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Can I have a ride?

May 27, 2008 - 0 comments

I have an appointment this week with my psych addictions counselor and she's going to be a bit vexed at my procrastination in going to n/a meetings and finding a sponsor.  I've only been to two meetings in the past three weeks and I'm suppose to make 2 each week.  I'm not looking for excuses but I actually have a valid reason for not being able to go more often.  My drivers license has expired (I don't have my own vehicle anyway), and I can't get it renewed until it has been one year since my last seizure which was Nov. 2007.  The seizures started approx 8 years ago.  Doctors believe they are due to injuries to my neck I incurred years before that gave me this diagnosis of cervical spondylosis.  I can't help think they began as a result of years of opiate abuse.  I completely agree that people who have seizures shouldn't drive if not for their own safety for the safety of others.  Also I have a heavy foot and have in the neighborhood of $800 in speeding tickets that have to be paid before I drive which is a big deal, but can be dealt with or managed.  I hate telling people I can't drive though, because I can just see them mentally checking off all of the reasons why "probably" I don't drive.  "Let's see.....she's a drug addict......I bet she's been to jail...........DUI..............maybe a little possession.........paraphanelia................or maybe she's just fried her brain and forgot how to drive!!!  May sound a bit like paranoia but you know this is how people ASSume.  This is what they want to believe, therefore making it a gospel forgone conclusion.

Okay so I'm getting off track rambling...........The other fly in the ointment is my husband.  He is really a kind-hearted, compassionate, gentle spirit..........and crazy jealous.  Like a teenager (and he is SO not!) he's jealous at the very idea another man looks at me, which I find just hilarious sometimes, but it gets old and oh so annoying fast.  Then he's also jealous of any time not spent with him, or talking to other people, even my kids!  I have to depend on him to take me everywhere I want to go, which I absolutely hate and in a weird way makes me want to choke him.  From the very beginning of my recovery he has been in opposition of me regrouping with the people I went through rehab with, of this forum, and of my going to meetings.  He has been and is now an advocate for my recovery in everyway, but he does not like sharing me.  He will think of a million and one reasons why in this entire city he can't take me to any of the meetings for just one hour.  Either it's on the wrong side of town, or he's too busy, or he says he'll give me an answer later which never comes.  He has already given me little hints as to how hard he will make it for me to get my license back, and he freaks at the thought of someone else giving me lift.  

Here's another thing, because when I go in to my counselor he (my husband) insists on always going in with me if I bring this up to the counselor it just looks like I am making excuses, using him as a target, putting him in the hot seat or trying to start an argument.  Last time I took all the heat for it from her and he just sat there and comfortably watched me in the gallows as I squirmed like a snake on fire.  At this point I doubt seriously she would even believe me if I said "look, this is the real truth as to why I'm not making meetings..........."  I have to plan it two days ahead of time and even that doesn't mean at the last minute he won't back out on me.  This planning thing sucks also because I'm more of a moment to moment person, which is why these meetings are arranged every hour because many of us need to have the access of going in the moment.  

Well driving myself obviously would be ideal.  The ideal is not available right now so I'll just have to go with what I have to work with I guess.  I would have really liked going to one tonight is what brought all of this pissing and moaning about in the first place.  For anyone who reads this, please forgive my if I sound like a big wus.  I'm just throwing a little fit right now, I'll be good to go tomorrow:)      


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