Jun 16, 2008
My friends all seem to think there is nothing wrong with me and I don't need to be medicated - I just need to snap out of it. Familiar story for a lot of depressed people I guess. Fact is over the past few months I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have this thing, this condition and it kind of makes me sick to see it happening and scared to know I can't control it fully. Thankfully for now I feel like I can still see beyond this disease and it's effects and ways of thinking to see that I am not well. This is what keeps me going and trying to look for solutions but I am tired. I am scared I will get worse - even though I am trying hard to get better. They say depressed people think feeling okay is weird, because they only know depression. I don't think that is 100% accurate of me. I do remember happy pro longed peroids of my life but there is definitely a darkness and sadness that has followed me around for most of it and I am probably more used to feeling this way than not.
Thankfully, with coming to terms of acknowledging my depression - I can start to see that maybe life is not as dreadfully doom and gloom as I always feared.
I went off of Wellbutrin a few weeks ago after being on it for 6 months, and I was okay for the first week or so... but then I slipped.. as I told you things came up that triggered dreadful feelings for me. Things about my ex, people I just feel wronged by and the realisations of the now consequences of my own irresponsibility for my own well being have effected me life. I felt really down and it didn't stop there. I kept getting worse day by day again until I felt so tired, spacey, sad and hopeless that I was really struggling again. And I am pushing myself to stay active, to do my yoga everyday.. biking 8 miles.. the gym .. and I still feel out of it. By this past Friday I couldn't handle it anymore. Fact is I do believe now that I need treatment.
So I am back on the Wellbutrin. I started to feel better instantly.. but after a few days I am down again but not as bad. I am afraid to go on any other type of medicine like Effexor or a drug like Prozac .. because of the controversy and heavy side effects and addictive qualities of them. Wellbutrin is supposed to be the best there is with the least amount of side effects or dependency. It is in it's own class and I do this this is a good medication. However, it is not known to work on seratonen but more so dopamine.. and while it has helped me a lot.. sometimes it doesn't feel like enough so I struggle with the idea of trying one of those other medications -- like Effexor which has already been prescribed to me. In the end it's all my choice, drugs or no drugs .. my Dr. told me that - he said it is up to you whether you want to take anything or not. The controversy around antidepressants makes it harder for me. Maybe if I was someone who drank, or did recreational drugs I wouldn't mind it so much. I have had my share of experimentation -- I have never done anything more than once or twice. But I have not really done any recreational drug for the past two years...and hardly ever drink and never probably would again. Drugs scare me. I don't like feeling altered and not in control. But at the moment I honestly feel like I do not have a choice when it comes to antidepressants and depression.
The good thing about what I take.. Wellbutrin ( also known as the quit smoking drug called Zyban ) is that it is prescribed for many things to many people.. it seems to be a good drug. So maybe I should stick with it. Work hard at working with it and try to boost my seratonan in other ways. I take high amounts of fish oil .. omega 3's and dha, vitamin d, liquid vitamin 12 and multivitamins ... I try to eat balanced and really healthy and exercise at least an hour to three every single day.
Depression is something I have dealt with for most of my life and until now had no handle on. I didn't know I was severely depressed - I just thought that this was life and I was sensitive. I still don't know what I think about it all. Science vs. spirituality is still something I haven't been able to figure out. I know it is hard for people to understand who don't have it because they think it's just feeling blue or sad, but when you literally don't have the ability to break out of it and it gets worse and worse.. it's different. The physicality of depression is the worst. I am a lot calmer these days and that is good. I know how I have acted and I can see the times when I have been extreme and chosen to go there and not curb the emotion.
I just hope I can stay in control of my thinking better and won't have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I always saw myself as a strong, clear person. I have always felt connected to my spiritual self and inner conscience. This period makes it harder to feel these things as clear. But I know what they are. I still feel my emotions and I can still feel love. I will continue to pray even if I don't feel that presence around me because somehow even through this fog that I cannot seem to fully get out of, I know that I am still watched over and protected. For now, it's my work to be strong and learn how to deal with each day as it comes. I want nothing more than to heal.