All Journal Entries Journals

My story

Oct 30, 2009 - 18 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

,

Miscarriage

,

pregnant

,

Baby



20th of October 2009

Hello to everybody. I will introduce myself first. My name is Susi and I have decided to write my story here with the hope that it could inspire or help some people the same way some stories I've read here have helped me in my most difficult moments in life.

I've lived in an English speaking country for a few years now but my mother tongue is Spanish so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Also I apologize for the length of the story but I wanted to write down everything that seemed important.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and more than two years ago we started to talk about having children (although I felt ready before that). I don’t know how it happened. When I think about four or five years ago I didn’t feel a need to have children but I always knew that at some stage I wanted to have a family.

We started trying to conceive on March 2008 and to my surprise I became pregnant one month later. We were really happy and I was so free of worry and so sure that everything would be okay. I wasn’t even familiar with the word miscarriage. On the 5th of July we took holidays together and a few hours after landing I started to bleed. I knew in that moment that something was wrong, even though the bleeding was very light and eventually stopped during the night. My boyfriend told me that bleeding during pregnancy is normal sometimes but I had the feeling that in this case it wasn’t. I know that many women know this feeling that I am talking about...it’s just like a 6th sense. The next day we went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound. I was supposed to be 10 or 11 weeks but the baby was 7 and a half weeks and there was no heartbeat. The next day I had a D&C. Being away from my family, and in a foreign country, the experience was really difficult, but everybody, including the doctors and nurses, were really nice to me, like they understood the pain of a miscarriage, even when it is early. That made a difference. One of my concerns was if a miscarriage would happen again. The doctor told me that unfortunately miscarriages are very common but the chances of it happening again were small.

I was told to wait at least three cycles for my body to heal. I didn’t want to wait but my boyfriend thought it was for the best. Anyway we tried after my first period and I became pregnant straight away. I couldn’t believe it. But I didn’t have time to get overexcited. I started to bleed 4 days later. I went to the hospital and they did an ultrasound. The doctor could see a sac but no baby. My period was missing only 5 days. The date was the 30th of October.

At this point I started to panic. One miscarriage was bad but with a second one my fears of having chromosomal problems or another disorder started to rise. Once more I was told to wait so this time we decided to follow the advice. But sometimes things happen in a different way than we plan.

At the beginning of January 2009 I took a pregnancy test and it showed positive. Between the miscarriage and then, I didn’t have a proper period. Many of you know how miscarriages can mess up our bodies. I decided to test because I found one test but I thought it was impossible to be pregnant because we were not trying. Once more the test was positive. I went to the doctor and the ultrasound showed I was 5 weeks. They asked me to come back for another ultrasound a few weeks later. Of course I was happy and scared at the same time. Unfortunately this time wasn’t supposed to happen for me either. I started to bleed a few days before the 8 weeks appointment. The ultrasound showed no growth. I miscarried naturally on the 10th of February.

To add to my pain, one of the girls I work with became pregnant. It was really difficult for me to deal with this. I was happy for her but at the same time, every time she talked about anything to do with her pregnancy I tried to change the subject. I am sure many women understand this. Many times I've thought how many other women who didn't go through this difficult experience are able to enjoy the pregnancy from day 1 and I really envy that. I suppose it’s the same with people who suffer some illness and they don’t understand how the rest of the people don’t appreciate their health. It's human nature.

With three consecutive miscarriages, I asked for an appointment with the recurrent miscarriage clinic. They were really nice in there. I have to say I feel really sorry and frustrated when I read stories in this forum about women that have to suffer not only a huge lost but also the incompetent doctors without a soul that treat miscarriages like a common flu. They ran many tests on my boyfriend and me, and after weeks and weeks of waiting finally we were told that there was nothing wrong with us. I was given baby aspirin to take once daily even when trying to conceive.

I was relieved but also worried. If they didn’t find the problem, how can they find the solution? I was told to wait a few months more and this time we made sure to follow the instructions.

