Oct 28, 2014
Courtney was the only one of Joe's children able to come. Matt, of course, couldn't since he is in prison but I'm really upset about Cameron. He only lives 20 minutes from his sister and he could have driven up with her and the kids but he said "I just think I can't do it". I understand those feelings, I truly do, but I believe he is going to regret it. In the last year he has not written nor called his dad one time. Not once. I know it hurt Joe very badly but I would tell him that Cam has issues (which he does) and he's just like his daddy. Very sensitive and when he feels guilty he runs...he doesn't deal with the issue. Wow, that reminds me of the man I met. It was only until he met me and learned how to live life differently before he confronted his demons and got his life on track. I used to tell him that Cameron will eventually learn how to do that too...perhaps with the help of a good friend or a good woman or just on his own.
In the meantime, it is great to have the kids here...Annie lost her other grandfather just two months ago and she's only 8 years old so this is very, very painful for her. We had a long talk and while I normally wouldn't do this I did it with the permission of Courtney. I explained what Joe had gone through and I explained how easy and pain free his passing was. I explained what was in his future had he not passed. I also explained that this is life...we are given life, we live life and eventually we pass on to something better ( I truly believe that).
I told her that I think that her granddad is now going to be her guardian angel and that he loved her more than anything in the world and that she will always be his "Annie Angel". Long story short, every time Joe was hospitalized I would buy him an angel. Last year it was a gorgeous little girl ceramic angel....as soon as Joe saw it he said "That's my Annie Angel". I gave her the angel along with a gift of a necklace Joe had bought to give her in a couple of years along with a song he had written for her. When I was done she was not crying any more. She smiled the sweetest smile and said thank you, now I know Grandpa is with God and that he isn't in pain anymore and that someday in 50, 60, 70 years that he will be waiting to greet me.
I was so touched by her earnest response. She is such a doll. The kids all understand too that no matter that I am not their biological mother, grandmother, etc that they will always be my family in good times and bad. That I will always be there for them. All in all I think it went very, very good.
I also talked to the in-laws. They don't understand someone wanting to be a hermit but I got them to understand that if I could just have two days to be by myself, to cry all I want, to do nothing but sleep if I want, to just sit around and listen to Joe's music and his singing if I want is what I need. Once I have that bit of time to myself I will be able to pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. I know that is what Joe wanted me to do. I know also that he was very worried about my health so I am going to keep all the appointments (that he set up last Monday!).
I think I'm going to be able to do this and keep my sobriety BUT I'm not going to get cocky about it. If I have to come here every day and post about my day then that is what I will do. If I have to talk to my Pastor on the phone every day then that is what I will do, well, you get the idea. As the adult it is my responsibility to show our little ones that we can grieve and be sad but that our loved ones would want us to live life. That doesn't mean we have to go tap dancing...it just means that we do something every day...just a little more every day...and that it is okay to take a little time every day to do a little bit of grieving.
Everyone is asleep now...I'm very hopeful that I might sleep tonight since the house is not "quiet". I can hear the sounds of others breathing and making little movements...perhaps that's why I haven't slept...because of the dead silence!