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PLZ READ PEOPLE! URGENT!!

Sep 23, 2009 - 43 comments

Ok so I made a suggestion to MH that we should have an Angel Community and they have accepted! GREAT right? Well actually NO here's my problem I wanted this new community to be like mothers who have given birth to a child and then lost that child, You know as a support for these mothers to vent and have to some1 to talk with when tragedy does just so happen to strike!! And as most of you know me I am only in the TTC wagon FAR from that wagon! So here's my thoughts:

1.Promote a different leader! I am suggesting RDH1981? Rachel I believe? Her story with her Angel Baby Cooper is so touching! She would make a great leader!

Or
2.The community be for ALL Angels that people have lost! Mothers,Fathers,A child,,or just any1 they feel is an Angel!

At any rate I would really REALLY appreciate every1's advice on this matter! If there is to be a new community I want it to be something useful for everyone! And if this is decided to be a Baby Angel community then thats fine too but lets nominate some1 who make the best possible leader!! Thnx Every1!

-Joy

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758877 tn?1382585762
by ladybug82, Sep 23, 2009
RDH1981 would make a great leader.. after all she has opened up to us about her touchign story, THANKS SO MUCH for this JOY this would be a great opport. not only for people who have given birth and lost there babies but with women that haev miscarried and need to vent!!!! thanks again ... bug hugs*:O) erika

362249 tn?1441315018
by gokuangel, Sep 23, 2009
TYVM! I'm trying to look it over and see! It's supposed to be with the new group thing so need more opinions! Should I go and ahead and create the group and let some1 who knows more about Angels babies make that topic and I can make some of the others perhaps? Plz input guys!!

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 23, 2009
OMG! Joy! Are you kidding me! How sweet are you!!! I think this would be a great idea and I would so love to be apart of it!!!! Leader or not this is a site we need!!!

Rachel

127124 tn?1326735435
by have 2 kids, Sep 23, 2009
Rachel would be a great leader for that community!    I haven't personally lost a child but a few stories on here have really touched me and I'm sure these mommies could/would love the support of something like that.  

631676 tn?1333718203
by usuk, Sep 23, 2009
I would say baby angels not all angels. It is so specific. If we separate Fertility/Preg/Miscarriage communities we should do the same with Preg vs. Angels or Miscarriage vs. Angels. And of course Rachel would be perfect if she has the time.

184342 tn?1282588750
by tatorbug40, Sep 23, 2009
RACHEL!  just say yes,  and you'll get a little flower next to your name!  :)  

I think the community would be a great idea!  

290867 tn?1333569278
by Linzola1, Sep 23, 2009
KUDOS Joy!!! Rachael you def should be the leader!!!! I am all and nothing but for this!!!! I havent been through a tradgedy like that but I would love to be part of the forum just to offer my prayers!!! God Bless and you go Joy!

362249 tn?1441315018
by gokuangel, Sep 23, 2009
Ok so we all agree it should be an Angel Baby Community and that Rachel should the leader right? And I do see what every1 is saying I understand so do you guys think that we should have only an Angel Baby Community or should we have 2 and have one for babies and one for just other Angels like family,friends,etc?

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 23, 2009
The loss of a child is so intense. I think this site should just be for Baby Angels. I have had two mc's myself and that pain was nothing compared to loosing Cooper. There is already a grief/loss forum on MH, that does a great job supporting those who have lost family members but it is not specific enough to the needs of a grieving parent of infant or small child.  This is something that I have taken with me from my support group of grieving parents of infants, it is best to find people who are like you. It does not take away the pain but it makes you feel a whole lot less alone.

I am so touched by all of this! Thank you for keeping Cooper in your hearts!

216278 tn?1308861082
by wanting4#1, Sep 23, 2009
I haven't lost a child, but feel that Rachel is right on with her assessment about the need for a specific forum for Baby Angels.  I can't believe that there is anything even remotely similar to losing a child that you have held in your arms (and I've had multiple miscarriages and still think that there's nothing like losing a child that you've held!) and I think that there is a unique perspective for them to be able to share with each other!

