Jun 01, 2008
morning journal,i have kept a journal since i was 12. things i write i NEVER go back and read. i was a gymnist as well as other sports until i was 16. as i said before i was born to a woman who was clinically insane and a serious drug addict.[something that never changed until she died in 2001] i lived with the abuse that went with that my whole life even into adulthood. all i ever wanted was to make her happy i made sure her tea was ready when she got home from work i made sure the house was spotless i had 2 younger syblings and since i was in grade one and my father left for work often for days at a time i took care of them because even tho mom was physically present she was not!! she was always yelling and when she came home after i [a 7 yr old] had cleaned everything done the tea and made sure that whatever i did she would be ok and love me but every day she came home and absolutly distroyed the house and yelled at us over and over we were all being sent to an orphanage that 'i' had ruined her life. i remember crying all the time and i remember always hoping and praying everyday that god would send mom home in a good happy mood just one day. god never heard me i guess.mom's purse ALWAYS had at least 6 different bottles of pills in them at all times. she remembers nothing of the things that had happened as i found out many many yrs later and as an adult i realized it was the drugs. my father thought of my sister and i as only one thing and that was that we were to be used at his leasure as sex slaves i do not know if what he did to me he did to my sister but i do remember that i wasnt allowed to wear clothes, i was never allowed a door on my bedroom as he said i didnt need privacy. when my mother was passed out in her room he would take me to his room and there he had magazines of women being hung, tied up, beaten and torchered and he would simulate those photos with me. he would hang me on a wall naked and whip me and say things so terrible and other things either i cant repeat or dont want to remember.. he not once had intercourse with me he made me preform oral and he on me i do remember that so i thought this was NOT sexual abuse and that it happened to every little girl to make them a woman which is what he told me. my father was a truck driver so there were sometimes days to weeks when he wasnt around at this time my mother had i thought 'friends' over alot i guess to have a party i dont know i know we had a camper in the back yard and i was made to go and sleep in there and all during the night men would come and go from the camper and i was used and beaten. i can only think that she was high or didnt know what she was doing but to this day i have a feeling she was basically selling me for drugs. many times when she couldnt take life any more she would lock the 3 of us outside in our playhouse for sometimes days at a time. years of this passed and my mother left my father and the horors i lived with only got worse. i would go to school and half the time i would come home and find the house covered in blood. she was always cutting her wrists and trying to kill herself and sometimes there would be blood all over our velvet wall paper and the carpets and the kitchen sink would be full of papertowels full of blood. i would find her in her room passed out and i knew if i didnt clean it before she woke i would be punished as she would say that she only does these things because i made her do it as i ruined her life. i was the first born and i think that she had to marry my father and didnt want to and in there lies the reason she blamed me for her life. i always fought to spend time with my father i thought that maybe one day he would love me and one christmas my mother sent me to see him and his new girlfriend i got very sick and my father just got angry and said i was faking it that i just wanted attention for a week i got sicker and sicker and finally he made me go out to do some xmas shopping i passed out in a crystal shop knocking over a shelf full of things he was furious and took me home his girlfriend said i had to go to the hospital and he said tomorrow and his girlfriend said no now! they took me to the emergencie and i had about an hour left to live i had had a ruptured apendix for over a week and i was being poisioned to death.. the dr. there had to do some tests and one test was that he had to put his finger in my rectum once the dr. had left my father laughed and said that i had to admitt to him that i enjoyed it that i like it he just kept laughing at me and humiliating me about what the dr had done.i ended up in the hospital for over a month trying to learn to use my right side all over again as the poisin had left my right leg paralized or something. i will never forget this as when i went back to school after xmas break i was on the register as being dead. i never did well in school i hated school and i failed at everything and i thought i was just stupid and couldnt learn. i was then kept back from going from grade 7 to grade 8 because i failed grade 7 all the kids in my class went to high school and not me. shortly after that a man broke into our house and raped me over and over while my mother slept he was a heroin addict that needed money i guess to get high and he stole all my moms jewelery then found me and after he was dont with me he left. i got pregnant from that and my mother said i asked for it and i was taken to a foster home ..... i had my baby and i swore that it would be her and i in this world and i would love her and never do to her what my mother had done to me i swore i would never do drugs that i would be there for her always and i did. i took my baby and ran away to vancouver with $16 in my pocket some how i made it and i became a stripper. i never did drugs i never even smoked a cig. i took my daughter to see the world and we spent everyday together just the two of us and to this day i get compliments on what a wonderfull person she is....when i was about 30 i knew my career was coming to an end and i guess i knew it was coming time that my baby girl would be leaving home im not sure as to my mental state then but i ended up meeting the wrong guy at the wrong time and i developed a cocain habit. this was not for me i hated it and not to long after by the time i was 38 i was through treatment and recovery and therapy and i no longer worried about using as i thought it was over. also i shoud mention that during this time i never married i never fell in love and i was always alone its safer to be alone. after i had been clean for a few yrs i met the first man i ever fell in love with and i am with him to this day however he is an exmarine with a ton of issues of his own and sometimes i feel as tho im right back to child hood. pls dont get me wrong he loves me and cares for me and never abuses me he just has an anger problem and i fear this is triggering in me unremembered memories of childhood and i fear this is why my brain is telling me i am in pain. the pain in my leg and spine started a yr ago and this past yr for the first time in my life i was given tylenol 3's now i took the t3's as perscribed but they not once not ever took the pain away. i begged my dr while i was waiting for exrays and blood work and cts and a nurologist to pls make the pain stop he did nothing and refused to up my pain meds to something where i could be pain free. for the last yr it has taken everything i have to wash my hair to cook to clean to have sex to do anything because i am in to much pain to think. as i said in another post i finally last week broke down mentally and called an ambulance to come and get me as i was alone..[another story altogether] i told the dr. everything i never lied and he for the first time in my life gave me 25 percacets i tell you that for the next three days after that i was for the first time pain free i went for a walk i washed my hair i did my laundry and i felt like my old healthy self....now i made an appointment to see my regular dr. to tell him what happened over the weekend and he said to me he got the results back from the ct and there is nothing wrong with me and he was cutting off the pain meds. i feel as tho im in a nightmare. i am in pain constantly and the meds he gave me he said were to be tapered and i would be fine after they were gone. I AM IN PAIN!!!!!!! i have as of today only 2 pills left and on top of the withdrawl im afraid i may have i will not be able to walk as i have been on a cane for months. i do have an appointment tomorrow to see my therapist and i have no idea what will happen now. how can a visit and a chat with a therapist make the pain in my back and leg go away???? i am going to be suffering and hurting and the only thing i have to say is that if i were a dog or a race horse someone would do the humane thing and put me out of my misery! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? i dont want to ever EVER be like my mom and i fear i now am....very sad today and worried sick.