Lost.

Oct 29, 2014 - 6 comments

I know my body is healing but what about my soul?  I feel so damn weary even though I've been doing nothing but resting.  I have no hunger or thirst for life right now.  It's scaring me a bit.  My best friend came over the other night and told me she is concerned that I am a little depressed.  I shrugged it off but the truth is, I think she is right.  Every time I think about going back to work I feel a pit of dread in my stomach.  This doesn't make any sense to me because I love my work.  It's just that it demands so much of me....And I feel so drained.  My well is empty.

I can feel Andrew's frustration and worry.  He wants me back.  I want me back too.  Maybe this is just the post trauma effect.  I am only now starting to see how long I was living in hell for.  How hard I had to fight to make it through the past 6 months in the pain and suffering while maintaining my life and work.

I am exhausted by the effort.  I'm not sure what my next move is.  I'm scared that even A is going to tire of this quickly.  I know I have to do something to turn this around but I am not sure what.  I need to see if I can make an appointment with my counselor.  However, my free sessions are up and I am flat broke.

Maybe it's my hormones?  My period is late, which is not unusual considering the trauma that I've been through.  But the first period after surgery is horrific and I want to get it over with.  Then I can start my taper.  I mean, I've started to taper but I know that I will have to take meds to make it through that week or so that my period will be.  I certainly feel like it's coming.  I have this terrible pain in my groin that radiates down my legs.  Lower back ache.  Stabbing pain in cervix and left ovary.  Feeling like I'm going to black out every time I go to the bathroom because the pain is so intense.  Plus the fact that my breasts are so swollen and tender I can barely stand fabric touching them.  I just want to get this sh*t over with.

Who knows, maybe going back to work will make me feel better.  More like me.  I have had this head ache for 3 weeks that will not abate.  I wake up with it every morning and have had it since surgery.  I thought it was after effects of the gas and anaesthetic, but it's been 3 weeks.  3 weeks today.  I have been drinking a ton of water and eating properly, most of the time.  I don't have much of an appetite.  I'm really skinny right now.  Less than 100 lbs.

  I went in to the studio to pay my sub last night and all my students were so happy to see me.  I felt shaky and overwhelmed just being in a room with so many people.

The truth is....I just feel really vulnerable and shaky right now.  I feel like if someone looked at me the wrong way I would fall to pieces.  I feel like I want to build a wall around me and cocoon inside.  I just don't feel ready to face the world yet.

I signed up for this writing course.  I haven't taken any time to be a student myself in 3 years.  And I have this really great idea for a play that I know I will not write unless I'm in a structured environment with a deadline.  It starts next week.  I think it will be good for me, but I also fear that I am asking too much of myself on top of going back to work.

I need comfort.  I've been pushing everyone away.  I miss smiling and laughing.  I miss feeling inspired.  I miss intimacy with Andrew.  He's been so amazing and patient and kind but I can feel that he is weary of this also.  Last night he told me he couldn't wait for me to get back to my life, that he was excited for me.  And you know how that made me feel?  Hurt.  And pressured.  Why?

I don't get it.  I should want to get back to life, shouldn't I?  So why does the idea of it fill me with dread?  Why do I just want to pull the blankets up over my head and cuddle with my cat all day.  A week ago I couldn't wait to get out of this bed and back to my life and today all I want to do is stay in bed indefinitely.

Is this what depression feels like?  IDK....I've never really been depressed.  Maybe after I left my abusive husband and moved back in with my parents and was on massive amounts of drugs.  I was def depressed then.

Maybe it's depression, maybe it's just the stress of all I've been through, or maybe just maybe it's my hormones.
Whatever it is, I hope that it shifts soon.  I miss myself.

Thanks for listening to me whoever ends up reading this.  I had to get it out.  I'd tried writing it in my paper journal but kept gapping out and staring into space.

Love
Lu

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I don't know if I have ever felt as drained in body, mind and spirit as you are feeling, but I have felt the exhaustion on a pretty profound level. I tend to take on more than one person shoukd, any obstacle is a final straw on this ole camel. I think your soul needs as much rest as your body has been getting. Your soul has been hyper focused and striving to get to where you are. Maybe a weekend on a beach is in order, vacate and remember why you live your work. Just an idea. Rest your mind girl, surrender to the Tao, count your blessings, and above all else, rest. Your body and souk will find their rhythm again.