Good thinking and star of the day award, gokuangel!! :)

362249 tn?1441315018
by gokuangel, Sep 23, 2009
Thnx Rachel thats what i was trying to look for and find b4 i made such a suggestion to MH! I was looking for a loss or grief forum i just didnt see one! And then i knew there was not one for Angel Babies so i decided to make the suggestion and see what happened! Some1 did mention we had a M/C forum but i know thats not the same as holding a child and then losing them!
I'm glad though every1 thinks the Angel Baby Community will be a great idea!!

Aw thank-you wanting4#1!! *blushes*

419158 tn?1316571604
by blueeyedtabbycat, Sep 23, 2009
I vote Rachel too!! What a great idea Joy! We really need something like that here. I was just thinking about Tricia who just lost baby Ian:( Her and others should have a place they feel the can meet other woman who are going through the same thing. Its gotta be hard to just get on medhelp and visit the usual sites where everyone is anouncing the birth of their babies or milstone they have reached.  Rachel is the perfect choice. You are so inspirational and have touched alot of people here at medhelp.

172826 tn?1423422956
by CYW, Sep 23, 2009
i vote rachel too.. i mean i have met many women who have given birth to angel babies as well as have lost angel babies...its soo unfortunate and i think this would be great for women.. i find infancy death and still births are soo kept hush hush.. i have never gone through it and i cannot possible imagine losing my child ever.. i dont know how those strong mommies do it and i think rachel would be a great team leader as well as a model...i hope this all works out..

210400 tn?1325380570
by amberd5191, Sep 23, 2009
Great idea I hope it happens! I also think Rachel would be a great leader. Good luck!

208686 tn?1293030503
by pcarsey, Sep 23, 2009
O, I definitely vote for Rachel! And I also agree it should be for babies or young children as there is already an "overcoming grief and loss" that would be more so directed at losing adults. And Rachel gets her own pretty flower in remembrance of Angel Baby Cooper! =)

377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Sep 23, 2009
I think an Angel Baby forum is a great idea and would benefit many.  I also would have to agree that Rachel is a fabulous choice in a Community Leader.  She already has and does support so many who have been through what she has.  It is a pretty unselfish act to share with others what was an incredibly painful experience for her in order to help them deal with their own grief. Pretty amazing lady, and a wonderful idea!  

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 23, 2009
I have goose bumps! Thank you all so much!!! I am so ready to get this forum started! It truly warms my heart to see all the Good that Cooper is still doing! He was brought to this world to spread love and joy and he is still doing that from Heaven above!

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Sep 23, 2009
The Ovarian Cancer women already have a remembrance page made up for all the brave warriors who fought the battle against this disease and are now gone from us. I imagine with any of the illnesses - heart, cancer, lupus, etc. - there will be those who have finished their fight.

I agree that an Angel spot for children/babies should be for that alone. If other forums want a remembrance page, they may want to set up their own.

148691 tn?1260194903
by vsentz, Sep 23, 2009
Of course my little sister Rache would be PERRRRFECT for the forum! I can't wait to be a part of it!!!

362249 tn?1441315018
by gokuangel, Sep 24, 2009
TY Every1 for you input! I can't wait to see this new forum up and running! I'm sure its going to be a great success and benefit many people here!!

Avatar universal
by SueGre, Sep 24, 2009
I vote for Rachel!  

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 24, 2009
The forum is up! It is called Baby Angels!!!

Thanks again guys!

Just a few housekeeping items....these are a few things we do not like to hear:

I am sorry for your loss (it sounds like I lost my dog)

God only gives what you can handle

I have not lost a child and I can't imagine how you feel.

Rest In Peace (It is even worse like this RIP)

Wow, this makes me love my child even more now


I could go on forever but these are the ones that hurt the most.  

Thanks again and I really hope this forum brings comfort to many!

419158 tn?1316571604
by blueeyedtabbycat, Sep 24, 2009
Oh Rachel! I am almost positive I have said a few of these to you before! I had no idea! Sorry:( Thanks for the heads up though.

419158 tn?1316571604
by blueeyedtabbycat, Sep 24, 2009
Congrats!!!!!

