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Walking a tightrope...

Dec 16, 2014 - 25 comments
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So as most of you may know.
I've been having some issues with my other half.
It all started last week when I could tell something was wrong... Silly me, I asked!
He said that he misses his daughter (from a previous relationship who just turned 2 and was here for a week visit the end of Nov).
I understood, and then he adds in about being engaged and trying for another baby and taking over his family farm. Everything kind of all at once, obviously. I understood, told him we'd put the baby on hold, the wedding wasn't in my line of sight even then, and I understood about the farm thing.
Things all weekend were awkward. Very weird for us. We're normally always snuggling, or being cute, etc. And none of that happened this weekend. I assumed because he was still upset.
So yesterday I asked if we were okay. When a couple who usually has to pry the other one off them or they're going to be late for work, don't kiss in the A.M... OR say I love you.... something's up :(
he said he wanted his daughter, and that mine doesn't listen to him. Blah blah blah.
FFWD to 7pm that evening when we finally sit down and talk about everything.
There's no way a judge is going to take custody away from his ex. Although she's a bum, has no job, license, no car, no bills (my DF pays her phone bill....), and lives at home with her parents, in Alberta - where as we live in Ontario. Note: nothing is 'legal' yet. they have a signed piece of paper between them and all that stuff. But not actually ever been to court.
He and I both know that just because WE think she's a bum and KNOW she'd have a much better life here... They're not just going to take away a child after 2 consecutive yrs with the mother...
So what's the only other option he says? is TO GET BACK WITH HER....
I'm sorry.... WHAT?!?!?!
No!!! That's not the only EFFING option!!!
Take her to court live I've said a million times, who cares if she still gets full custody?! We tried! Or, better yet - Say SCREW IT to taking over the farm and we ALL (me, him and Ri) move to Alberta?! Holy crap! There's an idea?!?!?
I have nothing holding me here, Ri can switch schools, and he can find work in a heartbeat, he's a very hard worker.
UNLESS IT'S NOT ONLY ABOUT MADISON... Is my next train of thought...
So we bicker back and forth. And I had asked him if he's thought about getting back together with her. And he shakes his head yes. And I say "AND?!" he goes, 'well, obviously I need to make a decision because if it doesn't work out, I'm probably not going to get you and Riley back'.
I am in utter shock at this moment, but keeping my cool - honestly haven't yelled at all to him. I cried, obviously - but I've kept my composure.
So I say 'Uhm, DUH. you won't "probably lose us forever" you WILL, and the fact that you have to 'make' a decision about this, you're losing us indefinitely as we speak. I'm not a back up plan Corey. me and MY CHILD are not a back up plan so that when you broke up with Amanda and we didn't work out, you could go back to her, or get with me and then split up and 'try' to work things out with her and then what if they don't?? you're going to beg for us back? No, absolutely not'
*que me taking engagement ring off finger*
me: "you can have that back. because I clearly have no say in this matter, it's like you've already made up your mind"
corey: "No, I haven't"
"well you better make one and fast before I do it for you"

End of conversation. I read a book til 10pm, he came to bed - said not a word.
after a little bit I reached out to try to touch his foot with mine, it's kid of our thing.. if our feet touch - we know we're okay.... knowing or not, he pulled his away. my heart broke a little bit more.
Wake up 6:30am... Getting ready, I hear tapping on the wall. We have mice, I am hesitant to believe it's him doing what we normally do. I wake up earlier, he taps on the wall, I come into the bedroom and he's got the covers peeled back for snuggles. I tap back, he taps back.. I finally go in the room.... he's just, laying in bed... heart breaks a bit more by this point.
I'm finally into the anger stage at this point. Kind of stomping around getting Riley's stuff ready and packed.
I see a duffle bag. I grab it. Start taking clothes and he asked me what I was doing, I said 'well, you're obviously not going to make a timely decision so I guess I have to make it for you' hoping he'd pull his head out of his @$$ and be like 'baby stop'... dumb, I know!!

So whatever I leave for work, and texted him like 38973087068974 times. saying about how much I love him and that couples like us don't just drop the amazing thing they have for something the KNOW wont work. blah blah blah.
Then he drops another bomb about him planning to pack his car up - turn his phone off - and go live and work out there and not say a word to anyone. so like, legitimately leaving me and riley here. without a word. but he said he couldn't do that and that he was thinking about it 2 mos ago...

As far as I can see, she has NOTHING to offer him. I take care of him emotionally, physically, I'm not a wretched B*tch like his whole FAMILY says she was, I cook and clean, and have a car, a job, a license, I don't lose my mind when he wants to have friends over or go out like she did..
But she has Madison, and to him, that IS everything...

