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Accepting Addiction

Aug 25, 2009 - 0 comments

self acceptance

I been an abuser of just about every drug, (except inhalents, PCP, X, and crystal meth) however, opiates have  been my drug of choice for over 30 years.  I am currently on 135 mgs. of methadone, and have been on it for the last 15 years straight.  I got on meth. the first time when I was 22 and stayed on if for about 7-8 years.  I had 3 drug free years in my early thirties.  To achive that sober time, I had to leave my native state (Michigan) go to Hazelden treatment center in Minnesota, stay in treatment for 7 months, then move to a sober house in St. Paul.  I attended AA and NA meetings almost daily, worked at a  company where just about every one else was in recovery, and spent my free time only with other people in the program.

The problem was, I was never comfortable.  For one thing, my depression, anxiety, and  bi-polar problems were never diagnosed in treatment.  As a result, my three years of sobriety were not the happiest years of my life.  Naturally, relapse was bound to happen, and it did, in spades.  Got back on methadone after a long run on heroine (the lesser of two evils, I guess).

The way I feel about opiates, and have always felt, is that the only real problem I have with opiates is getting enough of them.  The reason I'm on methadone and have been for so many years, is because it's the only opiate out there that can be optained legally, plus it's always available.  I've done the whole doctor shopping, pill thing and I hate it.  They never give you enough to last very long.  Heroine is a big drag because of the people you have to deal with, the cost, the legal issues, and the difficulty sometimes in getting it.  I can't stand being dope sick and waiting in a car for hours while the dealer is trying to re-up.  Or worse yet, being broke and having to committ crimes every day for money.

My feeling has always been that if I could just be able to purchase a good opiate medication, (like oxys), legally and over the counter and at a low price, my problems would be solved.  I still feel the same way now.  I wish I lived in the days when a person could walk into a phramacy and purchase a bottle of opium for legally and at a very low price.

I have nothing but contempt for the creeps that felt that the government should be able to restrict the purchase of narcotics, no doubt they did it "for their own good". The truth is, these pinched up, angry, unhappy fools, just couldn't stand the idea of people feeling good from any thing other than prayer.  As soon as another substance was discovered that got people high (like LSD, X, and a even mushrooms!) these "do-gooders" would step right in an make it illegal.  What gives them the right is what I want to know?

Any how, I'm an unrepentant addict.  Many years ago, I decided that opiates make me feel great and cause me no harm.  As I've said, the only problem I've ever had with opiates is the difficulty and exspense of getting them.  I don't run out and harm anyone when I'm high on opiates.  And as far as I can see, no one else does either.  Nor have the opiates caused me any physical problems. Unless you consider withdrawl a problem of opiate addiction, which I do not.  In a perfect world there would be no need to fear withdrawl because there would always be a good supply of drugs available.

All I want is to be left alone, and not have to worry about getting my "fix" every day.  So far, in the US, Methadone is really about the only option I can think of for a person without a lot of money to be able to do a large amount of opiates every day, without legal problems.  And I'm ok with being hopelessly addicted to methadone.  I only wish I could get about twice the amount that I get now.

I mean what's the big problem?  Why do so many people on methadone hate it so much?  Why fight it.  It's helped me big time.  If I had continued to shoot dope for all these years, I'd almost certainly be dead by now.  Or in prison.  Or be HIV positives. Or have giant abcesses that never heal on my legs and arms, or have had to have a leg or arm amputated.  Compared to all that, I think methadone isn't so terrible.  My UA's have been clean for years, so I get weekly take outs.  I hope that some day, we won't have to be chained to the clinics to get our methadone.  But I have no plans at this time to get off methadone.  I've accepted it, and I'm at peace with it

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