Dear Sweet Lu -
What a very sad journal.  What a very sad Lu.  I feel just awful for you and wish I could just give you a hug (albeit, a gentle, kind of half hug, with a light pat or five). I believe that what you are going thru is very normal.  I also have a feeling you have major hormones going on (thus, the tender breasts).
After I had multiple major surgeries years ago, I went through a very similar bout.  Somebody gave me a book regarding post-surgery emotional stress...wish I could remember the name of it.  It was a wonderful tool that helped explain what we go thru after such an ordeal.  A little bit like PTSD. Our heads need a little time to process what just happened, the stress our mental and physical health suffered.
I think if you slowly start moving back into some of your daily routines (if Dr has released you), you will start to feel a bit better...a bit like the old you. It will take a little time, but slowly you will get there.
If there is anything I can do 1/2 a continent away, you just let me know.
I'm glad that you came here to vent...writing it all down is a first step in recognizing al of this.  Just do your best to keep moving a bit.  Put on your fave upbeat music.  Watch funny tv and movies (kind of like detoxing).  Surround yourself with the things you love and make you happy (smells, sights, sounds).  It, YOU, will come back.  Be patient with yourself as you have been on one helI of a ride this past year.
Love and hugs out to you girl!
P.S. I will look for that book and send you the name in case you are interested.:))

Lu ... so let me get this straight its been three weeks since you had major surgery and you are wondering why your feeling this way?

um.

um???

what did the doctor say that the 'normal' recovery period was?  i remember i told you i knew a lady in NA who had similar surgery recently and she was not even CONSIDERING getting off the couch before six weeks.  I mean she did .... but she went to meetings and stuff.  she was recovering from surgery.  recovering     from     surgery

Lu you always take on so much so fast honey.  i know you are anxious to get 'back into life."  I know A. is anxious.  but honey as for us 'addicts' our recovery comes first YOUR physical emotional and mental recovery comes first.  im sorry.  i know A is dear to you and he sounds like a dear and im sure all he meant was good when he said that.  but for you ... please dont put any pressure on yourself in any way, whether its how you interpret what he says or how you put stress on yourself.

mama you have been dealing with severe beyond severe pain for SO LONG and now finally the long overdue surgery.  throughout you have been working and doing things that anyone so encumbered and ill should rightly not have been doing.  you need to give your self, your whole self, a chance to heal.  or you are not going to heal the way you want to babes.

sorry i am not trying to sound harsh.  i KNOW how bad you want to get back into things believe me this is coming from someone who has a tremendous amount of trouble 'slowing down' ahem.  but ... you have to babes.  i really believe that.  this tiem is for you

what does your doctor say?  i am curious.

100 pounds?  WTF?  start eating, woman!  oh you are?  eat more!  you need to be putting on some weight if you want your energy back.

come on, now!

let the healing and nurturing begin!  let's see.  who's always telling me that?

and i do think depresssion is totally normal.  let yourself feel it and try to move on .   you wll feel better soon.  i know it.

i love you very much

meegy

Thanks friends.
I wish I could say the day got better but it didn't.  Two people dropped out of my class because of my absence.  I'm down 2 students and a third of my income.  I had an awful day at work.  The students are so demanding and I...I feel as strong as a leaf blowing in the wind.
This is the only day I teach alone, the rest of the time I have a co-teacher, so I feel relieved that I don't have to do this for another week.
You know Tony, I was just thinking I could use a weekend at the beach more than anything else....But it's not in the cards at the moment.  I do need to do something though because I'm falling apart.

I started to bleed an hour ago, so yes...This is definitely hormonal.  And Gina yes, I want that book.  I do believe this surgery has had a more profound affect on me because I was sober going into it.  I mean yes, I've been taking pain meds...But before my previous surgeries I was on so many opiates I was completely numb inside and out and I barely remember anything about them.  This time I was so present....I keep replaying it over and over again in my mind.  Especially the part where they gassed me.  That was the most profound sense of loss of control I have ever experienced.

And yes Meegy, you are right....I was supposed to convalesce for 6 weeks.  However, if I took 6 weeks off work I would have no work to go back to.  I'm not working full time.  Basically, the only day I work alone is Wednesday.  And it is a long and hard day of teaching 7 hours with no breaks.  It took everything I had today, which admittedly was not much.

My doctor.  My doctor wanted me in bed for two more weeks.  I wish that I could.  I promise the only thing I am getting out of bed for is Wednesday.

I can't eat.  I'm so nauseous.  I always am at this time of month.  The pain makes me nauseous and ties my guts in knots.

I cried a lot today.  I cried in front of my students.  I feel a bit ashamed, but I could not control it.  Oh well, they are adults and they can handle it.

I'm just gonna let it all go for now.  I am counting my blessings...My heating pad, my cat, Andrew, and my bed.
Night night MH.
Love you
xo

dont blame it all on hormones or being a women .i too am crying and depressed after the surgery.i just start crying for no reason .its what happens after you give trust to a surgen .they are trying there best and we have to learn how to deal with whatever happens.mines been 6 weeks i am a lot better but i still hurt from the operation maybe i get better maybe not but i cant let it control everything.i did get off the morphine they gave me and it wasnt much of a withdrawal.which is what i was worried about for months.as for allen there are many ways to make a guy feel like its worth the wait.some romantic music and just a big long hug plan it it will mean a lot to him and maybe to you too.we got threw the surgery that was the hard part.you will get back to yourself.i know it

Thanks Butch. I'm glad to hear that you are healing, and that I am not crazy. That's a good plan. Andrew told me the other night that he doesn't feel like I love him anymore because I am so distant. I explained to him that it is just taking everything I have to survive this misery in my body. I promised to make more of an effort. He is only looking for a little affection. I have been so distant, from everything.
Bless you my friends.
Lu



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