We decided to try again. On the second month I took a test on the day that my period was due and yes, it was positive again. I felt so worried that I don’t remember even feeling happy. I didn’t even tell my boyfriend after another week and three more tests. I should also mention that I didn’t have any strong symptoms. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor two times, and two times I cancelled. I was too scared to have an ultrasound. On the third appointment I finally had my ultrasound. I closed my eyes and waited for the doctor to tell me that she didn’t see anything but … “there is your baby, look how big..” she said. The first thing I asked her was if she could see the heartbeat and she showed me. I started to cry and even now I can feel those emotions as I write this. I went home and I showed the picture to my boyfriend and we cried together. We told only our families and nobody else. I was given progesterone and I was told to keep taking aspirin until the end of the pregnancy.

I had my second appointment 2 weeks later so I was supposed to be 10 weeks.

In that month I worried everyday but I tried to relax. Of course I looked after myself like never before. I wouldn't even carry more than one kilo in one go during that time. (I know it sounds paranoid but I blame myself so many times for what happened… maybe it was the flight, or that I took a pain killer before knowing I was pregnant, maybe I was exercising too much….)

The day of the second scan arrived. My heart was beating so quickly waiting outside the doctor’s room that I thought I would have a heart attack. My boyfriend was there with me this time. When I had my scan and I saw my baby I couldn’t believe it. There he was, so big and looking like a tiny baby. The doctor was very nice. She knew my past and explained to me every part of the baby, she even showed me the flow of the blood. When I left the room I showed the picture to my boyfriend and we started to cry again.

Once more I had a third ultrasound appointment 2 weeks later. Baby was 5 and a half cm and he was moving his tiny arms and legs. I was worried once more. I told the doctor that I didn’t have any belly yet and I didn’t have any symptoms. She told me every pregnancy is different. She told me to enjoy it and that I could tell the news to everybody if I wanted because at this point it was quite safe.

I hadn’t told anybody yet. Everyday I checked to see if my belly had grown and also checked my breasts. I didn’t feel like I had a bump but my trousers were definitely much tighter. For some reason I expected to feel the baby at 14-15 weeks. Sometimes I am positive, sometimes I am more worried.

My next appointment is at the end of October and if everything goes well, we will share the news. I am really looking forward to that day. I will write an update as soon as I know my fate….

I would like to help other people and give you some advice:

-Don't exercise if you have a history of miscarriages. The first time I got pregnant, I was exercising everyday and I even went jogging at the beginning when I didn’t know I was pregnant yet.

-Look after yourself as much as you can. I was taking pain killers for a very big infection in one tooth and I had a very bad flu. This was before knowing I was pregnant as well.

-During this pregnancy, I took baby aspirin everyday and I was on progesterone during the first trimester. Also folic acid and prenatal vitamins.

-No flying or travelling during the first trimester. During my first two pregnancies I travelled by plane.

-My doctor told me to avoid sex during the first trimester if you have a history of miscarriage.

-I also regret that I didn’t wait long enough after my miscarriages before trying again. I think it is important to be as strong physically as possible before you become pregnant again.

*All of the above is based on my personal experience and my beliefs. Always check with your doctor of course.

I would recommend any woman with a history of a few miscarriages to ask your doctor for advice in taking baby aspirin. I have read so many stories, and together with my experience, that I think it's worth it to give it a try. Please, also do not give up. I was so sad sometimes that I didn’t know how I would make it to the next day but I believe that all the fight is worth it. I still don’t feel safe in my pregnancy but we all don’t stop worrying even when the baby is out in this world. Maybe this is a mother’s nature.

Anyway this is my story. I really hope it gives you hope. I would be happy if you want to write your comments or if you want to get in contact with me.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read it. It means a lot to me.

The best of luck to all from my heart.

Susi

UPDATE 30th October 2009

Today it was my 15th week scan. I saw my baby today and he/she has grown so much. Everything looks good so far and this is the only thing I can ask for. Now I have my next scan on the 7th of December. This one will be the most detailed scan of the pregnancy and they may even be able to tell me the gender. But to be honest I really don’t care. I only wish that my baby will be healthy.

