Nov 16, 2009
I'm so over being tired, but I'm really over not enjoying my kids. And I'm over f**ing up their lives, whether I really am or just think I am - it is still the same in the end for me. I empathise so much for the people left in foster homes, and unloved and orphaned but I struggle with my own child - I love her, but **** she annoys me! She whinges, she has no idea how lovely her life is, how loved and safe and happy she is. I know, I know, she's 7 but still - sometimes I think we are getting there when she realises that when I say "My dad never let me do that" or "my dad hit me if I did that" that I am talking about her Papa... so maybe it's starting to come together for her, that I'm nicer than he was.
I hate the constant "I want", I mean it's just so inbuilt to being human. How many little plastic things (polly pocket, barbie, petshop) do you need to have before it's enough? She's only got two small hands!!
She doesn't have the emotional intelligence that #2 child has, so of course she has no idea when to stop with her behaviour. She chucked a tantrum today but was trying SO hard to control herself that she looked like she was morphing into a vampire or werewolf. D and I were actually laughing at her cause she looked so ridiculous, but at the same time I DO feel her pain, I do empathise so I kind of DO understand how she must feel...
Really not sure why I wanted to be a parent, or what exactly I thought it would entail - bloody maternal instinct, tricked me it did!!