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I'm sorry. I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear. But now you know where you stand. That's what you needed.

I totally understand the whole daughter thing. His first priority should be his daughter. And I know you understand that. But he really needs to try the custody thing. I don't know if I'd go as far as saying "unfit" per se, but it sounds like she doesn't have much going for her.

You know as well as I do if he goes back to her that it won't last. They broke up for their reasons. Chances are those reasons will reappear.

Good for you for not playing the backup plan. You don't deserve that and shouldn't settle for that.

I know leaving wasn't the option you wanted, but it sounds like what you may have to do. Being alone is better then being in a relationship while getting nothing in return and feeling lonely and unloved.

But if I just leave, he'll go back with her. And you're right - it won't work. They constantly fought, she never DID anything around the house. His whole family said she was a slob, and even Corey said when he went to Alberta to visit her when he picked Madison up, the house was a disgusting mess.
His view on the court thing, is, he doesn't want to spend copious amounts of money, and STILL not have Madison.
But then we TRIED, he won't just TRY. Option #2 - We move closer to there where she's only 2-4hrs away. and can see her EVERY weekend...
I don't want to leave and I'm not going to, because then - she wins. If only for a short time, she wins. Because you're right, they WILL break up again.
I just want to make him see that if we split, he loses me and riley for good, and if it doesn't work out with HER, then he's either stuck in a shi']['']['y relationship again, OR alone.
Where as with Option #2, he has us, and Madison basically whenever he wants! And with not taking over the farm, he'll actually HAVE time off and days off to actually see her and spend time with her.
We ARE the fitter parents for her. But after 2 yrs (although they broke up in Sept 2013 and back together end of Nov 2013 and then again in April 2014 he's seen her quite a bit and has paid child support on time and she even somehow roped him into paying her spousal support for a few months even though they weren't married, engaged etc).
The judge won't take her away unless he/she is deemed 'unfit'. And though she is in our eyes....

His last text was "Jess, can I just work right now. the last thing I want is to make the wrong decision"
so, my hands are tied. how do you sit by and watch the love of your life slip away ? :(

If he has been thinking about her for the past 2 months. I personally think his mind is made up. Like you said you are not a back up plan.

How can you marry someone who is still pining for his ex? I know he said he misses his daughter but you already gave him other options and the only one he could come up with is to get back with the ex? You also said he won't even try for custody. That says a lot honey.

I am sorry that he isn't seeing pass that option but Shannon may be right on this one. You may need to pack up and leave for him to really get a clue. The sad truth is your relationship may not work and he may choose her over you and while that is a pain beyond words you deserve better than someone who considers you second fiddle.

He said he's been thinking about the leaving everything behind and going out there to see Madison more. Not his ex. The only reason she's in this, is because she has her FullTime... :(

I don't like to try and read between the lines but if he didn't think the three of you moving was an option than there is more to this than just his daughter. That is my personal opinion. I don't know you or him personally so this is just an outsider looking in and at just half the story.

I've told him that. I'm not stupid. I see it.
:( that's what hurts, like I get she's the mother of your kid... But not one person told me he was happy with her, ever. And even his mom told me that the only reason they got back together the last time, was because he missed Madison. when they first split and me and him were friends, I had said to him that while his daughter deserves to be happy, so does HE. I wouldn't want my daughter growing up and seeing me and my other half fighting, constantly. breaking up for a few mos, taking the kid 3 provinces away, TWICE in 6 mos.... That's not something to look up to...

I agree with Mrs here, he is obviously not just in this for his daughter. Personally, if anyone did this to me, I'd be done. This is a much bigger issue than his daughter, I hope you will put yourself first and foremost to someone. I completely agree with Shannon, his daughter comes first, so that would mean you all moving there, and he's not considering that. If it wasn't for feelings for his ex, he should say yes immediately to you all moving there and seeing his daughter more often. This sounds to me like he still wants his ex, so he doesn't want to try for a baby, get you pregnant and not be able to leave, then it turns in to missing his daughter. You need to be someone's #1!!! Don't settle for anything but that. If he does decide to stay with you, will you trust him after this? Will it be the same? That's what you need to consider. I'm thinking of you!! :( Let us know how it goes.

I went home at lunch, trying to get Riley's things cleaned and organized to pack. He came in the door. I told him I was only here doing a few odd things, wash clothes, clean up (popped an Ativan) and then left.
I sat in my car and cried. I just want to hug and kiss him :(
He came out to my car and was like 'wtf. why are you acting like this?'
I said 'I'm about to lose you and I have no say, no way to make you change your mind'
he told me to stop acting like this, to have a good afternoon at work, and he'd see me tonight.
I cried and cried in the driveway at home, eventually left for work.
And then he texted me a very angry text (we haven't talked since AM)
"I am done dealing with this ****. you come home in a better mood and me and you have one last talk its about your attitude about Amanda. I don't need you to be her best friend but I have to be in Madison's life more and if I am going to be in it, then you're going to have to be in it with me too, and guess who is on the other side of Madison... Amanda. So give it a rest and lets be a family. btw switched your laundry."