Comments
Post a Comment
582963 tn?1483452520
by LIL_LADY24, Nov 13, 2009
Well I can honestly say that I am over here at work trying not to cry..  I can not wait to tell my story....I had one miscarriage when I was 17 and didnt know I had one until I was 19.......I didnt know why I bled the way I did and why I craved washing powder and baking soda...but when I found out that I was indeed preggo at one point I wanted a baby really bad..........I still didnt believe that I was preggo until a prophet spoke to me and mentioned the age I was and that I was indeed preggo with a little girl.......and other things..."everything was true what he said" and he didnt know me at all......So I know how it feels to lose a baby..well from then on I found out that from a man that I was with for over 5yrs cheated on me and I contracted chlamydia...which was in my body for about 3yrs before I went to the dr and didnt know it..but it was eating up my reproductive organs...so last year I had 2 surgeries to remove one fluid filled tube and to remove 2 large fibroids out my uterus....and its been a whole year and my husband and I (recently married) still havent gotten pregnant yet..so I am praying that my other tube that the dr say is "SLIGHTLY OPENED"  will open wide enough for the egg and sperm to meet so I can be blessed with a child.  My husband and I pray constantly for a child.......so I feel your pain ..everytime my period is about to come I get anxious...then when it does come I feel so less of a woman........Its suppose to be a blessing and my job to be able to have children and I pray and sit and wait for the day that I will be able to say " I AM PREGNANT".........so I understand your situation and I pray that you have a full term healthy baby...and thanks so much for sharing this story in the testimony forum!!!!!!

547512 tn?1273245025
by susi1976, Nov 13, 2009
to lil_lady24
Thank you for reading my story. I remember you when I joined medhelp forum. sometimes I check and I am so happy when I see members that they have been trying for so long and now they are expecting their babies. Thats why I have full hope that you will be blessed as well. To be honest the only reason why I posted my story its because at one point we allways think about quitting but if you keep trying it will happen. I am sorry for everything you have been through but once you get pregnant you will be able to put all that behind. keep in touch and lots of baby dust for you.
susi

Avatar universal
by Museum, Nov 17, 2009
I wish you all the best.  I am a therapist who has worked with women who've had several miscarriages and each is a lost child.  Those doctors who teat a miscarriage like the flu have never had one.  Unfortunately, there are many trials we go through without understanding, either from doctors, friends or family, because they've never had our experience.  I became disabled about 3 1/2 years ago and have found this to be true in this arena, as well.  So, don't be hard on yourself.  You've learned many important things and now can pass them on to help other women.  I'm wishing you a healthy full-term baby, in whom you and your partner can delight and find joy as he or she grows.  And yes, as a mother I know it is our nature to worry, but I think women who've had multiple miscarriages worry more and that makes absolute sense.  If at all possible, it is good to keep your stress level low, as well, and allow yourself to hope for the best.  We don't lose what we want because we want it, often why we lose something we love is a mystery.  Many people believe they/we are in control of a lot more than we are.  In fact, we are in control of very little--but we can do our best.  So, do your best with what you've learned--rest, relax and hope for all good things.  My hopes are with you, too.  

Mina

Avatar universal
by SusieQ6, Nov 17, 2009
These are wonderful stories. I am a person who experienced two miscarriges. And therefore I know where you are writing from emotionally. There are alot of good feelings here! Listen to the words of Museum. Worry is natural.But we are all graced with hope and faith. My first miscarrage was after I had a little girl at home. On her second birthday I had a D&C., because I had spotted for months.Spotted and not had any growth of the baby.But I looked at my wonderful child at home and felt I could produce a healthy baby. So we tried again two years later. And I had Jenn.To date myself, after she was born there was a song out by Ed Ames"You are my Miracle" and she was!  Later, like a year later.
Again I had a miscarriage. But these were lessons for me, I felt. Life is precious. No child should ever feel unloved. I learned that kindness must rule in our lives and in the way we react to the people around us. I have never been the same person as I was before I learned these life lessons.We went on to have a son in 1982.My little Miracle is now going to have her own Miracle in 2010. I AM Blessed.I have alway surrounded myself with caring people, positive people, thankful people.That is the best gift you can give yourself. And you deserve it!

