For days. He came over Thursday, and left tonight. Saturday night. Haha. It was an interesting week. The house feels a little empty now. And yes, you caught me. It just occured to me this morning I didn't even visit this sight. I've played a lot of COD and Hall of Meat. Watched a lot of movies. I stayed home on New Years Eve- I was supposed to go to Shei's house for the night. But I couldn't go. I had that sick feeling in my stomach, and I didn't know what to do. Not becasue of being nervous or anything, and this hasn't happened in so long. It's an anxiety thing I used to get a lot when I was little. Probably a bit of seperation anxiety. But I couldn't leave Steve here with my brother and his girlfriend. I would be losing control. I wouldn't know. I would miss things. What if he was lonely? But I wanted to go to Shei's house. But I wanted to stay with Steve. But I was gonna sleep over Shei's house. But I usually sleep over her house. Steve has never been allowed to sleep over before- I'm not gonna leave him the one night he's here. Well three nights, but still. Everything matters. Leaving would be giving up. I would be losing control and I just don't know.
I keep feeling like I'm wasting my time. And that's the worst thing- the worst feeling. That I could be using this time, and I'm going to miss this. I'm gonna miss it all and I probably won't even remember that because it wasn't significant. I need to remember and I need to be better. Plus this year was so different from last new year. So very different. I made cup cakes.
Also I got my hair cut. It's all one length now- no strange duck tail in the back or anything. It's a messy bob, but I look a lot neater.
I realized reading about ferrets makes me scared, because they reiterate so much how ferrets rarely live past 7 or so and blah blah blah. My ferrets are old. But the aren't OLD. But maybe I'm missing some obvious sign! I feel like they're so amazing, nothing could ever stop them in their tracks. Nothing will stop my boys like that. And my doggie. She's still my puppy. She's my Autumn, and she's beautiful and I worry she's sick or something we don't know. There's so much we can miss, no matter how closely we're looking. I just want everyone to be ok.
The snow, it's icy and whenever I'm in the car I find myself gripping the seat, not breathing, just terrified. Telling everyone to slow down. I feel like I don't let out my air till every one of my family members walks into house. And don't get me started on my brother driving around without me knowing. As creepy as it sounds when I say it like that. Just that they made it- that they're being careful. My grandparents? God knows what their driving is like.
Oh yeah and I'm covered in a very itchy rash. When I say covered, I mean covered. It goes from my wrists all the way to my shoulders, on the undersides of my arms. It's down the left cheek of my face. It's in a very distinct line across my back- right along where my pants are. It's spread halfway up my back though. Red, itchy bumps. It looks infectious and I'm embarassed. I scratch like a dog. I just want it to be done. I'm trying to think o fand google anything and everything. I avoid change like the plague- but I don't think it's change. I'm trying to investigate fleece. I've been cold and put an extra piece of fabric on my bed- fleece. So soft and fluffy. And I got a snuggie, but I'm sure if my snuggie was trying to kill me I would be dead by now. Then again... I have no clue. I have another piece of fleece on my bed, we washed it. And it looks washed now. It looks used, you know? I don't want to wash anything else till I know I need to. But it's not like it could be "fleece" it would probably be polyester. And wouldn't that just be inconvenient. All I can find online is things about fleece baby diaper rashes. And nothing I've seen looks like my rash. They aren't big enough to be hives- but they're larger than they used to be. And as I scratch, they're all scabbed over.
Today I just needed to get out of the house. It's been snowing for days. My family hates each other. I'm rotting here. And I'm stuck. I couldn't go to Steve's because he was here. I can't drive away because I already tried that and now I have no car. I can't go outside because the world is frozen and windy. I'm trapped and they just hate each other. We went out with my mom. I was scared, in the snow. We went to a dollor store and got candy and I got an Orca. He's cute. And gum, we got gum. We played at the guitar store I was tired and the whole place makes me nervous. I can't pace and I stick out I feel like. I took my bra off becasue the rash is also mildy up my stomach and it hurt. We were going to the movies to see Avatar. It was sold out. Now who would have guessed that would happen on a Saturday night in the middle of a snow storm? Not me it would seem. I was practically heartbroken. We ate pizza. I finally saw Borat. I ate yogurt and I'll regret that tomarrow.
Especially since we're supposed to go snowboarding. I'm sure it won't happen. But it would be super awesome if we did go. I really want to go. I hope I have snowpants and everything. I'm afraid to check and see that I don't.
I decided if I ever get a female ferret I'll call her Phoebe. That's nice, right?