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Aug 03, 2014 - 7 comments

My name is Vickie and I have had the most strange last couple of years..I will never forget!! I need to come back and read this many months later.
I know I am not the only one who has since there day one in detox.

The other day we had some Rain & Wind come in and knock a small pine tree down and that just missed our garage..I put a pic in but that one was OK because this happens here and there...BUT last night it came up again and knocked trees down ALL over N Idaho. My Hub took a drive to town so he could pick up a few things and ALL of the town was Dark. Not a Soul around and on his way he had to avoid Branches & Trees that fell all over the road. This was a strange one for sure. ALL the lights for miles north & south and all in town were knocked out until early this AM. Now all I hear is Chain Saws as people are removing Trees from all over.

I had had some Bad moments were I had been yelling at my God. I kept telling him that this has gone to far. I went through a Long & Intense detox and was starting to feel good until I lost my Mom, Dad and my Baby Boy (Dog), plus others as most of you know..This all was right after I had almost a good Year & Half in..OK so I was doing somewhat fine with it all, until out of know where comes these Heart pains which I swore was not the heart. Now my whole life is taken over with what I can & can not do. How I could still have some troubles and have to have the bypass surgery if I am not careful and change many things..Well I had been changing many things already.
I have to go to cardiac rehab so I can build up the heart a bit but not ever over pump it. Most of my Life I did get very UP and always had my heart pumping hard & fast. Shiiiitttt!!! It is really, really hard for me not to do the things I want to do..These are the things that I had to slow down & take in baby steps when I came clean. SO now even some things can not be done in baby steps right now..I am SO SO SO frustrated, BUT SO SO SO Lucky to be alive..I know this..
Well the other day when I was yelling at my God it was becasue I needed my Mom & Dad right now because of this Heart issues. I was and am a bit scared and they where so strong when it came to these things. Now when I am out watering my Veg & Flower gardens, I miss my Boy Whiteface because he would always smell the flowers or the veg when I pointed the new ones out to him. He made me so happy because he was a HAPPY BOY all the time and he was always smiling and being funny. These Emotions come & go..I cry or smile.

I know that there are many out here just like me who went through the detox from he11 and had some bad things happen to them too. I also know there are some who have had surgery or are going to have it right now. I could sit here and name the ones on here that I know who had suffered or are still suffering..I can name the ones that are very Grateful that they are alive today, and they had some bad times trying to cure there disease, other then Addiction. My Heart Goes out to each and every one of you. We know what it feels like to go through all of this after we had a hard time most of our life with drugs and came clean..Sometimes we ask WHY!! My Prays go out to all of you, all of the time as I had gotten to know you and your issues.

SO last night as the trees where bending way down and breaking off I looked up to the sky.....AND....I told GOD I am so so so sorry for loosing that Faith I had at once..I did not mean too but I was upset..THEN all of a sudden it got real quite and the trees stopped blowing way over. The Earth was silent for a moment. OMGosh did I have some goose bumps. Well it did clam down, but there still was some rain and a bit of lighting, but it passed over fast enough.
This was on 8-2-14 and one day I will come back and see how far I had really come..
PS..I did not proof read this so I hope it is understandable..hahahaha

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1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Aug 03, 2014
god bless you, Vickie.  you always bring tears to my eyes.  I love you.  I love you for your faith and for You being who you are.  wuv, Meg-Pie

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Aug 03, 2014

You've gone and made me cry woman!  I have to admit that I, too, awoke this morning cursing the gods for the suffering that I am enduring.  I am in a dark and lonely place ATM and can only seem to focus on what I can't do....And on the things that I NEED to do as I stare out at another perfect August day.  It doesn't seem fair, does it?  But I read this and now I feel like I should really stop the pity party and just accept.  That just for today, this is how things are.  When difficult things happen to us, it is to test us for sure.  But it is also up to us if we make them into gifts that help us grow...Or make them into burdens that darken our spirits.
I'm really working on seeing this as a gift girl- as I am sure you are too.  How does one see this as a gift?  I know that in hindsight I see my illness and drug use and detox and recovery as gifts.  It's just so F-ING hard when you're right in the thick of it, ya know?  Yeah you know.
Anyways lovely.  May you find some blessings today, and some peace within.
Much much love...

