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The feelings that resulted after finding some special messages only a Mother could leave.......

Sep 14, 2009 - 3 comments

         I found the book The Four Agreements and The Penny.You knew I would find these eventually and read the pages you had marked.You had no reason to ever feel guilty for anything you said or did,or allowed Randy to do.I pray that you realized these things were not your fault.Part of our lives Mom,the parts of life we did not want in anyway,much less ask for.I loved you unconditionally.We all make mistakes.I hope you didn't think that you deserved that beast called cancer.You were so spiritual,loving,and thoughtful.We all have are bad sides,were human.As an angel,I know your aware of these things now in heaven,as an angel,the most beautiful & powerful angel ever.I hope your looking over my shoulder reading this right now,in your spiritual form.Your actually happy and free of all these burdens that caused your illness in the first place.I'm sure you were also there as the only descent doctor I've ever seen was telling me what my future,as far as my health would hold for me if I didn't stop doing these things I'm doing to myself.Nobody that wasn't in our family will ever understand why I can't live without you.For without you,I don't even know who I am anymore.I'm so not the same without you in my life.You gave me love,hope,and energy.I'm sorry for always hovering over you.I had to make you as comfortable as I could when you were sick.Forgive me for that.Help me somehow find the will to live again.You prayed for Kobe,and he is a blessing,I know I must live for him,but without you its so damn hard..The heart knows what it wants,my heart longs for the day I'll see you again,and Mom its a powerful thing,this will of mine,as I came from you.Near the end you so didn't give up,you fought so hard,and it was the most difficult thing I ever had to witness,you leaving me all alone in this messed up world.I kept you out of pain,at least I hope I did.Miss you,love you,need you!Your Daughter,always and forever,all my love,Jen

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196469 tn?1365387975
by justscore, Sep 14, 2009

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by plzhlpme1, Oct 06, 2009
i just read your beautiful journal entry and see where we relate...It seems there are so many feelings you have toward your mother that I felt after losing my father. We were very close and i felt i couldnt go on any longer without him, before he passed i had a beautiful little girl and when he died it was right before her 2nd bday he would always tell her she was the apple of his eye and i was his little princess(i was the only girl) after he died i felt she was robbed of knowing who her grandfather(papa she would call him) really was and i was so angry that he left her, and mebut, she was the only one who put smiles on me and my families faces the worst days right after he died when we had to make funeral arrangements and stuff...2 years after he died i had my 2nd little angel and thats what really pushed me to keep 9 years later i have 3 little angels but, am so mad that they never got to meet and see what a wonderful man he was, his pain was to much to live and some days i feel like that to but know i have to press on because my 3 girls need me .You need to be strong for your baby boy he needs you, remind him everyday what a wonderful grandmother she was ( i talk about my dad all the time to them like he is still here) Your mom is a guardian angel looking over him and you she will protect you both, and know she can help youmore from the other side being an angel YOUR angel of protection.   She is looking over you all the time and probably leaving signs all over the place , open your mind and see these signs they will comfort you, now she can be by your side all the time and protect and watch your little angel grow and help him to make the right decisions. My uncle James wrote a book called "healing grief" he gave me this book the day of my dads funeral and it helped so much, try to get it at the library it is called Healing Grief by James VanPraagh(he's my moms brother) he is a great inspirational teacher and healer...this book hel-ed me through many rough days. hope i was a help to you .  please contact me any time.  We have many things in common. prayers and hugs for you.

1  thing i was told after my dad "God doesnt hand you anything you can't handle" Everything hapens for a reason and there are reasons why these things happen to us they are meant to be lessons for us to learn thats why we are here life is a big classroom.    

1064902 tn?1305138606
by jacktar09, Nov 19, 2009
  the beauty of your words may be unknown to many, the streantgh that you have will transend the pain - Your strentgh was given to you by your mother now an Angel, and passed to you every day. God has given you vision of your mom so that your days can be better one day at a time - Enjoy what you remember of the good and as you have (from your journal notes ) don't remember that which was not ment to be remembered. as you noted to me

God Bless - Good thoughts and prayers - Hugs - Paul

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