212720 tn?1304375415
by Quinns momma, Sep 24, 2009
I think I have also said the same things.  Now I feel like I have no idea how to express to some of my friends on here the grief I feel for them.   If I have ever said those things it was certainly not my intention to cause harm.

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 24, 2009
Oh, guys I did not want to make any of you feel bad. I just thought it might help you in deciding what and what not to say. Believe me it is best that you do say something then nothing at all. It is far worse to feel like no one cares.

Ugh, I am really sorry!

694164 tn?1333145988
by freya25, Sep 24, 2009
I think we all say those things cos we are upset for the person n dont know what else to say-we are all guilty of it & its not until we lose someone we realize there is nothing you can say-just being there when they need you is all u can do.

Rachel you get my vote-u deserve everything that has been said about u above ur a little star n  im sure Baby Angel Cooper is super proud of his super cool mama xx

Super Idea Joy :)

730826 tn?1317943334
by Lucey12, Sep 24, 2009
Dont mean to be a bug but how is "I have not lost a child and I can't imagine how you feel." hard to hear. I would think obviously you would rather hear from people going through the same thing, but I dont see how hearing that would make you feel worse. Its better than, "I know how you feel"

The difference I see with this new forum (which is great by the way) and the grieving and loss one, I think is because Loosing a child is so much different than loosing anyone else. Is this just for babies or any mother loosing their child?

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 24, 2009
Lucey-  The reason why the comment "I have not lost a child and I can't imagine how you feel."  is hard to hear because the first thing that person thinks of is "lucky you". I know it sounds wrong and even down right mean, but when you are hurting that bad things like that cut like a dagger. The social worker for the support group (infant loss) my husband and I  attend use to say this all the time and it hurt everytime she said it. I know she was not intending it to be hurtful but for some reason it just is. I hope this makes sense to you. Sorry if you found it offensive. : (

My intentions for this forum is for parents who have infants or toddlers that have gone on to Heaven.  It is a totally different kind of grieving.  

Thank you for expressing your thoughts, it shows you care!

184342 tn?1282588750
by tatorbug40, Sep 25, 2009
Rachel,  just one comment/question-  I have had two miscarriages at 7 weeks and they were difficult, but...I know it is hard to draw a line somewhere-  and while my miscarriages were painful- I have had a friend, who like some on here, lost a child at 20+ week gestation, or even some at birth and their angel never took a breath---  and I could see the difference in the pain she felt compared to my early term loss--  there is a point in a pregnancy when you start to know "this is for real, I am going to be a mommy" and then to have a late term loss I would imagine would be a terrible thing to recover from.....  I was just wondering if the site was intended for these women to share in as well?  I do not think this site should be intended for a person who have miscarriages and trouble getting pregnant- that is what the infertility site is for...  but I was wondering about those who have had unique situations with a late term loss?  

Thank you for your tips on what to and not to say....   it is hard when trying to say something to someone and you don't know what to say-   so those tips were very helpful....  thank you!

730826 tn?1317943334
by Lucey12, Sep 25, 2009
Not offensive at all. I just didnt understand it. I do now. Thank you for explaining it.

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 25, 2009
Thanks Tator! I agree totally that a "late term miscarriage" is very different.  And, yes I think this site would be a great place for them too. It is not the same as having a miscarriage at the start of the first trimester, once you start to feel that little one move you fall so deeply in love and that only magnifies the pain.  The support group that Scott and I attend is for parents who have lost their infants through "late term miscarriage", stillborn, shortly after birth and small toddlers, that is the same direction I would like to see for this site. So if you guys know of anyone who would gain support from this forum please spread the word.  

Glad to know the list help you Tator. That was my intentions, it kind of seems like it backfired and hurt some peoples feelings. I know it is hard to talk to someone in that situation, heck it is hard for me at times. But at least I know what not to say, so that is why I was passing this along.

Have a great day!

480331 tn?1310403529
by PamelaBee, Sep 25, 2009
Rachel has my vote!!!

551604 tn?1333983135
by Jen133, Sep 25, 2009
Oh Rachel you are going to make a great leader and kudos to Joy for coming up with the idea!!!  And thank you for the list of things not to say. I had no idea.  Congratulations Rachel!!!

