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killing the love...

Nov 09, 2009 - 46 comments

i don't even know where to start. as most of you know i've had issues with dh's anger. well he still hasn't gone to see a therapist. the anger is about the same. he's only broken 2 game controllers and the tv remote this month. so we'll only need to spend $150 that we don't have to replace them. i got a sports writers job yesterday. it's non paying but that doesn't matter to me. it's something where i'll be getting published which will help me more with landing an agent for my book. everyone else was telling how proud they were, what a great job i did and how exciting it is. what does dh say? "how much money do you get. none? wow you f*cked up didn't you? why would you do something so stupid. you got screwed. you could post it yourself and not let someone steal it." before that when i told him about it he said, "a sports writer? who would hire you to do that? you don't know enough. you still ask me questions. why set yourself up for such a disappointment?" i was crushed. how does a man who supposedly loves you say such mean and hurtful things? then today he got p!ssed at the xbox and spiderman game he was playing b/c he was loosing, threw the controller at the wall, broke it. once he was done breaking it he then proceeded to yell at me. first it was for putting the kids down for their nap early. they were tired. red eyes, rubbing them and yawning. so then he just keeps nagging me about it. then while i'm trying to things on my laptop he continues to pull out the usb drive for my wireless mouse. yeah i got mad...so instead of saying anything i simply started using the mouse pad on the laptop. so he says "you know what. f*ck you. i can't stand talking to you..." blah blah blah.

why do men have to be such @$$holes? why couldn't he just say " good job honey." "i'm proud of you sweetheart." or even an "atta girl". something positive.

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171768 tn?1324233699
by tiredbuthappy, Nov 09, 2009
This is more than him being an @sshole. This is a serious problem. This is mental/emotional abuse, and given his anger issues, I would fear it turning into physical abusive. Even if it doesn't progress to physical, do you want to hear your kids speak to you like that? Do you want them to see him lash out and break things?

I don't know you and haven't read any other journals, so i know nothing about your history, I hope I am wrong. I just wanted to give my gut response, my first impression based on reading this little snippet of your life. Sometimes the blunt honesty of a stranger is what we need.

I do want to add congrats on the job! That's a great way to get your foot in the door. You're building a foundation for a future. We all gotta put in some time to get ahead.

Avatar universal
by msniki412, Nov 09, 2009
Honestly, I think you need to pack your bags and take your kids and get away from him...atleast for a few months to maybe see if this helps him. I read your last journel on this issue, never commented though. But I just feel this will not be good for you and your babies. If he loves you and the kids, he would be more then willing to get help...or atleast talk to somebody like his family or friends and just open up about things. I mean breaking things and cursing, is a horrible thing to do to a loved one. He really has no respect for you, becuase even though your new job pays nothing...he should atleast be happy that your doing something you like to do, and that is writing. I hope he realizes soon that he needs to shape up, take responsibilites for his life and seek help before its too late and he loses you and the kids. I know that would be the utmost hardest thing for you too do, but as a mother you need to put your kids first and need to have them live in a enviorment not full of anger.

483733 tn?1326802046
by TrudieC, Nov 09, 2009
I've been there and unless he gets into therapy in a big way it's only going to get worse.  Men like this feel so bad about themselves that they feel the need to bring you down in order to help them feel better.  Nothing you can do or say is going to help.  His behavior will end up being pointed at your children as well.  They will end up lacking self confidence which can lead to so many problems in their lives.  Get out before someone gets hurt.

127124 tn?1326739035
by have 2 kids, Nov 09, 2009
Heather- you need to take the boys and leave.  He is unwilling to get help.

770551 tn?1305582501
by sunshine1976, Nov 09, 2009
Please Heather take care of yourself and your boys.  If he is not willing to go in for therapy, leave.  Have you thought of seeing a counsilor yourself?  It can really be beneficial when making these tough choices.  No matter what you decide know we are here.  Love and prayers.

By the way I'm very proud of you, the gig sounds awesome.

184674 tn?1360864093
by AHP84, Nov 09, 2009
Please get away from him because I honestly fear for your safety and your sons' safety. He has a serious issue that requires professional help, and he is not getting it. He is displaying the forewarning behaviors of "snapping" and doing something that could result in an extreme tragedy that makes national headlines.
There is absolutely no shame in him getting professional help for what he's going through, and there's no shame in you taking you children and getting away from him for all of your safety's sake until he can show improvements. I went through an emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive relationship for many years, but nothing that quite amounted to some of the behaviors that your husband is showing, especially towards you.

