Dec 27, 2009
Christmas is over but I just realized I had one more gift to give. It's a gift to me from me.
As I read the previous entries I could feel the disbelief, anguish, pain, suffering and hatred. Oh, what a horrible journey into hell. I sit now, amid the rubble of my life and refleck back to the day I, the person I was, was murdered, in the name of medical advancement, on the operating table. There's nothing but a shell left. A pain filled shell. Granted, I have days where it's 3-4 on the scale. Almost painfree .. HA! It's been constant for so long that a 3-4 day is a relief.
I haven't felt the draw to the black pit of hell in a while. Resignation. I am resigned, finally, to the fact that I can't be fixed. I have been permanently disabled by the hand of a person in a position of trust. Persons. I trusted the person who guided my health care choices. I trusted people who developed "miracle" pills and internal devices that the person who guided my health care choices prescribed. I trusted the people in the FDA to keep me safe from "miracle" pills and implantable devices that my health care guides prescribed. Sad, to abuse such a trust.
My gift to me - while I wake each morning in pain, which escalates throughout the day, I do not have to keep my mind wrapped in it as well. This is the hand I have been dealt. A good poker player can bluff a win with nothing in his hand. I will become a good poker player - Acceptance.
Happy New Year ~ hopefully