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the test

Dec 15, 2009 - 10 comments

yesterday at work i believe i was tested of my customers had broken her arm over the weekend....she whips out a BIG bottle of percocets...proceeds to ask me if i knew anyone that wanted any.  i felt weak...shaky and a bit sick to my stomach.  she only wanted 2 dollars for a perk 5 which is real cheap where i come from....just a little extra Christmas money....she must have had over 100 pills....i answered no but i m sure you won t have any problems selling them that cheap....she moved around in the bar asking everyone....about an hour went by and another person says Maria come here.  he gives me a dollar tip all rolled up and says there s something inside for you.  i open it and theres a $#@$^& perk in there.  i told him i don t do them and handed it back...i felt so sick....he had no idea i was an addict and said he was sorry over and over....i told him ok..don t worry bout it...but it bummed the rest of the day out...came home and told my husband....he said you should have taken it for me...he has legit pain and can take them responsibly and only takes them when his pain is overwheming.  i told him i just don t want any in my hands free or not.....i don t crave much at all....only when i m very upset and that is very rare...i m a very mellow person.   i know he knows i m over it but it upset me.  today i feel after 17 months clean i realize i will still have challenges all the rest of my life.....never let your guard down...never... even for one single pill...God bless us and thank you for keeping me strong and well

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by dominosarah, Dec 15, 2009
You did good girl!!  Im proud of you for turning that down.  It is a miserable feeling and makes you weak in the knees i know but it also shows how determined you are to stay in your recovery.  Keep your Guard Up!!         sara

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by merrymaria, Dec 15, 2009
thanks sara...the guard is up in full force...double reinforced...maria :)

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by Mandapanda17, Dec 15, 2009
So happy you were able to say NO, good for you, that was truly a test. I know I am still weak, even though I feel like I'm strong. So easily it could go down the drain... so glad to be here on med help w/ support. :) Sorry you had to go through that though, but so happy you were able to stay strong! Go Maria! ♥

Avatar universal
by gizzy32, Dec 15, 2009
Ya know Maria, I liked this journal because it reminds us that no matter how much clean time we have, when an addict is put to these type of tests it is so tough regardless of where we are in recovery. The fact you have learned the tools to stay clean and holding yourself accountable on here and your determination is what helped you stay strong and I am proud of you for saying NO, that is strength and dedication. I can relate to those feelings, it's like something completely takes over our mind for a short time and our addiction starts to fight. Hell no says Maria though:) Congrats on those 17 months, you have come so far and an inspiration to all of us.

P.S. Bengals still suck, hehe.

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by merrymaria, Dec 15, 2009
manda...thank you...i m sure you are stronger than you think....i guess everything happens for a reason and i m glad that obstacle was met head on.... i just wish i hadn t got that upset but it s over now.
gizzy....thank you also....yes addiction is so strong that even for a split second our brains can go kaput....and you are matter how much clean time we are still vulnerable....yep the bengals suck...i had a feeling minn would crush them but bet on them

Avatar universal
by nickibear, Jan 09, 2010
Congratulations! Remember, there is no testimony without a test. I applaud you and am encouraged to continue with the struggle. Thank you for helping me by your story of success.

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by wanttobeclean, Jan 18, 2010
I'm inspired Maria!  But not suprised at either the sick feeling it gave you or your determination and ability to give it right back.  Lots of love to you, my friend.

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by leeisgettingclean, Jan 18, 2010
you did great. I know this kond of thing ***** when it happens, you did SO good. This shows you that you have grown.

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by fuzzypeach27, Jan 18, 2010
the test

I know its a pain in the arse some times. When your using no one else seems to be, cos you always check to see if any one has any. When you stop they lie freely on the coffee table or enjoyed by a friend with a coffee.

Well done honey, good work. Keep going  . . . .. .

Avatar universal
by push2rewind, Sep 27, 2010
How are you Today Neighbor? P2R

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