On a postive note, I saw your status update when you got your sports writer job the other day, but I was unable to send a congrats note--so I just want to take this time to say that I'm happy for you that you got this job and this opportunity, because I know how much it means to you, and it's a great starting point to gain bigger and better experiences! I started my writing career with my University's newspaper and was paid $5 an article. Many of them got published on the online newspaper along with the printed editions, so nearly all of my work can be googled. I got my career I work now based on those writing samples, so opportunities like what you've gotten as a sports writer, even if unpaid, is a great way to build experiences and a career profile for future opportunities. Great job, I know you'll do well!

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 09, 2009
Wow Heather.  This sounds serious.  I've read about your husband before.  He must scare you and he definitely scares the kids and if all this Doesn't scare you, you have been living with it too long.  I had a neighbor who's husband was like this.  I once asked her why she didn't leave...she seemed so self sufficient to me.  She just said "it's not that easy."  I guess so because my husband treats me awful, yet here I am, but only because I am dependent on him.  

If you don't have any health issues and can make it on your own, why not give your husband an ultimatum of either getting help or you're leaving.  His anger and violent behavior are going to change who your sweet children are, if not already.  This sounds like a terrible way to live.  All this violence you describe.  One of these days, it will be directed at you or the kids.  

Also, ask yourself when the last time your husband was supportive to you?  If he never has been, then stop waiting for something that will never come.  I had to learn that myself.  My husband is not a supportive person so waiting for him to be so is just a waste of time.  

And whatever you do, do not listen to his verbal abuse.  Do not be "crushed" from the words of an abuser.  Do your best to forget his hurtful words.  He is an angry man and the better you do for yourself, the happier you are, the worse he will get.  


Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 09, 2009
he does have his moments of supporting me. he supports my writing (my book...as long as it gets published and makes money...) to an extent. apparently it's ok for me to write a novel but how dare i write about sports. granted i don't know everything but i know a lot.

i just don't get him. i am dependent on him. for now. and i do have health issues. i have to have a colposcopy done b/c i've bee having abnormal pap smears, i'm having issues with my head. (not mental ones) having the boys, no job (i haven't worked in 2 years, aside from my writing, since i was pregnant)

i know deep down the greg i know and love is in there. i don't know where he's at but he's in there somewhere....i just need to find him. i think i will give him the ultimatum. i'm going to wait until after the holidays though. i'm not throwing this on him right now...even though he has no problem doing. i don't want the kids to be away from their daddy on thanksgiving and christmas.

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 09, 2009
Are you sure Greg isn't doing drugs?  My husband quit smoking pot for a year and that one year was the only time I've ever seen him sober for any length of time and he was a completely different person.  COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.  He went back to the pot a year and a half ago it was so easy to tell because my beautiful, relatively thoughtful, responsible husband has completely disappeared.  I know the man I love is in there, but it's getting more and more difficult to love someone who is never ever himself.    

You won't be able to "find" your husband until he realizes himself that he's "gone."  It doesn't sound like he realizes...

I understand about the kids and the holidays.  



127124 tn?1326739035
by have 2 kids, Nov 09, 2009
I hope it won't be too late for you and/or the boys safety if you wait till after the holidays.     The stress of holidays increases violence.

284738 tn?1283110419
by pinkbelle, Nov 09, 2009
you are making excuses of why you 'need' to stay.. this is an abusive relationship text book case...  its an abusive cycle that will not end well. please google - verbal and emotional abuse  and the abuse cycle... get informed, make a plan and get the h*** out of there.. i came from an abusive household ... and i can tell you the best thing you can do for your children is to not raise them in that enviroment.. do you know that over 50% of people raised in an abusive household grow up to either be abusers themselves or to become victims of abuse.. the stats are very real and very scary ... please for the sake of your boys .. get a plan, get yourself together and get those boys out of there

684676 tn?1503190263
by onthefence, Nov 09, 2009
there is 2 sides to every story, will he get on and tell his, then maybe you could begin to see if it is possible to work things out possibly w/counseling......

