Jun 09, 2008
Well I am on day 4 and let me say this isnt getting much easier. :(
I am unhappy totally miserable. I WANT TO DIE. I cant find the nerve to take my own life. This is how bad methadone withdrawl is. YOU WANT TO DIE>
I started taking pills (opiates) when I was about 16-17 yrs old. I have to say this I had a horrible horrible childhood. I was abused in everyway that you could dream of by both parents. I have one sister and she NEVER was abused. I was forced to live at home with the abusers till I was almost 22 yrs old because of mental abuse that pretty much left me paralized. I got my first taste of "pain killers" when I was 16 (I believe) and I broke my foot. When I realized that they made me forget where I was and what I was going thru well I believe I was instantly hooked. It was always really easy for me to get pain killers. I (have been told) that I dont look like the drug abusing type. First I had the broken foot and then I proceeded to figure out which illnesses would net me the strongest pills. I started faking migraines. I was given an endless supply for years cause I stayed in bed with a "migraine" for quite awhile. I injured my back (seriously) when I was 28. Needless to say with an injured back and a very wealthy husband I was given the strong stuff. I got adicted to oxys next. Then to morphine. Then I went into a fancy detox which was more like a vacation/spa. I didnt learn **** from that bad experience. I started right up on methadone for the first time about 6 wks out of the hospital. I took it the first time for about 2 months and I realized everyday I went to pick that **** up that I did not belong on it. The people that went to the Methadone "clinic" were nothing like me. I got scared and tapered down really fast and got back on oxys and vics. I stayed in that addiction till I was talked into starting back on methadone by my heroin addict friend. (He was missing limbs from all his shooting up) He would bring me methadone to my house and wed do it and "NOD" off MAN IT FELT SOOOOOOOOO GOOD. I stayed on the methadone and me and my friend decided to go to a methadone clinic to assure our daily supply of drugs. We started at a clinic and I stayed for almost 1 yr befor I realized that I had done it again ...............when you are at the mercy of a methadone clinic you dont know what to expect. THEY MAKE THEIR OWN RULES> If your late too bad you dont get your dose. If its flooded GUESS WHAT you dont get your drug. Well being so dependant on this clinic totally freaked me out. I never got many takes homes cause I really enjoyed playing around with other drugs. So every month at test time Id lose my privlidges I had bulit up. Anyway I got back on other "real" opiates. I even did heroin!!! WITH A NEEDLE!!! I was in the pits of hell for months. My husband left me I lost EVERYTHING> I WAS ALONE> I decided once again to try a methadone clinic because I had moved to a new city and was having huge problems staying high. So I did it again................... I started at a clinic in the town I had moved to. It was a very fancy clinic and I had enough money I never had to experience the collectors. By "collectors" I mean the unfeeling b1tch that took the payment. I was down one week and didnt have my 70 to pay and told the collector Id pay next week and they told me I had to go on the "get off methadone quick program ,cause we want your money or you dont get drugs" I was off for 3 days and my god! I couldnt believe how bad I felt I was planning to kill myself when my ex showed up and took me to another diffrent clinic in town (almost 1 hour away) I started there and stayed for about 6 months. I got so sick of driving there and wasting money. I decided to hach a plan to talk my doctor into prescribing me opiates so I could leave the clinic. I somehow talked a military doc into giving me some pretty potent stuff but still suffered severe withdrawls for a few days. BUT ........................it wasnt so bad I decided to stay away from methadone. The man whom I had married who had given me the military insurance soon left me cause I was always high and drunk and fighting with him. He was so sweet and to this day I miss him terribly. He left me and never looked back. I cant blame him. Anyway I soon found myself back, begging the first clinic that I owed money to to take me back. Well I didnt really have to beg as soon as I pulled out enough money to pay for 3 months up front I was in like flynn. This is the methadone I am wd from right now as we speak. I am sick as anybody could ever imagine and nothing is bringing me any relief.
Heres the detox story......................