551604 tn?1333983135
by Jen133, Sep 25, 2009
I can't find it:-(

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 25, 2009
I will send you an invite! If anyone else wants to join send me a sticky note!

148691 tn?1260194903
by vsentz, Sep 25, 2009
Rache, I completely understand where you're coming from. I know it's not the same, but certainly was EXTREMELY painful,... when I just lost my little one (first pregnancy) there's this (very mean) lady that at a party (and she knew what just had happen to me) she told me flat out: 'oh, I just sent my little boy to give your mom a kiss.... poor lady, she doesn't have grandkids yet... I feel bad for her'.

I cannot describe you how I felt. I was hurting. I still feel a lot of resentment towards her.

And speaking of miscarriages. I know it's not the same and I cannot honestly imagine living without my Maddie now.... but I do consider my first little Angel an Angel, even when she left at 3 months gestation. I was really excited to be part of this forum since I don't get to talk about her often, I just can't. I burst into tears every time... and people just don't get it. They think just because it was 'so early' I have to 'get over it'.... and that I never saw her.
Well, there was a heartbeat, and there was a baby there... and yes she was tiny, but she was alive, and I was just as in love with her than the first time I saw Maddie.

I wish I could have the opportunity to talk about Baby Sentz in this forum as well, it would be a great escape for me.



229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 25, 2009
I totally understand what you are saying Vanessa! I would be very angry and upset too.

I fully see where you are coming from about your little one, but there is a forum for miscarriages. I know the pain of a m/c, I had two, but it does not even come close to the pain of loosing a "full-term" baby (24wks/+)  

I am lost on how to put this into words. I hope I have not upset you,V! I know Baby Sentz us in Heaven too!

377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Sep 25, 2009
I understand I think.  Like many I understand the pain of miscarriage and found the m/c forum really helpful (also, my friends at pregnancy 35+, I don't know where I would be without you!).  Even though it was horrible, I can't imagine it compares to losing a full term child.  This pregnancy is the first I have gone past first trimester and if I lost him now I think I might just die.  Seriously.  The feelings I have for him now just can't compare to anything I felt in the first trimester.  I hope this doesn't make me sound cold.  I do think women who have lost full term babies or infants are dealing with a different set of emotions and feelings and it should be kept seperate (and you know how much I love you V).  

Also, Rachel I sort of understand where you are coming from with the things not to say.  My situation can't compare to yours, but I remember some of the "trying to be supportive" things that were said to me and it just felt worse.  I appreciate those tips and will remember them when trying to support someone who has experienced a tradgedy like this.  

I think the reality is that all of our lost babies are angel babies and in Heaven, but I do think that those that lost older babies need a special place to support each other.  It's early here, I hope I am making a bit of sense....

148691 tn?1260194903
by vsentz, Sep 25, 2009
I understand Rache, I completely understand. I really don't know .... well, yes, I think like Amanda, I might as well just die if something ever happened to Maddie. I would have probably killed myself if she was not here with me now after all those beautiful months of pregnancy.

I'm so sorry.

I love you too Adgally! ;)

229760 tn?1291467870
by rdh1981, Sep 25, 2009
Yay! Glad you guys understand!!!! Well said Amanda, thanks for "putting words in my mouth"!!! I was having such a hard time conveying my thoughts and you did it perfectly!!

Amanda and Vanessa believe me I totally  understand the feeling of wanting to die. I was at that breaking point myself, but luckly I had enough good people (you guys included) in my life to help get out of it!!!

I love you guys!!!!

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Sep 26, 2009
Wow I must have said some of those things ...wow in fact I did send one like that to you, I didnt realise it was in the least offensive , we live and learn  

865566 tn?1356700362
by GiGiGiGi, Oct 04, 2009
I'm pretty sure that some of those things have come out of my mouth at one point or another - especially "i'm sorry for your loss".  Because that one is true.  

Could you please share some sayings that gave you comfort and let you know that someone cares deeply about you and what you are going through?

That would really be quite helpful.  I never want to hurt anyone's feelings with well-intentioned comments, especially someone who is going through such incredible pain.

Thanks!

Gigi

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