Aug 10, 2014
I'm afraid it hasn't been a very good week, medically/emotionally speaking (oh how they are so intricately intertwined!). I feel that this is largely due to my realisation of how much work I need to do to pass NCEA (secondary education certificate here in New Zealand) Level 2, and how difficult, if not impossible, it is going to be to finish it all this year. I very much would like to finish it this year, as I don't want to start next year (my last year of secondary education, if all goes to plan) on the back foot.
And it's been that time of year again -- the time of year where the school gives students less than two weeks to choose their subjects for the following year. So that was stressful. I don't think they realise how hard it is for someone like me, who survives by living completely day-to-day, to make decisions that'll impact not just tomorrow or the next week but essentially the rest of my entire life. It's hugely intimidating, to say the least. I manage to survive by ignoring the very existence of life after today. If I think about the future, everything goes to pits. And I had to think about the future. So everything went to pits.
There have been more contributors to stress levels, but that's the main one, really. It just became too much and that's probably why I fell to pieces. I've had several panic attacks and just generally not really been in a good head space.
But recently I have discovered that I might want to go into elderly care as a career choice. So it's good that that's there as a sort of starting point. I'm still passionate about my film-making and theatre, but career-wise, it's just not very stable or secure at all. I can always do that in my down time.
So that's about where this journal finishes. The first of its kind! I'll try not to drawl on for too long, haha.
PS: I have only very recently (as in, this week) been formally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but have been battling it a long time, perhaps as long as three years. l am still battling ongoing depression and generalised anxiety disorder, both of which have been around for (at the time of this writing) a little more than two and a half years. It hasn't been an easy road by any account, with suicidal issues and eating problems that I'm still facing, and it's a long and difficult road ahead, but I'm hoping that eventually I'll get to where I want to be, Wherever that is.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I know everyone is fighting their own battles and confronting their own demons, and my strength goes out to you in every second of the war. May we all rest easy someday <3