I started to really get afraid of what I was doing. I was on drugs since I was a kid and here I was 37, going to a freakin methadone clinic. I had five kids and they have seen horrors that I wouldnt wish any on any adult. I was SICK of being on the run towards methadone. IT WAS CONTROLLING MY LIFE. I decide to ask the clinic to help me lower my dose and help me get off pretty quick. HAHAHAHA right help wasnt in their language I was quickly given over to the "doctor" whom I had meet briefly only once befor. She was mean and rude to me and she told me Id never be able to taper quickly and that maybe I was someone who needed methadone for the rest of my life. I was so distrought at the news Id be going there for ever . I had missed so many inportant things because of the clinic schedual. I had a daughter I had given up for adoption and we found her. She was in the UK. Well I couldnt get permission to travel overseas with methadone and they wouldnt give me more than 4 days to take home anyway. So I didnt get to go meet my daughter. I still havent. I started asking to drop my dose once a week 3 mg. Sometimes the doctor would approve it and sometime she would not. Eventually I got myself down from about 80 to 20. It was not easy but it was nothing compared to what was in store for me soon enough. I eventually decided that just leaving the clinic was my only option. I felt like they were holding me captive. They knew damn good and well I couldnt live without my drugs and they tried everything to keep me on it. One day I just said enough!!! I left for almost 3 days. The first day well it was really nothing I had missed a dose befor even two. By the second day I was getting ill. I was freezing and sweating i had the restless legs like nobodys business. (for those of you whove never experienced the restless legs //imagine feeling like all your muscles are tense and tight and achy and ants are crawling all through your body on the inside. ) nothing can stop the restless legs from methadone. Believe me I tried it all. By the third day I had to go back and get another dose. I took one more dose of the evil drug and decided I was NEVER going back for real this time. I got on this forum and quit. Now I want eveyone (even heroin addicts) to listen and listen good.................to ecperience heaven and hell fighting over your body is an unbearbale experience. The first day is always ok but by the second you want to beg someone to kill you or kill yoursself. I would have done either one on the 2 and 3rd days but I am pretty much gutless in my "old age" (37) When you withdrawl from methadone you have pain in every part of your body and no postion no medication no hot baths no nothing can take it away. I am now on day 4 and I went outside today . I have NO energy and I feel like I am carring lead inside my body. It feels so heavy but laying down isnt an option cause I just become more restless.I already take pills for RLS (requip) but its doesnt help. I have barely slept and I still think if I just died I would be better off. Today is much better than days 2 and 3 but who knows when I will sleep again. I dont know about you but sleep is something I enjoy and that warm sensation of dosing off to sleep is something I miss dearly. I have no friends anymore and I miss my ex. I ran everone off in my life for a freakin drug. I was dating a guy while I was on methadone and he said I seemed as if I had no feelings. WHAT? ME? I am an artist I am loaded with feeling but when u take methadone noone can see your feelings. You seem cold and indifferent. You dont notice it but others do. My kids well they are suffering right with me. I was in bed for 7 days and yelling at everyone for no reason. They watched me run vomiting back and forth to the bathroom. I have probably gone to the bthroom so much I am pretty sure I have lost some weight cause my clothes are too big for me now. My ankles find yourself a real good detox video ( a video of someone going thru the worst of detox) google it. Now imagine thats you but your experience in hell will be 100 times worse off methadone. I cant imagine ever going back to the clinic that gave me the drugs. I want a life. I want to get a boyfriend again. (it has been 2 yrs). I want to play with my daughter. (9yrs old) I want to be able to be here for my older kids when they need me. I want to make art again. I want to be around all the artist in town eating fancy horsdevours (sp?) and sipping fine wine and talking about art and stuff. I miss my friends I feel lonely and insecure. I AM DEPRESSED. I am crying at everything. I watched Sweeney Todd for the 100th time and it made me cry. hahahah This is unbearable.............I can only pray that it will end soon. I am sure what I come out as on the other end of this addiction is bound to be something alot better than what Ive been my whole life. (a self loathing self pittyng person)
PLEASE READ THIS>................IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING GOING ON METHADONE MESSAGE ME FIRST I WILL TELL YOU THAT IT IS NOTHING YOU WANT TO MESS WITH. IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL FOR EVERYONE. I THINK GIVING NEEDLES OUT TO HEROIN ADDICTS IS A BETTER IDEA THAN GIVING THEM METHADONE. THE DETOX OFF THIS IS NO JOKE. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE DETOX THEN YOULL SURVIVE. BUT IF YOU CANT WELL YOU MAY NOT SURVIVE.ITS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING IVE EVER DONE ON MY LIFE. I HAVE HAD 5 KIDS AND WOULD HAVE THEM ALL AT THE SAME TIME AND EXPERIENCE THAT PAIN IN TRADE FOR WHAT I AM GOING THRU WD FROM METHADONE. IT FEELS LIKE THE DEVIL IS RIPPING YOUR INSIDES APART AND THERE IS NO RELIEF FROM THE AGONY AND PAIN THE WD CAUSES. I CANR BE MORE SERIOUS OR PASSIONATE ABOUT ANYTHING AS I AM WITH THIS SUBJECT. DO NOT TAKE METHADONE. DO ANYTHING BESIDES GETTING ON METHADONE ESPECIALLY FOR A PILL ADDICTION. ITS JUST A WAY FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE LEGIT MONEY OFF THE MISERY AND SUFFERING OF OTHERS.