Dec 21, 2009
I don't really know why I'm writing this right now and I have no idea why I'm still awake. I guess I'm getting nervous about my appointment. I'm nervous about being let down...That's just like me..the glass is always half empty, never half full. It's not that way when it comes to my life or living, just with my health issues and finding out the answers to what the heck is going on. I guess I expect the worse (no answers) so I'm never disappointed. I guess this journey has taken it's toll on me in a negative sense.
I've gotten so many mixed messages through this whole process it's a wonder I can even comprehend anything by now. My GP says MS. My opthamologist says MS. I've had radiologists say early MS and a internist too, but not one neuro. It seems I lack in some of the evidence department. Sure, I have abnormal neuro exams, loads of symptoms that fit, all the mimics have been eliminated, but not one lesion that they want to consider as being MSish. I have 4-5 lesions..but they are non specific...they could have came from anything, they say. I don't even have one positive evoke potentials test, even though it's been a good 2 years since an SSEP and I probably should have another one. At this point I don't know what I have. I don't know what I believe..I just want a name..and medication..that's all.
I've read everything I could about autoimmune diseases and MS, just searching for something that might fit. I want to have a AH HA moment and solve the mystery, but nothing does. MS does seem to fit but even that is different in some ways. The only thing I have problems understanding is relapse and remitting and the classification of all of it.
When I first started out with symptoms 2 years ago, I felt like I went out of it..completely. I felt like myself again. Back to normal. I don't have that feeling anymore and I haven't had that feeling for a long time. I think it was the first 6 months of having symptoms...then they stayed for good. I don't feel like I truly go out. Yes, my symptoms feel worse at times, 10 times worse, and I'll pack on new ones that will come and go, and certain symptoms never leave. So what does that mean?
If my GP is correct, and I do have MS, then what classification would I fit under? If not MS then what? I guess I really shouldn't think about those things until I have to, but the thought is still in the back of my mind.