6990909 tn?1435275816
by jugglin, Aug 03, 2014
What a beautiful story Vic. I got goosebumps just reading this, I can't even imagine how you must have felt. Wow, indeed. Totally cool. God is always there. Thank you for sharing!

Avatar universal
by msdelight, Aug 03, 2014
Hey Vickie I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You have an amazing spirit. Let it help you heal your body. I wish I could come be with you! For now I love you and pray for healthy healing to surround your beautiful heart.

5575813 tn?1452481085
by Hollus, Aug 03, 2014
It is definitly in the thick of things that we stretch and grow the most and it is nice to know that God is there rooting us on in spite of our flaws. This was really neat Vickie; thank you for sharing your experience!!

Avatar universal
by 10356, Aug 04, 2014
Hello V.
I read this earlier and was going to add my support but I wanted to have time to think about it. These are my thoughts :) If any of the things that have happened had happened too you our I and the others that you wrote about if it had happened while we were using our the Good Spirits forbid while we were at our bottom just climbing out.... Each person we loved that we lost, each one was at a time in our recovery when we could handle it. If the ones you lost were stretched out further would it have prevented you from seeking help for yourself sooner ? our would you have gone late for you were caring for  others.. as for our illness, we have never been at our healthiest to get ill :)) we have reserves to fight with and our Spirits are full.. If our Spirits were depleted we would have a deffest attitude and we would get sicker.. No I believe Your God, My Creator who the others you wrote about, the ones they hold in their center has not deserted us has not even left us alone for one moment but made sure we were prepared in all ways to handle what was coming.. We never walk alone V I take great comfort in that and I'm one of those that is very Grateful to be given time to fight for my life.. You will come thru this healthier happier.. I'm lean and mean I eat no dairy nothing with preservatives only fresh. what a difference.. With this logic, There is a reason then we must get so Healthy, I myself look forward to what it is :)) I'm also Grateful our paths run along eachothers.. with love, lesa

4522800 tn?1470325834
by VICourageous, Aug 04, 2014
Now today is a new day..All of your remarks made my day!!! There is so much that goes around & around in our own head now and then..Yes, we should be very Grateful we are doing all of this Clean & Sober..If not then we would only get sicker or damage more then what has already been. Except the ones who are Really in pain right now..However they are using them for the pain and not to get high..BIG DIFFERENCE!

I turn on the News and just thank my lucky stars that I do have it so much better out here then many.
There are some questions at this point of time that I would like to ask a preacher, but I also get many message when I set and do some kind of meditation alone.

I have a really good friend who just found out he had Cancer..Now that one is hard since I lost most of my Family to this. He wants to handle it all natural and this is OK, But I sure wish he would go to one of those Cancer Centers of America because they do both nutrition and vit/min too..They have many aboard to decide too.

I went berry picking yesterday and that felt good but I had to be real careful on how far I hiked up the mountain and how long I was in the Sun..This is really hard for me, being that I am like a Mt Goat who can go & go higher & higher up. It was a good day with the Hub & Friends. I also walk my back acres and see so much beauty. Tons of wild flowers in all kinds of shapes and colors. There are so many plants back here that we can eat or make teas, that I need a book!!

ANYWAY! Going to cardiac rehab today and I really like that..They make me feel safe on what I can do and what I should not be doing quite yet..I KNOW It will all be OK and I think my GOD with all my SOUL that I have a wonderful, loving, caring and considerate Husband by my side all the time and all the way..It would be a real drag to do this heart thing alone. Also VERY GRATEFUL to have Angels like you who speak to me in my times of trouble mind.

Bless U ALL Forever.
May we all heal fast and live many, many more years clean & sober.

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