But can I just say something. I don't have "beef" with this girl. I'm numb over her. Forgive me for being a little selfish, but as a human being - am entirely superior to her.
She was posting about me on facebook before I even knew her NAME because she was asking corey's FAMILY who I was, what my history was, if Riley saw her dad, etc.
Screen shotting pictures of my profile, ETC. Like, straight up. Then she blocked me, then 3 days later unblock me, that went on for a month...
I finally had enough of her drama and blocked her indefinitely. And then Corey's SIL came to me telling me she doesn't know where she's getting the information, but she had a screen shot of my profile picture when I had red hair and SENT IT to the SIL.
So EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING TO BE BFF WITH THIS PSYCHO.
We had to pick them up at the airport here in London, because ex gf doesn't have a license or car... So I sat there, said hello. and the 2hr car ride was essentially silent, as was the one returning them to London to catch their flight home.
I'm sorry.... but what am I supposed to do here?
I've bit my tongue. I've played as nicely as I can (which nothing has happened 'psycho wise' on her end since like august)
I don't bring her up, talk **** about her to Corey, etc.
So please, I hope he elaborates on WTF I am supposed to do. If I want to see and spend time with him after a long day of work, and were eating dinner and he's texting her the eeennnttiiiirreeee time..... sorry - I'm gunna say something - which I did. (Sh*t, should we have invited her for dinner?) it was snarky, but funny enough to hint to him, put the #$%#ing phone down!!!
But that's ME. he's dealt with that stuff the entire 8 mos.
I'm hoping he means it when he said give it a rest and lets be a family..

Sounds like he is trying to make this about you now when really he is the one causing the problems. Go home and try one last talk and I hope to God it works out good for you whether it is with him or not. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Every woman deserves a man who loves her unconditionally and puts her before everyone else. I say that because as my mother told me "Your father was here before you and he will be here after you" meaning that we will grow up and move away but my father will be the one there when all the children have grown. She loves him in a way that I didn't understand until I got married and had my first child. My son is sweet and I love him to death but his daddy was here first and will be here after my son is grown and gone. I am not saying that children are not important but they are important in a different way.

that's what he's expressed his fear is.
that he'll be forgotten, which won't happen. they haven't even been gone for 8 months and HE'S driven out there to see her, and then paid to have them fly in the end of November.
I'm curious as to what he wants me to do though :(

One last talk. That's all he gets. Lay everything out. Tell him exactly what you want. If nothing changes, then you have your answer. I know it may not be the answer you want, but ypu'll know where you stand.

At this point the ball is in his court. Your future is in his hands. I hope he makes the right choice and doesn't regret his decision

thank you for all the support ladies.
I don't have many close girlfriends anymore

Gosh!! I am so sorry that you are going through this! It ***** to love someone so much and feel unsure whether they love you back the same way. I don't understand what your fiance? wants to accomplish by behaving the way he is. If he's worried about being forgotten, he should think before he acts. As our MH sisters have already stated, you deserve someone who puts you first not a crazy ex who can't get her sh*t together! I don't understand why he would jeopardize what he has with you and Riley unless he enjoys the fighting and the drama. I hope you two can find some middle ground and work through this. I also hope that you stick to your boundaries; don't be his back up!! I love what Mrs_teddy_bear said too. Your love for your soul mate will be and should be different than the love you feel for your child! Hang in there and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you friend!!

exactly!
well, he said 'lets be a family' :( so that's gotta count for something *sigh.
I'll keep you guys posted.

But his saying "let's be a family" sounds like he wants his ex in the picture too. I understand that she will always be in the picture because she's the mother of his daughter, but to me it sounds like he wants more.

If that's the case, you have to put your foot down. You can't and shouldn't allow that unless you're prepared to let him go

I agree with Shannon. This is not a subject to be hot and cold on. Not only are you in jeopardy of stability, but what if you were pregnant and he got wishy washy, and Riley is also seeing him as a stable part of her life I assume. I definitely think one more talk, but I would hope for a very confident answer, not one because he's just saying what you want to hear. I hope it all works out, either way.

