Oct 29, 2014
I know my body is healing but what about my soul? I feel so damn weary even though I've been doing nothing but resting. I have no hunger or thirst for life right now. It's scaring me a bit. My best friend came over the other night and told me she is concerned that I am a little depressed. I shrugged it off but the truth is, I think she is right. Every time I think about going back to work I feel a pit of dread in my stomach. This doesn't make any sense to me because I love my work. It's just that it demands so much of me....And I feel so drained. My well is empty.
I can feel Andrew's frustration and worry. He wants me back. I want me back too. Maybe this is just the post trauma effect. I am only now starting to see how long I was living in hell for. How hard I had to fight to make it through the past 6 months in the pain and suffering while maintaining my life and work.
I am exhausted by the effort. I'm not sure what my next move is. I'm scared that even A is going to tire of this quickly. I know I have to do something to turn this around but I am not sure what. I need to see if I can make an appointment with my counselor. However, my free sessions are up and I am flat broke.
Maybe it's my hormones? My period is late, which is not unusual considering the trauma that I've been through. But the first period after surgery is horrific and I want to get it over with. Then I can start my taper. I mean, I've started to taper but I know that I will have to take meds to make it through that week or so that my period will be. I certainly feel like it's coming. I have this terrible pain in my groin that radiates down my legs. Lower back ache. Stabbing pain in cervix and left ovary. Feeling like I'm going to black out every time I go to the bathroom because the pain is so intense. Plus the fact that my breasts are so swollen and tender I can barely stand fabric touching them. I just want to get this sh*t over with.
Who knows, maybe going back to work will make me feel better. More like me. I have had this head ache for 3 weeks that will not abate. I wake up with it every morning and have had it since surgery. I thought it was after effects of the gas and anaesthetic, but it's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks today. I have been drinking a ton of water and eating properly, most of the time. I don't have much of an appetite. I'm really skinny right now. Less than 100 lbs.
I went in to the studio to pay my sub last night and all my students were so happy to see me. I felt shaky and overwhelmed just being in a room with so many people.
The truth is....I just feel really vulnerable and shaky right now. I feel like if someone looked at me the wrong way I would fall to pieces. I feel like I want to build a wall around me and cocoon inside. I just don't feel ready to face the world yet.
I signed up for this writing course. I haven't taken any time to be a student myself in 3 years. And I have this really great idea for a play that I know I will not write unless I'm in a structured environment with a deadline. It starts next week. I think it will be good for me, but I also fear that I am asking too much of myself on top of going back to work.
I need comfort. I've been pushing everyone away. I miss smiling and laughing. I miss feeling inspired. I miss intimacy with Andrew. He's been so amazing and patient and kind but I can feel that he is weary of this also. Last night he told me he couldn't wait for me to get back to my life, that he was excited for me. And you know how that made me feel? Hurt. And pressured. Why?
I don't get it. I should want to get back to life, shouldn't I? So why does the idea of it fill me with dread? Why do I just want to pull the blankets up over my head and cuddle with my cat all day. A week ago I couldn't wait to get out of this bed and back to my life and today all I want to do is stay in bed indefinitely.
Is this what depression feels like? IDK....I've never really been depressed. Maybe after I left my abusive husband and moved back in with my parents and was on massive amounts of drugs. I was def depressed then.
Maybe it's depression, maybe it's just the stress of all I've been through, or maybe just maybe it's my hormones.
Whatever it is, I hope that it shifts soon. I miss myself.
Thanks for listening to me whoever ends up reading this. I had to get it out. I'd tried writing it in my paper journal but kept gapping out and staring into space.