Granny Sue

Avatar universal
by mheng48, Nov 17, 2009
to all of you ladies who had experienced those kinds of traumatic pregnancy, i feel happy for all of you that you didn't give up until you've got one angel. that's what we call go's given miracle to every woman. the result of our everlasting love with a man. for this, i congratulate you with my prayers to keep your babies healthy and bouncy.
each passing days is a woman inspiration to see her baby grow inside her body and much more when they comes out in this world. motherhood is the best gift god has given to a woman....
you're are all be a survivor! may god bless you ladies together with your angel's inside your womb.

from mheng48

Avatar universal
by pipina, Nov 17, 2009
Hi Susi,
I am so pleased for you, i dont know why i read your story normally i see these emails and just delete them straight away but this time i thought i would have a read, and it sounds like we were both going through the same thing at the same time. i also found out i was pregnant in march 08 but started bleeding at 12 weeks when i had the scan it stopped growing at 7wks we did the same, left it for 3 periods and tried again, same thing, i started to show slightly at 11 wks but felt the same feeling as the first time so went straight to the hospital and agian the baby stopped growing at 7wks that was in october08, we had several blood tests on me to check if my blood was clotting or infections etc, all came back ok, but we have not tried since because firstly my partner wanted me to give my body a chance to recover and i was made redundant the same week i found out i was pregnant last october and we think that both times like you say i was under alot of stress at work and first time i didnt know i was pregnant and was exercising alot second time stressed with work so we are sort of waiting for the right time although i'm also avoiding it in a way because i'm afraid of going through it again, not just for me but for my partner also, to see me going through it and because he has never had any children, but i have been blessed with a daughter from my 1st marriage who is 14yrs old and i feel bad that i cant give him a baby. we are talking about trying again in january so i will try to think positive and keep relaxed i do feel my life has changed since leaving my last job i now have a maternity shop believe it or not!! so i'm alot more chilled. who know's maybe next time will be the one! reading your story has made me more positive thank you. keep well  Susi and i wish you all the best. xx

Avatar universal
by MB1052, Nov 17, 2009
Hey Susi,
I generally delete these emails too, but tonight I opened it up and found your story. I think its absolutely wonderful that you and your baby have made it this far and I wish you both all the best. I have two beautiful children that I was able to conceive and carry to term with both pregnancies. I did have some bleeding with my first pregnancy and worried constantly that something was going to go wrong at any time. I feel so blessed to have them. My husband and I became pregnant for a third time this past spring and after only a week of knowing I was pregnant I began to bleed. I miscarried the baby in the next few days. I was only around 6 weeks at the time. I was shocked, a miscarriage never even occured to me in that week of knowing. While the experience was so bad and I will never forget the emotions I felt, it has really made me able to empathize with so many women I know who have had miscarriages. I hope you never have to endure another miscarriage! Congratulations and I truly wish you the best.
MB

Avatar universal
by whala, Nov 18, 2009
Dear Susi,

I wish you and your baby all the best. I wish you'll live together until his/her 9 month and you deliver the pretty, lovely sweet angel healthy and you have best best moments together :-) you know by talking with the baby inside, you give him/her peace and he/she will understand what you are saying to him/her. Play music for the child and sing for it also read meaningful poems for the baby. He/she is a human beings and he/she 'll be strong with your energies. Please please please take care of yourself very much. Thank you very much for your advices. I am married but never been pregnant. Though I am very excited to be. But for now I really can't becasue I am in the middle of my studies. So, I wish you all the best and please keep the Journal updated so we can keep continuing knowing your status and the baby and then later please upload his/her photos :-)
Good luck! :-)


Avatar universal
by mpgirl43, Nov 18, 2009
by mpgirl43

Hi ladies! As a woman I really understand your pain. also lost my baby at 7 weeks, ectopic pregnancy! People around me used to tell me not to worry cause it was too small. But honestly speaking, I had connected with my baby even if it was still early. To me it was a loss and can't believe that someone would have the guts to tell me there was no connection as yet. We are ttc again and believe that God will bless us again. Don't give up hope ladies and in due season we will carry to full term and hold our angels!!