770551 tn?1305582501
by sunshine1976, Nov 09, 2009
Men's Group in Pittsburgh:
http://www.wcspittsburgh.org/Page.aspx?pid=376

Women's Group:
http://www.wcspittsburgh.org/Page.aspx?pid=361

Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 09, 2009
i'm 1,000,000% sure he's not doing drugs. he's a marine and was drug tested every few months plus he's 100% anti drug.

onthefence - i have no intentions on divorcing him...unless he of course he starts hitting me or our kids. i do fully intend on getting him into therapy....one way or the other. then both of us to marriage counseling.

i know i have issues as well. his main "problem" with me is my memory. i don't really have a short term memory. i can remember some things but most i don't. i was in a horse riding accident a few years back and one of the times i hit my head on a rock rolling down the hill damaged that part of my brain. his other problems with me are also related to the head injuries i received from the accident. i have issues concentrating and when he talks to me he wants my undivided attention. which when they kids aren't around he gets...i just can't concentrate and focus on what he's saying. he gets mad when he has to repeat himself. (if he mumbles i simply can't hear what he said) he also thinks i "baby" the boys too much. they're 15 months old...they are babies. yes they are extremely smart but they're still babies.

i am seeking medical help for my head (like i stated previously) i just have to wait until our insurance is settled. now that he is inactive reserve the military doesn't cover the family. so we have to get our own. which..unfortunately costs between $400-$600 dollars/month...

134578 tn?1546634665
by AnnieBrooke, Nov 09, 2009
Heatherlynn, kids who come from an abusive home report that it isn't the hitting that was the worst, it is the words.  Please don't say "I don't intend to divorce him unless he starts hitting me or the kids."  Hitting is not the worst thing he could do right now, showing your children that it is OK to be verbally abusive and have no impulse control and live in a stress-filled environment is the worst thing.  Please consider, please consider.  You are not taking care of your children, if you let things stay as they are.  

145992 tn?1341348674
by mami1323, Nov 09, 2009
Sweetie, it isn't you.  You could be a stepford wife and he would still find reasons to belittle you and insult you and it's because he has no self esteem.  I don't know who mentioned it above but he has to put you down because he has no self worth.  Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it's not abuse.  He verbally and emotionally hurts you.  I don't think he's a horrible person and I don't think that he doesn't love you but I do feel that he has way too many issues and he refuses to help himself.  What are you supposed to do?  Stick around until your boys get older and start witnessing his outbursts?  Remember, this is their role model.  You need to scare him into getting the help he needs.  Can family help you?  

184342 tn?1282592350
by tatorbug40, Nov 09, 2009
Annie is right-  I came from an abusive home....  my dad didn't hit us (well,  he didn't hit me)-  but for years we stayed in a very very horrible situation-  my mom stayed because she didn't want to break up the family,  she thought it was best for us,  she loved him,  she was afraid of him---  yadda yadda yadda....  I can remember CLEARLY some very very horrible nights from my childhood-  I admire you trying to get counciling,  but my parents did that for years....  and it never changed a thing....  it is easy to sit here and tell you that you just need to leave-  but I understand that sometimes it just isn't that easy...  but don't give your children the memories I have....  no one needs those.  

284738 tn?1283110419
by pinkbelle, Nov 09, 2009
ladies just give it a rest.. she has her mind made up and nothing we say is gonna change it.. its sad as i myself have been there.. i was raised in an abusive household both physical and verbal and the words hurt way more than any bruise.. bruises fade but words they stay with you.. i had a very low self esteem for a very long time and then found myself in an abusive relationship.. it took me a long time to get better.. but i finally am..  

she obviously wants to stay so thats her decision but if he continues with his abuse the boys are gonna pay the price.. trust me i know..    as a mother now i would never EVER want my children to go through what i went through but thats just me everyone is different.. i know my words are harsh but someone needs to be thinking of those children cus obviously neither of you are.. b/c if u were  1 of 2 things would have happened by now 1 ) he would be in counsling or 2 ) you would have left..

i feel bad for the kids ... the kids are the ones who always get hurt .. its  a shame b/c they are just kids and they have no control over who their parents are... do u know how many days i wished my mom would leave my dad? EVERY SINGLE DAY of my childhood.. do you know how many times i cried myself to sleep ... too many night to count... do you know how much abuse i endured during my childhood -- way too much! all b/c my mom didn't want to leave my dad.. you know what happened? i went to court at just 15 years old and appealed to a judge to PLEASE emmanicipate me from my parents.. and guess what HE GRANTED ME THE EMMANCIPATION!  i stayed with my grandmother until i was 17 yrs old then got a place of my own..  

please do not repeat the mistake my own mother made.. or you will end up regretting it .. trust me i know all too well!  Men like your husband are ABUSERS!  they do not know what 'real love' is...   i am getting really angry right now so i am gonna step away from this post..  and take a breather..  

