day I might had done wrong or right, determine if they were something I needed to speak about or not. He told me that I could tell him just about anything, because it was likely something he had done before and would tell me if any reconciliation was needed. He told me to try to have some peace and calm for around 10 to 15 minutes in the morning (if my morning wasn't already crazy enough) and to pray at the end and beginning of each day. I dunno, it is intimidating. But as he said about a woman who talks a lot who we ate dinner with, each time we are uncomfortable and try to get outside of that feeling we are bettering ourselves. Sticking around alone is not going to work out forever, and probably isn't going to make me very socially adaptive. This guy is the most extroverted people I've met in my life. I am kind of intimidated, the audi- buying 6 people dinner including desert. He lives the rock and roll lifestyle minus the drinking and drugs. Some of the things he would say, I would think, "Are you really 7 years sober or are you drunk right now just playing some sort of sick game?" Well, I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I have begun to value a regular bedtime, which I am past right now. G'night world.
A lot of this happened (the directions he gave me) because I accepted his offer for him to be my sponsor. He said, "Well go to another meeting tomorrow." Some of this feels unnecessary, but that is what all the speakers say had to happen. You don't understand why at first, because right now it feels great being sober. I know there will be another time in my life where it will be easier to be the 'old' me who had serious abuse problems with drugs and alcohol. I don't believe I have felt suicidal since I stopped drinking. I can't say I can remember. Anway, good night. I'm sure my life is about to get even more hectic. 16 hours a day alone to 2. Wow.