Avatar universal
by Nikkycho, Nov 18, 2009
Dear Susi,
Though i've never been pregnant, but i can imagine the pain of miscarriage. Just take heart and have less stress over it. Stay blessed.
Naomi, Cameroon

Avatar universal
by tifah, Nov 18, 2009
dear susi,
i know the pain because i had a still birth at 34wks its so painful especially coz we were pregnant the same time with two of my friends i see their children and the pain come back all over again.am still waiting for my blood tests result to try again.it gives me hope and i pray for you.may GOD BE WITH YOU



547512 tn?1273245025
by susi1976, Nov 18, 2009
to all the ladies that comment my story
Thank you for all your wishes and advices. I will be following your journey and I pray for a healthy baby for all of you as well. I am nearly in tears right now because I am very sensitive about this subject and I know how many woman are going through this pain. We just have to be strong enough and be positive and it will happen. My best wishes for all
susi

Avatar universal
by dnaye44, Nov 18, 2009
Susi, my heart, love, and prayers go out to you. So happy to hear you are this far along and I hope to read updates about your baby. I have suffered 9 miscarriages now and pray that one day I will be able to make it full term. I know the anger, frustration, desperation, confusion, heartache, depression, and jealous that goes along with these painful experiences. I felt so alone and although my heart hurts for these women, their stories are appreciated and the communication, input, advice and encouraging words help me everyday! Thank you for yours. Take care! You are in my prayers....

Avatar universal
by Dia16, Nov 19, 2009
hai Susi,

Though i havent experienced miscarriage... i had delayed pregnancy after one year of married life...i used to struggle alot to becum pregnant....later i read many indian books about Yogas and Pranayam......i had Naturopathy treatment also. and had cute kid which is 4years by now...

I strongly believe in Breathing technique pranayam which really helped me in having healthy baby.....

And my kind advice to u , is to be happy always and do not bring back negative thoughts and feelings in present , coz it effects childs growth...

Dont look at horror,violence movies or scenes...keep watching and hearing humorous things, enjoy nature...Then,You will be the luckiest to have a nice kid.All the best

with love
Dia





Avatar universal
by cuteova, Nov 19, 2009
Hi Susi,

I'm happy to hear you are this far along. I wish you the best of luck. I understand your feelings even I just miscarried one time. Now, I got my baby. She is almost 5 months but she gets reflux. She eats just a little a day. I feel so horrible, you know. I cry almost everyday because I can not see my baby eat less and less. Her doctors can do nothing. So, everything is still ahead. I just wish you have a healthy baby.

Best wishes,

Angela

Avatar universal
by patttycakes1957, Nov 21, 2009
Hello Suzi,
I want to first congratulate you and your mate on the bundle of joy that you will soon be holding in your arms!  I understand your fear.  My prayer for you is to not just have a healthy baby, but I pray that you can get to the point where you can enjoy the experience rather than letting fear take that experience away from you.  

I too know the pain of losing a child.  Even in a case as mine which I will describe, I think we want these little bundles so badly that we look at everything we did and find some way to blame ourselves.  In my case, I thought; here it is the 4th of July and I was 8 and 1/2 months pregnant, what was I even doing driving?  I think that it is natural although I now find it to play little role in most of our losses.  

I had been married for about a year and a half, we had already started our family.  I said my daily prayers and included a healthy baby in those prayers.  I was however as happy as a new mother to be could be.   The thought of something happening was on a back burner somewhere, something I gave thought to when it came to the things that I did so that I would have the best chances of delivering a healthy baby!  

I was big, eight and a half months big!  My thoughts by then had progressed and I was more concerned on how my labor would go.  

