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Starting to remember why I numbed out in the first place???

Feb 19, 2015 - 8 comments

I've been debating wether to put this up as a journal but I'd rather type than write and I really need to try something different. I'm not usually a journaler, so I'll give it a try.  
I find myself losing patience alot, getting stuck in "my head" with these really juvenille thoughts that I just wish would go away.  I'm still clean and still attending N/A but now that I've made friends and involved with most of my family again, it just seems like it's alot of the same old same old ****?  Worry as to why someone stopped calling me, worry that i've said something wrong, letting it get to me what other people think of me????  At 43 years old I'd really like to not give a ****, but I do?  Not only do I care, I OBSESS about it (too myself)....all this is going on in my head, so I'm really mute in meetings where I used to speak quite a bit.  This makes me wonder if really it isn't the people around me, maybe it's the vibe I'm giving off?  How do I snap out of it?  Why sometimes can I walk around with my head held high and others, I feel like an idiot?  You know, the 13 year old girl with no friends, though she wants them?  
I'm taking everything way to personally ( as if the world revolves around me )???  So my sponser didn't call me back after I called her one time?  Does that mean she hates me..,.,.,..JESUS CHRIST.....maybe this is what I used drugs for, to turn my freakin brain off!  Sometimes it's like I'm my own worst enemy?  Had a fight with my husband on Thursday (of last week) and though we're civil, you can still feel the tension.....
I don't know why I expected things in life to be different once I got clean? There's the same drama, crap, **** that I remember before that I didn't like?  I'm not a good "game player"....if you get what I mean?

Wow, some reflection while I write kind of does feel better.....who knew?????  

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by dominosarah, Feb 19, 2015
Sounds like you have been just going thru the motions and are stuck in your head at the moment.  This is pretty common.  You are going to have to step up and get out of that so called comfort zone.  Our addiction loves this as it is a perfect time to attack.  We are our own worst enemy and an idle brain is the devils playground.  Why not talk about this at one of your meetings?  It is up to us to reach out and we all seem to fall into this at some point.

I live by the "not my monkey, not my circus" saying.  I have cut out alot of things in my life including people who bring drama to the table, especially self induced drama.  The older you get the less tolerant you become for all the BS and you learn to pick your battles.

I am glad you journaled this.  You will get thru this so start talking!!

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by motye51, Feb 19, 2015
It is up to me to reach out and ask for help.and this is where my brain, pride and ego are totally getting in the way! As if the people around me are supposed to know this??? I have a meeting tonight at 8:00....and right now im allowing fear to run me??? Fear if embarassment, fear of rejection, fear, fear fear.....underneath my really strong brick exterior is total fear????

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by spider6, Feb 19, 2015
"Not my monkey, not my circus", love it!  I agree with everything Sarah said. I feel for you though as I live in my own private h-ll, named fear. Mine manifests itself as anxiety and panic attacks.  I feel I have a slight advantage though.....I really don't give a sh*t what people think and if I want to know what's the haps, I'll fear comes from a much more subtle place in my head, my edge of reality gets shakey as I just can't believe the stupidness of our human species in our day to days........whoops, that doesn't sound psychotic at all! Lol  

Here's something I noticed amongst us all here on MH.  and with all due respect, as I adore you all but some of us get very t t t touchy, hypersensitive and it comes out as a bruised ego and an unwarranted cry of abandonment. I think this is a normal part of brain repair.........cuuuuuuuuzzzzzzz, I've also noticed as some angels progress far into their sobriety; their egos are much less prone to "over thinking, over-projecting" ........ME. Included.    *please note! I'm NOT speaking of anyone in particular, please don't get mad and hate me. (Lil joke)....ya really teeny Spidey.

Another way to go is CBT...Tony and Lola know quite a bit about that.  I'm sure others here do too.  
For me.....if all else fails...fall back on humour...... most fav thing to do socially or by myself...laugh...humour....

Of course it's why you took we have to learn how to "deal" without the numbing fog. It's haaaaaaard!.....but ima doing it and you will too.  Keep journaling, force yourself to talk about this at your meetings...step out of your red velvet roped barricade (more theatrical than a box; why, idk, just cuz)

Can't wait to hear more about your success chicky. Bless hugs

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Feb 19, 2015
I was disappointed with sobriety, that is no joke. I expected something really different, like stopping drugs was the answer. It was the start of the answer, but you know how answers akways raise 2 new questions? Getting sober gave me the chance to make my life better, but waking up to the mess I was in really wasn't what I wanted. The only things that have changed since then are the things I worked my butt off to change, quitting drugs was only the first one. My mind so t tolerate complacency, I am getting better or worse. Personally, I have to keep working at improving with the same determination that got me through detox, forever. It is a cross I must bare, but I've learned to have fun with it. Fun is vital in my recovery, I am far too intense. Growth, inspiration, peace are all things I must strive for constantly. What inspires YOU?

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by motye51, Feb 19, 2015
Honestly, i dont know yet???

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Feb 19, 2015
Can you remember a time when you felt Inspired and what that feeling motivated you to do? I don't mean can you feel it now, but any memory of Inspiration. For example, I have had an interest in sustainable living a long time. I coukdnt feel it anymore, but I remember wanting to do things to be sustainable. Though I could t feel it, I started to do things in that direction. I really didn't even care about it, but I had to do something. Over time, I have felt Inspired to continue what I started. When I was waiting to feel Inspired to do something, I didn't do anything. When I started doing things, my efforts helped me find inspiration. By reflecting on past dreams and Inspiration, It can remind us how to do it now. Might be worth trying anyway.

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by motye51, Feb 20, 2015
I had an extreme interest in music before I got sick (ALL at 12) and that seems to be where my life took a severe left turn to shitsville.  But it seems so long ago???  Where I was numb and going through the motions of what I assumed adult women did...get married, raise family, be on PTA boards, etc.... I only worked 3 days a week and it was in our family business so I had alot of leway.  I can remember thinking when I was younger, wow, everyone I know seems to be gifted in something, cooking, art, music, decorating, blah, least something they knew they did better than the average person, which is what I always took as our "natural gifts".  I just didn't seem to have any?
Went to meeting and spoke.  Was given some headway as to what was going on and my fear of actual confrontation.  Where while high I was extremely aggresive, not high, I have a fear of confronting things in my life that I'm going to have to do!  You know, why wouldn't I just pick up the phone, call my sponsor and just ask her, is something going on?  I'm almost 99% sure I'm making more out of this than really is.....this seems to be what my brain does????  The drugs might be gone but the addict is still here.  Now it's time to let N/A teach me how to be a responsible and creditable member of society!

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Feb 20, 2015
Music heh? One of my favorite forms of inspiration, as a matter of fact. "Natural gifts" come in many forms, like that feeling when watching your baby sleep or take their first step. You don't feel those things, until after the pain of child birth, one doesn't exist without the other. Pleasure and pain are all mixed together, no gain, no pain, and vise versa. I recently realized I had been waiting to feel better so I could do something, but needed to do something to feel better. I'm glad you are going to really work the 12 steps, everyone on earth should do them at least once and keep working the last couple. But, I am cheering for a u tube video of you expressing the music inside you, personally, inspiration is the whole goal of the 12 steps. Inspiration, to be driven by a spirit force from inside you, how much better than that is there?

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