Jun 11, 2008
Yesterday I was asked "How can I best help you in all of this?" and I honestly said,"I don't know."
This is the first time in my life I can't just get rid of something, or jump a hurdle in my life, and just move on. There have been times I had to fight my way through life, but with a few changes here and there, things were fine.
I finally realized that is the hardest thing to accept, that's why I can't come to terms with this, I can't give it back. Where is my return policy on this? Why can't it be like the rest of the things in my life? When I was living at home and getting abused I could give it back to the abuser by moving out. Return policy #1
Then living life on the streets here and there, I gathered the resources I needed to get off of the streets and better my life, I gave that life back return policy #2.
When I entered domestic violence relationships I gave them back after leaving them return policy #3-7.
When I went through life's many changes I constantly gave life's **** back, where are my return policies now? Did I run out of my allotted return policies life deals out?
That was the best way I could describe to my roommate's husband yesterday. When he asked me how he could best help me, I couldn't just tell him. I did tell him, I want my brain back, I want my quick witted sense of humor back, I want ME back. He poked me, and he said you are still you, I said cute. I said you don't get it.
There was as time in life, when no matter what I was going through I could laugh at the situation and still smile, living on the streets, getting the **** beaten out of me, I still had a love for life, because I know I could change the situation. People could walk up to me and say what do you have to smile about? You life is in shambles and you are smiling. I could honestly say I have everything to smile about. Life was good. Today I can honestly say I can't smile right now. I have to SEARCH for humor in all of this. I have to find the funny moments in my stupidity.
That is where the acceptance is toughest, because I can't just say, okay, this isn't fun anymore, I want to give this back. Where is my return policy?
When it takes me four different tries to do the dishes, when it takes me a week to do laundry when it should only take me a day, or when it takes me a lot of self talking to get out of bed, I know this is a tough battle.
When I have to concentrate on my every move, what I will do that day, if I should or shouldn't go shopping that day etc. I know I have a problem.
All those brain exercise I loved to do, those brain stimli games, are no good to me. I have to relearn my abilities, or find new ones. That is the hardest part. That is where I have to find the new me. I have spent so many years building me up, where I was just a few months ago. I worked so hard coming up from an abused person to where I was so strong and so confident, and now it's like I am starting over from scratch. I have to find me all over again in what I can do.
I finally figured out what was so hard about me using the cane in helping me walk. It was showing weakness. I am not a weak person. I am not a victim. And I hate attention drawn on me. And a cane is an attention getter. I have to learn how to use the cane for me not against me and how to use the reactions to trigger positve reactions instead of negative.
This is how I came to terms yesterday, with what I have. I am out of return policies, so, now I have to figure out how to use the product I am stuck with.