Well, we didn't talk much last night...
I was waiting for him to bring it up.
He stated it's about my attitude and when I asked him through text, he never replied on what he meant.
We went grocery shopping, snuggled on the couch, etc.
*please don't kill me for saying this* but I went through his phone when he was in the shower :(
I mean, it put my mind at ease that he chose me over trying to get back with her for the sake of his daughter. He was saying she needed to tone it down on the messages and just keep them about Madison because he isn't trying to break her (Amanda's) heart but the way she's carrying on it seems inevitable.
In the messages she sent, she was saying that 'you never gave us a chance' and that ' you're not only choosing someone else, but someone else's kid as well'
And corey's replies were 'i'm sorry. but I have 2 girls here that love me, and I know for sure I love one out there, but it's not enough to make it work'
(which made me think it was HER being shady and trying to get him back)
but then HER response was 'I feel so stupid for falling for this sh*t again'
And they haven't talked since...

Me personally, I wouldn't have waited for him to bring it up. This is yours and Riley's future hanging in the balance.

While it may not have been the most appropriate way to find out, you found out what he wants instead of getting all wishy washy with you.

I'm glad you found out one way or the other. Now he just has to step up and act like he wants you

But now it's like, I hate her even more? lol. You know? She knew we were engaged, so what would have happened if I was still pregnant. Would she have cared? Obviously not. She has it out for me because me and Corey were friends and he came to me asking for advice on what to do regarding custody before they split. Because me and my ex met in Alberta and Riley was born there. But I'm from Ontario and moved back here when she was 1.5yrs. And Her and Corey met in Alberta, moved here to Ontario and had Madison here, and now she moved back to where she's from.
Sorry, got off track. I was strictly just friends with him, and only through text. I knew he had a family, and didn't want to come between it. But when a friend comes to me for advice and I give it to them, it's their choice what to do. It was never stated 'ok. ill break up with her and start dating you'. it was 'im not happy with her but I love my daughter, what do I do'. they ended up splitting, and he texted me asking me to come over for dinner. and we've been inseparable ever since. But she thinks we had an 'emotional' relationship - where yeah, I can see how it looks that way. but that's not how it was. I was dating someone at the time me and Corey started hanging out and not ready for a relationship at all. And I fell for him, faster than a bullet and harder than a rock. Not trying to be cocky, but I would assume she's just jealous? And doing whatever it takes (ie pulling at heart strings using Madison to get him back).

Well I doubt very much that you'd be her favourite person. In her eyes, you broke up her family whether that's how it happened or not. She sees it that way.

She could very well be jealous. It sounds to me like a possibility. He has a family with you now. (Not biologically, but it sounds like he's become her father figure). Though she doesn't realize that she'll always be a family with her because she has his biological daughter. But it's not in the way she wants. She's had her chance though, and he's moved on.

I would add to what Shannon said but I think she pretty much covered it. Now it sounds like he is trying to deal with baby momma drama and keep you happy at the same time.

Yeah. He's told her to tone it down and keep the texts just about Madi. She didn't like that too much. But that's the way it should be without getting people's feelings involved you know? He's moved on, she hasn't. She's hurt which is understandable. But you can't be civil with the other person until you're officially 'over' them. I was still in love with my ex before me and Corey started dating. But once I accepted it was over, he'd moved on and it was time for me to do the same, Corey came out of nowhere. She is still holding onto him - I did it with Riley's real dad. And until I finally up and moved away, we still talked and were buddy buddy, and when I finally said NO, this isn't fair to ANY of us to keep going back and forth, and held my ground, THAT'S when he started being irate.
And Corey knows that history, so he's trying to keep HER happy so he can see his kid, where I'M trying to keep my ex happy so that I can keep saving money he gives towards Riley's college/Uni fund. Me and Mike talk maaaaaaaybe once a month. Him and his ex talk daily. like, throughout the day. Unnecessary in my eyes. Madi doesn't talk, like at all. She's 2... Riley was starting to form (half @ss) sentences by then. But his daughter doesn't. So an update on if she used the potty, great. a Skype or phone call once/twice a week, and visit when she can is perfect until she can actually talk and sit still for more than 4 minutes. He thinks he's going to be forgotten if he doesn't contact her at least every few days. Madison isn't who he's texting though - that's my issue. and when she WAS dating a guy a few months ago, we wouldn't hear from here in a week or two. But clearly that ended well. corey even said it himself "I doubt it'll last long after he see's what a slob she is'... like, ??

Well at least you've gotten your answer and figured it out. It is hard trying to balance being nice enough to his ex and still be able to keep up with his daughter. It shows he's a good dad and that's a great thing. I would definitely hope he'd tone it down on texts with her and only keep them about his daughter because anything more is unneccessary and inappropriate. So glad it's worked out though!!

Thanks ladies! Now! let's see if he can actually follow through.
Minimal contact for her will be hard, I'm sure.

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