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Work depressing

Sep 23, 2014 - 0 comments

I feel so worn out and apathetic.  I almost cringe every time I think about this meeting that I have on Wednesday.  Fortunately, I am meeting with a former professor who specializes in ethics (bigtime) tomorrow to discuss the poor ethics of my workplace and what it could mean for my career.  It is unfortunate that I am getting paid around twice as much as any other job I've held before.  

I feel a conspiracy coming on, so I have begun to devise a plan to record the majority of conversations that occur around me.  I'm being written up for basically not committing fraud.  I am so unsure how to go about catching up on all the budget work I've never performed before.  I feel as though my supervisor is closing in on me, trying to get me in trouble if things aren't working out.  I am hoping to make a miraculous comeback before they can hit me with anything.

The worst part is not knowing.  I have not relied on praying and my daily meditations to get through things.  It is very surreal to be in another phase of isolation new to my life.  I have a weekly meeting for my sobriety, and that is 99% of my socialization.  Talking to people at work can be fun, but only if I forget to take my mood stabilizer and become high.  This has happened maybe one time a month, so I'm not exactly a social butterfly.  I am unsure about what people think of me in the office.  I have finally shown some resistance to being a 'yes man'.  I  just wish I was trained properly, I never got behind, and nothing unethical was going on.  That, and I wish my office wasn't connected to my boss'.  I think it makes it difficult to have someone listen in on every conversation I have- and then be told trail and error is my best bet.  How does it make me look when I have someone exploding on me when I made a small mistake?  I continue to wonder about what is going on in other's heads because I have come to the conclusion I've lost control of my own.  I am pretty much basing my self-worth on the people who surround me- none.  I view distance and lack of involvement from others as a loss of value, character, and worth of myself.  I have no idea how to go about healing my knee from this ACL surgery- it seems to be going backwards in the healing process.  It pops all the time and I am really struggling during physical therapy.  Stretching it wasn't too hard, but strengthening it is horrible,

The oxymoron is wanting to lay around until I am not lonely and depressed.  It feels like a neverending cycle.  

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