719902 tn?1334168783
by jenkaye21, Nov 09, 2009
How do the kids react when he throws things against the wall?  How do they act when he is yelling/cussing at you??  They have got to be frightened by it, and upset, and it will only get worse for them as they get older and understand more of what is going on.  

I have been in your situation and I know it makes you feel like sh!t.  In fact, I have not shared this but it reminded me so much of your situation that I got goosebumps.  On Halloween I took our four kids trick-or-treating by myself (as usual.)  I saw a friend of DH's, who he happened to work with that day, and he asked where he was.  I (jokingly) said, "You must have wore him out today, he is at home resting."   When I got home I mentioned that to my DH.  He said, "Oh that's nice", kinda smart-a$$, and I said "I was joking!"  Whatever.

So the next day, he came home from a friend's house where he had been drinking (but definitely not drunk), and FLIPPED OUT about what I had said the night before.  Cussed me, used the f- word repeatedly, went on and on and on about how hard he worked and how I couldn't do what he does blah blah blah,.  I was like OMG I was KIDDING!  But he would not stop.  Our four kids were in bed but I know they heard him and were scared.  He also flipped the heavy recliner over in anger, knocking it into the wall.

Well, that night I slept on the couch but the next day I told him, in all seriousness, if he EVER comes home and acts like that again his a$$ is out.  We have been together for 13 years and have four kids but I will NOT tolerate that kind of behavior around my kids.  In 13 years he has had maybe 4 or 5 of these outbursts, but that one was his last.  My kids (if not myself) do not deserve to be put in a situation where they are frightened by their own father.  And if it happens again, I ABSOLUTELY WILL make good on my promise to boot him.  I think he knows it, too.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, I know you love him, I understand, but really, step back and look at your situation from another point of view.  Like your children's.  Or a friend's.  What advice would you give a friend in a similar situation??  All of your friends here have the same advice, which should speak pretty strongly.... I'm not saying divorce him, leave him forever, but he definitely needs something to wake him up and change him or he does not deserve you.  Good luck, hon, I wish you the best.

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 09, 2009
Sorry Heather, didn't mean to offend.  I guess this sounds even more scary knowing that drugs have nothing to do with his behavior and it's just "him."

Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 09, 2009
he doesn't scream and yell in front of them. he doesn't play video games when they're awake so he doesn't get mad at that. he is a wonderful father. he's just...i don't know.

i'm a bit more understanding of where his anger comes from. he does have ptsd from being in iraq (he saw some god awful things and his nightmares have been coming back) and i'm not making excuses for him. i know despite his anger and rage if i would completely abandon him he would probably kill himself. (he's told me before the kids and i are the only reason he hasn't so far)

i just REALLY wish i knew a way to get him into therapy. to get it through his head that it's not demasculating him, that he can still be the manly, macho man he wants to be he'll just learn to control the temper. i have told mom and dad (his mom and dad...) and they are planning on doing an intervention with him. they don't want me and the kids there though in case he does "flip out". which i don't think he would. not with his parents. especially his dad. he can be a pretty scary guy. (he's not though...he's a really great guy. it's just his demeanor and the fact he's 6'4 and a burly man) he's not a bad guy. he really really isn't. most of the time he is a loving man. when he gets in these "moods" he's awful. which usually happens when the nightmares start and he can't sleep. he went an entire week without sleeping once b/c he was afraid of the dreams. that is one thing he won't open up about...what happened to him over there. i know some things (he lost one of his best friends 13 hours after they landed and joined the unit they were merging with in a road side/ied bombing) and one other that is just to horrible to even think about (the only reason i know about that one is b/c he woke up screaming one night and just told me.).



