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I never knew I could hurt so much in my heart!

Oct 28, 2014 - 3 comments

The kids left this morning....Annie cried, Max begged Courtney to let him stay with me for a few more days but they have school, she has a job...they had to go.  Last Monday when Joe saw our Primary he set up some appointments for me for tests because he was so worried about my diverticulitis.  This was before my long, long low grade fever went away.  I told him it was gone because the infection was finally gone but that the inflammation would take a little longer and then I should be pain free as long as I don't cheat on my diet.

Since I promised him I would do these tests I went.  My Dr. says no way can I work .... he wants me to push very hard for disability...well that could take years if I get a denial but I'm going to try to get hold of the woman who helped Joe....she got him on his disability in 1 month from the day I first spoke to her.  I'm not as much of an emergency but if she could get me on disability in 6 months I could survive.

Anyway, I'm not talking to anyone but apparently I must have looked really sad because people kept asking me if I was okay.  Every time they asked I burst into tears.  Finally Roxanne came and got me and put me in the file room to sit so I could be by myself while I waited on the doc.  Got all that done.  Had the owner of my mechanic shop call me and he made a very generous offer on the two older cars.  Well, we've been loyal customers for years and I knew he would make an offer...but this offer is REALLY generous which I appreciate.  Okay remember small town...basically everyone knows everyone and if they don't know you they know someone who does know you.  I mentioned a few years ago to one guy (owner of a seafood shop) that Joe had bought a gun and that I was really unhappy about it.  I hate guns, I didn't think we needed a gun....it is not like we live in a big city.  Yes, bad things can happen here too BUT I just don't want or need a gun.  He remembered what I said and told a friend of his who owns a jewelry store about the gun and I got another call from a man who carries a permit AND is a member of the police department in some kind of advisory capacity (I would imagine white collar crime....valuing thefts of jewelry from homes, etc something like that).  He ended up making yet another very generous offer.  In this case he offered almost three times the amount Joe paid for it.  The upshot is I can afford to pay my bills for at least two months now.  At least I don't have that fear for the moment and it gives me time to grieve without that worry and it gives me time to deal.

So then all the doctors I saw today talked to me about pulmonary embolus and/or embolism and just trust me on this...none of it makes sense except for one thing....the weakness that he had.  Usually someone who is going to have an embolism/embolus IF they had a CT scan something would show that would give a warning...Hey doc...better check this out too.  In Joe's case all they saw was no sign of cancer, no sign of inflammation, very slight scar tissue...nada.  If it had been caused by his heart he should have had some pain...even if it was just for a few seconds.  I could go on and on and I know that he was a very sick man.  We both knew that we would be lucky if he stayed for another 6 months on up.  We knew something else was going to happen because he had no immune system and his body had already been through hell.  But when our surgeon, according to his assistant, tells me that his mouth literally dropped open and he said "What the hell"?....even he doesn't understand.  So Kimmy told me he's going to research everything so that we can have some definitive answers.  I need that, his mom needs that...hell we all need that.

In the meantime, I still would love to have oblivion but I'm hanging on to my sobriety because I know Joe is watching over me and if I took a pill...hell even if I did something he knows I don't like...smoking pot or drinking for instance, he would not judge, he would not yell at me but he WOULD be extremely worried about me...so no...I'm not going to do anything like that.

The last few days have been a haze....too many people, too much talk, I hate to say this, even too many hugs.  Everyone, even my m-i-l finally seem to understand what kind of person I am....everyone is going to leave me alone for two days....so I can grieve privately....truly guys that is what I need.  I'm a strange woman...in fact, that is what Joe loved the most about me...that I was so different from most women (in his opinion).  I think everyone grieves differently...in my case I need time to myself to think, to cry, to sleep to commune with myself...hell to sit and have a conversation with Joe if I want to.  Once those 2 days are up I will quit being a hermit.  By the ways, being a hermit does not mean I'm not going to see anyone...I will still go to service, I will still meet with my addiction counselor and I will still have my addiction meet with the pastor this week...but that's it for public visitations.  Now I know some of you are going to say "you can't be by yourself"...well yes I can...I deal better with sad, angry, bad things by myself for a little while.  

As you can also see, I'm not blocking myself entirely....I have all of you here that I know will listen to my rants without judgement and I know you are all here to support me if and when I need it.  I also have my mother and my best friend on speed dial and they both are staying home tonight and tomorrow nite just in case I have a bad moment and find that I really, really need to hear a voice.

Sorry about the long entry here...I guess I had a lot to ramble a lot.  I will get through this...I know I will...but I know I will be sad for a long, long time.

Thank you all my dear MH Family....and a special thank you to those of you who don't even know who I am but still wrote to me and were so kind.  Hopefully by the weekend or the beginning of next week I will be to the point where I can answer all the lovely PM's I've gotten.

Love you all very, very much!

PK (or just Krazy Kaye)

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Avatar universal
by 10356, Oct 29, 2014
As my heart fills with pain for your loss at the same time it fills with pride and wonder with how you are coping. Truly, even at your most harrowing of times you show your strengths.. You really are a a Amazing Women.. We do not know each other but I have Great admiration for you.. warmly, lesa

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by clean_in_ks, Oct 29, 2014
I thought of one thing as I read your journal, Kaye.....one of God's names:  Jehovah Jireh (God the Provider)

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by lulu747, Oct 29, 2014
Kaye-

I don't know what to say, because words are inadequate at this time.  I want to comfort you, but I myself know that sometimes, there is no comfort.  I have a very strong visual of you sitting in Joe's favorite chair in his bath robe talking to him.  It makes me smile through my tears.

You are a strong woman.  And though your heart is broken and your mind is weary, you still sound clear.  That lets me know that you are going to be okay.  Yes, it may take some time, and this is not something that you ever get over.  But you will feel joy again.  I have  an enormous amount of respect for you.  I don't know how I would function if I were in your shoes.  Just take it one minute at a time honey.  And do what you have to do.

Can I suggest some grief support on top of this?  Maybe not right away, as I understand the need to hermit....But in the future?  It may provide some comfort to you.

Sending you love and hugs from my heart....
Lu

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