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Jan 04, 2010 - 2 comments
I read another's journal that posed the question about pondering suicide, the intimate details of suicide and whether that was akin to being suicidal. I will admit to one suicide attempt, arguably 2.
I actively daydream about my own death generally, and by my own hand specifically. I sometimes think of suicide as the emergency exit road that you see of the side of highways that the large trucks can take if they are losing control.
I have visioned my self lying on my bed (with the Battenburg linens & lace gown). On the nightstand is a 3/4 empty bottle of Drambuie, a crystal ice bucket, an full ashtray and an assortment of pill bottles. There is a note that states simply "I'm sorry that I didn't do this for you sooner"
The problem of course with the first scenario is that children might find me and I would want that so
Scenario II
(which is ironic because before when I was not medicated I would jump on planes an go somewhere on a whim)
Anyway, I dream of throwing together a carryon suitcase etc, passport and flying off to the Caribean. Any where in the Caribean where the sand is white and warm and the beach stretch out with no people. I've got good tunes playing in my ears and I take the pills and get on a belly float and start floating out as far as I can go. I float at the time of day when the sun starts to set so no one notices as I continue out into the oceon. The pills are starting to make me sleepy and and I drift...off the belly float into the warm water.
But instead of us hurting ourselves in these grandiouse ways,we chose instead to take smaller tiny punches or pins at our self. Is that a slower form of death?
I actively daydream about my own death generally, and by my own hand specifically. I sometimes think of suicide as the emergency exit road that you see of the side of highways that the large trucks can take if they are losing control.
I have visioned my self lying on my bed (with the Battenburg linens & lace gown). On the nightstand is a 3/4 empty bottle of Drambuie, a crystal ice bucket, an full ashtray and an assortment of pill bottles. There is a note that states simply "I'm sorry that I didn't do this for you sooner"
The problem of course with the first scenario is that children might find me and I would want that so
Scenario II
(which is ironic because before when I was not medicated I would jump on planes an go somewhere on a whim)
Anyway, I dream of throwing together a carryon suitcase etc, passport and flying off to the Caribean. Any where in the Caribean where the sand is white and warm and the beach stretch out with no people. I've got good tunes playing in my ears and I take the pills and get on a belly float and start floating out as far as I can go. I float at the time of day when the sun starts to set so no one notices as I continue out into the oceon. The pills are starting to make me sleepy and and I drift...off the belly float into the warm water.
But instead of us hurting ourselves in these grandiouse ways,we chose instead to take smaller tiny punches or pins at our self. Is that a slower form of death?
You sound like a hopeless romantic! We are very glad yours are just a fantasy. In reality suicide is a very ugly, final solution to a temporary problem. I do however feel very sympathetic to those that have mental issues and just cannot endure the relentless black depression that can't be helped. I had a friend back in the eighties who was bi-polar and addicted to methadone. She wanted to get off of that stuff so badly that she was weaning herself off of it way too fast and she ended up going into her garage and turning on the engine in her car. Her mother found her in the morning. Its the pain they leave the living in that's the horrible part, her mom never got over that, niether did I for that matter, always wondering what I could have done to help her and coming up short of any real answer. For some, hell is right here on earth. aheart
Their are alot of people that think suicide is the answer. What if your kids found you ? You just baled on them and took the easy way out and they grow up hurt for the rest of their lives. Do you want to do that ? Think about the damage you will do to the loved one's around you and stop thinking of just yourself. How many times have you been to a doctor and they ask you if your mom or dad is still living and if they are not how did they die ? Do you want your children and their children to answer that question. I didn't really know my mom or grandmom, she killed herself. Suicide may make you forget about your problems but how many did you leave behind with the people at your funeral ? She was a quitter, didn't fight and struggle to make it work. If you believe their is a God you would have committed a mortal sin and those don't just get wiped off the slate clean when life is over. Suicide is ch a selfish act of the one and damages the ones left behind. My uncle watched from sitting on a couch when he was a young child his father put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. My uncle retired from being a riverboat captain about 2 years ago and didn't know what to do with his life. He picked up a 357 magnum, put it to his temple and pulled the trigger. I think he may have found his dad by now, probably by now and they are catching up about the old days,while sitting on a small bench in hell. His mother has cried everyday since his death wondering where she went wrong. What could she have done to change what happend. Blameing herself for a cowards way out of their problems and she can't find the answer. Maybe it's right, father is like son.
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