770551 tn?1305582501
by sunshine1976, Nov 09, 2009
I wish he could meet my therapy loving husband.6 foot 4 inches of burley gun toting Tattoos. LOL
My husband said once he wouldn't be a very good man if he ignored his problems and let down his family.  Only boys run away, men stand up and fight even when it's with themselves.

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 09, 2009
You've got a smart man, sunshine1976...

770551 tn?1305582501
by sunshine1976, Nov 09, 2009
Thank You Jade, He must be very smart, He married me! LOL

483733 tn?1326802046
by TrudieC, Nov 09, 2009
It is very hard to leave a situation like this.  When I was going through it I didn't have the internet or anyone to talk to.  I suffered physical and mental abuse and left when my son was a year old.  He threatened to kill himself.  I called his family and they called him on it.  We were apart a year and then I got lonely and thought he had changed.  I went back again and stayed for another 7 years before I finally got out.  He never hit me again, just threatened to and the emotional abuse escalated.  Luckily he lived for money and insisted I keep working even though I wanted to be a SAHM.  I figured if I was going to work I was going to earn as much as possible.  He let me go to university at night in addition to working.  My career took off.  The confidence I gained was fantastic.  I had many health issues and had no emotional or physical support through it.  I got depressed and wanted to kill myself.  Went on depression pills and therapy.  Therapist told me I could stay on pills to help me tolerate the situation or get off them and take action.  By this time my son was getting older and the husband was starting to target him.  It took 3 tries but I finally got out and got me back.  My son was so happy when I finally made the move.  It is worth it but you have to be ready for it.

145992 tn?1341348674
by mami1323, Nov 10, 2009
You can't force him into therapy.  He needs a wake up call.  Perhaps if you leave with the boys, he will feel it and get himself some help.  If he threatens suicide than you can have him committed and he will then have no choice but to get help.  If he's screaming and throwing things, then the boys will hear it.  Even if they sleep through it now, one day they will be older and not sleep through it.  It will scare them to death and they will suffer for it.  I think you need to be strong and take action at this point.  If you decide to stay with him this way than you are losing out on your own happiness.  You can't continue to use his ptsd as an excuse for his outbursts.  He's got problems, he needs help and if you stay with him and make excuses for him, he will never feel the need to get that help because frankly there are no consequences to his actions.  I wish you and your kids the best but your sons have to come before your husband.  Their safety and emotional health should outweigh your need to stay with your husband.  

184674 tn?1360864093
by AHP84, Nov 10, 2009
I have heard the suicide threat/excuse multiple times from my ex--how he couldn't bear the thought of living without me, or watching his son grow up day to day; that we gave him reason to live and "please" don't take that away from him because he didn't trust himself to not kill himself.
I cannot tell you how many times I heard these lines. I cannot tell you how many times this threat (that's what it is, it is an emotional threat of a permanent guilt trip) manipulated me to stay with my ex, even if not officially "together," to keep him in intimate contact on a regular basis, i.e. calling him every day to see how he was doing, encouraging him that we would be back together and assuring him that I was going nowhere without him.

This does not change the abuser's behavior or stop the abuse!

It is an empty threat, that's all it is. It can also be dangerous if he truly IS suicidal, because your presence and company is NOT going to change that, it may simply delay a tragedy. Read and know the stats of controlling/emotional/verbal abuse from people who are suicidal and have behavioral and mood disorders such as PTSD (which in and of itself can be detrimental to anxiety, depression, and anger issues to boot)--there are overwhelming stats to show that people in these states of mind can "snap" at any random time and do something horrifying, usually something that can result in things such kidnap, torture, murder, and then their own suicide.