It was the 4th of July 1976, my husband at the time was in the Navy and on that particular day he had to stay on the ship, he could not come home.  On days like those, I would usually go and see him on the ship.  I did not think that day would be any different from any other when I left my home to go and visit with him on the ship.  

I took a shower and left!  I did not make it more than a few miles down the road when I was hit head on by what turned out to be a drunk lady.

The impact was so great, we were going opposite directions, each at 55 miles per hour.  This lady all of a sudden without any warning, she never even hit her brakes.  She jumped over a small concrete medium and hit me head on before I could even give a thought to the severity of what was about to happen.  

My son was torn away from my umbillical cord and sufficated before anything could be done to save him.  They call it a complete abrupution of the placenta, she almost took my life as well.  I say She, because if this lady had never gotten behind the wheel that day, my son would be 33 years old and alive today.  Besides taking our baby from us that evening, she broke my jaw and fractured everything in my face.  She broke my legs in multiple places and I almost died from internal injuries and hemoraging.  It took a long time before I could talk about what happened without my body shaking all over.          

I can not think of anything more painful.  Even now when I think about what would have been my oldest child, it can sometimes bring me to my knees.

What has been my saving grace?  The children I was told I would never have....... My 30 year old daughter who has a degree in teaching and now teaches for a college.  My 27 year old daughter who has her doctorate in pharmacy and works for a physician with children who suffer from cystic fibrosis.  Finally my 22 year old son who has just graduated with a degree in bio-medical engeneering.  It took a long time for me to feel the blessing that was given to me with these wonderful children.  For a long time, I was consumed by the one that was taken from mebut I see it and feel it on a daily basis now.  I do not know what I would do if I were to lose any of them now

I also have two grandchildren that are sweeter than sweet, a 5 year old granddaughter and 18 month old grandson.  
They did not come easy however, my daughter miscarried 3 times before she had these healthy two.  It is more than heartbreaking watching this happen to your daughter and not be able to do anything to help except to console her.  The pain was so great, I was not just consoling her, we were consoling each other.

My god give each and every one of you the opportunity to be mothers and experience the joy that only a mother knows.  
God Bless

  

Avatar universal
by Sole, Feb 02, 2010
As I read all these comments, I can't help but think about women who can't even get pregnant, let alone experience a miscarriage. At least with miscarriages, there is more hope, as I know plenty of women who have finally become pregnant after several mc's. I hope I've made sense, I appreciate all the positive stories and sharing.

Avatar universal
by hellen1978, Aug 01, 2010
reading all these stories seem comforting to me as i usually feel like i'm alone.

i have 2 beautiful son's. my eldest is 5 &3/4 (as he keeps saying) & the other is 2. I had a horrific miscarriage in between them, where i started bleeding and heamorraging. i lost more than half my blood and was told that i needed to have a blood transfusion which i refused. they told me i was still young (27 at the time) and that taking double dose iron tablets for 3 months would help. i waited several months for my body to recover before trying again. I fell pregnant with my 2nd son but was worried every step of the way and demanded scans more often to make sure all was ok (i had other worries as my first son was born with problems -but thats another story).

In the past year i have tried for a 3rd child. i'm very clucky and don't feel complete. I have had 2 miscarriages since then. I'm confused because i've had 2 successful, so what would be the problem? usually, they don't consider you as a problem unless you've had 3 or more miscarriages but i've got kids & a husband and can't keep ending up in hospital so i got to see a specialist. he made me do several blood tests (about total of 20 tubes of blood) and an u/s where they insert blue water in the uterus to check for scarring because of all the d/c's i've done. all was good there. in the end, i have to take baby aspirin once i fall pregnant. as soon as the doc gave me the go-ahead, it gave me relief that i can start trying but at the same time i'm petrified. petrified of seeing blood and petrified of doing u/s to once again, see nothing.

sometimes i think that maybe it's just not meant to be. i try not to let it hurt me because i have to 2 beautiful healthy children and so tell myself that i should just worry about the one's i do have and not the one's i don't have. i don't know whether to just let things be.

good luck to you all
i hope all goes well.
may god be with you always

Post a Comment