It was 25 months ago now that I heard for the last time the threat of suicide from my ex. He had just found out that I was seeing my now-husband; I told him because he was continuously harassing me every single day with phone calls, bawling or raging that I should take him back. His moods were so extreme. The moment I told him "I'm seeing someone else," he began "hyperventilating" over the phone and crying and begging and pleading me not to continue a relationship with anyone but him. After eight years of dealing with these outbursts by this point, I was very cold and callous to his reaction because I knew it was a manipulation tactic and a threat.
Then he said it (bawling and hyperventilating): "I dunno what I'm gonna do! I dunno what I'm gonna do! My God, I have a gun in the drawer by my bed and I just wanna shove it in my mouth and pull the trigger cuz I dunno how I can live with this!"
I took a deep breath and said, "No, you won't do it. And if you do, you know what? I don't care. You're threats are not my problem anymore. You've told me so many times before you would kill yourself and you have never even attempted it. You won't do this. I'm hanging up now. I refuse to listen to this."
And I hung up.
I don't know what he did the rest of that day, but he certainly didn't kill himself. I did, however, call his mother the next day and told her what he'd said, and that if she determined it was a genuine concern, to please make the correct contacts to get him hospitalized and get help. She thanked me for the call (he'd made these threats to her before, too).
My ex is still alive and well today. I don't believe he was ever hospitalized for any type of phychiatric evaluation after than incident. I called his bluff and that's all it was.
And as Mami1323 said, if you really believe his suicidal threats are genuine, make the contacts to have him committed the day you do something drastic enough to trigger a reaction from him, then he will be forced into getting the help he needs.

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 11, 2009
Hi Heather...our local tv station had some show on last night.  I came in on it late so don't know what the title was, but it was men being interviewed who had just come home from Iraq.  They were relating horrifiying stories of what they had seen and heard and how they felt about it.  All I could think of was your poor husband!  There are so many men and women going through the same thing your husband is, I wonder why your husband won't get help?  He is not alone and from some of the descriptions last night, NO ONE in their RIGHT MIND could ever come home after seeing such horrifying things; having to make such terrible decisions on the spot, and feel normal when they came home from war.  Feeling normal after seeing such awful things seems like an impossibility.  Seems like it should be a REQUIREMENT for the men and women coming home from war, to go to therapy.  I don't know how people would ever get over something like that without a little help?  

I understand better today what your husband must be going through.  I hope for all of your sakes, he chooses to get help.  He must really be suffering :(



Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 11, 2009
actually if they fail the mental health evaluation are required to get help before being discharged. greg passed it but barely. he does have a mild form of PTSD but i actually think it's getting worse. we were watching a documentary on marines and he just got so into it. i honestly think he really misses active duty. he's just not adjusting to civilian life which i think can be contributing to his behavior as well.

on a good note he COMPLIMENTED me yesterday. : o) we went to the park with the kids and i actually did something with my god awful hair. when i was getting the kids shoes on he said "you should do your hair more. you look really beautiful when it's like that." i said thanks. THEN.....he ruins it. lol he says "yeah every other day you look like an old, stressed, frazzled mom." i look at hims and say "that's because i f%*#%&* am an old, stressed, frazzled mom you dipsh!t" he's like "well why can't you do your hair?" eli and brett began screaming at the same time..i say "that's why i don't. when do i have TIME to do my hair???"

so he did compliment me...then just killed it. lol.

Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 11, 2009
oh and we actually snuggled in bed last night!!! we haven't done that in forever. he's usually up late doing work and i'm sleeping or i'm up late doing work and he's sleeping. lol. but we were both so tired last night we went to bed AT THE SAME TIME AND SNUGGLED. it was nice...but i foresee late nights for both of us.

thank the good lord for coffee and naps!!!

676912 tn?1332816151
by smjmekg, Nov 11, 2009
A compliment is a compliment, even with a smart@$$ remark after. It's a good thing. And the snuggling is good too. Good to see something positive.

Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 11, 2009
lol why do men always ruin it with the smara$$ remark?

it is a good thing. it's the first time he's complimented me in a long time. i was very proud of him.

242912 tn?1402547092
by Jade59, Nov 11, 2009
That is what you call a "backhanded" compliment...

676912 tn?1332816151
by smjmekg, Nov 11, 2009
Cause men are jerks. DH can never be serious in a serious moment, even in bed when things are heating up he'll do something completely immature, like if I go to kiss him he'll blow on my lips and try to blow air into my mouth. Real turn on right? I don't know...men take a lot longer to grow up than women, some never do. You can say the same about women too, but we're tend to mature faster.

Avatar universal
by heatherlynn22, Nov 12, 2009
OMG!!! greg doe the SAME thing! it drives me up the wall!!! i like the serious moments, the intamcy, romance. it's like as soon as it turns a tiny bit serious he has to revert to being a kid. or...just to make those romantic moments even more romantic he'll roll over so his bum is on my leg ...can you guess where this is going? yeah he farts on my leg! so gross.

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by AnnieBrooke, Nov 12, 2009
Heather, the farting on the leg would be enough for me, let alone the post traumatic stress.  LOL

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by heatherlynn22, Nov 12, 2009
oh when he farts on me i hit him with the pillow and roll over. he then does the "oh baby come on. what's wrong."

farting is definitely a mood killer.

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by onenamilliongirl, Nov 17, 2009
Heather, after reading some of your posts I felt the desire to comment. Verbal wounds leave deeper scars than physical. Also I know of several different families where the dad would verbally abuse the mother & the children when they were older would cuss the mother & show disrespect. When they were  married they started abusing their spouses, tape recordings in their minds, replaying how you should treat your spouse in any differences, etc. I'm sorry your husband went through hell overseas & has bad memories but that does not excuse his cruel behavior towards you. Lots of people I personally know have lived hell here on earth but it helped them to have compassion, etc. I feel it's a matter of basics, are you deep down to the core basiclly a good kind person, or you are you basiclly mean spirited. Regarding the suicide threat, I told my ex when he threatened too, that if he did, the fault would not just lay with me, that it would be over his childhood, his teachers, his family, school, job, friends, that he didn't get to that point of suicidal tendencies over just me. He kept threatning, so finally I told him, well if you are going to do it because I won't stay with you, and we had two daughters, then it's better one unhappy dead person, and eventually three happy people, then FOUR totally miserable and unhappy people! That was 26 yrs ago and he's remarried & happy. I think you are in love with the dreams you had for you & your husband, & the love that once was, and possibly never will be again.

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by jollyman069, Nov 17, 2009
heather, seems like you have some very deep \seated problems in your marriage and your husband has some real issues that need to be taken care of...good luck, and God Bless....brian

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by heatherlynn22, Nov 20, 2009
well...dh and i talked. again. he agreed...again...to go to therapy. we do have to wait until our insurance issues are sorted out but once they are he's going to therapy for his anger and we are going to marriage counseling. so a step in the right direction....right?

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by April2, Nov 20, 2009
That's wonderful! Yes, very good step in the right direction! Make sure he goes through with it and show him you will support him all the way with this. I know it can be a bit scary but remind him this will help him be the best person he can be! The best father, husband, friend. We all need help at times and it doesn't make us weaker, it actually makes us stronger.
I'll keep you all in my prayers! God bless you guys!

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by heatherlynn22, Nov 20, 2009
i told him this time there are no excuses for not going.

thank you april. i'm very excited for the therapy and really think it will help us. i'm hoping the insurance (feels like it's been going on forever....) will be settled by next month. so january is when the therapy will begin!

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by AHP84, Nov 20, 2009
I hope the new year brings your family wonderful opportunities. :-)

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by heatherlynn22, Nov 20, 2009
thank you ahp!!! the support and advice everyone has been giving me is much appreciated. thank you so so much!!

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by Crochetya, Nov 20, 2009
Did you know that acton speaks louder than words????? This is the language I listen to. This is the real deal. I tell hubby this all the time. Why are you saying one thing and doing another? Really, do you just want to tell me what I want to hear, as to shut me up about the topic or  do you want to communicate? I am through playing the game. I try to keep it real, and if he can't go there, Oh well!! This is from someone who thought I could hurt and do everything he wanted to. I call this a one way street. Onesided relationship. I have been married for 32 yrs. I stayed because of my boys. They are my life. At the present time, I am fixing to go into the empty nest. Guess What?  We can do this together or apart? His choice. I am easy.

Your situation needs to be corrected and yes some children learn what they live while others learn not to do what their parents did.

Good Luck in MT.

Thanks for the vent.

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by Pakigirl, Dec 08, 2009
i couldnt  read all the above posts but it is very interesting when I read ur post and then you also mentioned he doesnt use  drugs, I was going to ask if he had been in Iraq or afghanistan war? I have  heard about this many times that some soldiers had to kill innocent people in Iraq and as a result they got depressed and I have also heard about few who quit  their  job in army because they were very stressed due to the killings they had done. I feel like your husband is also going through hard times and is regreting and may sometimes holds you responsible for his job and thats why he gets mad and  takes out his anger at you. I wouldnt  recommend to get divorce or leave him because its easy to break but very hard to make your house. I hope he turns nice again and God protect you and your sons. :)

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