Jan 04, 2010
The night made the day seem like 2 or 3. The night was the worst part of the day. The night was when it was silent and all my demons came out to play. They shouted obscene words and made me remember the harms I had done throughout my life. I prayed for acceptance of where I am, but acceptance came at a price, for it was not (is not) in my time that I get it.
I do not know who I pray to, but i know that It, He, She, loves me. I know that He, whom I call God, doesn't want me to tear apart the body I was given so freely. But I do it, time and time again.
Brain beginning to sizzle again. I had an hour break, but it is returning. Took all my supplements, and still do not have a desire to use.
I did want to take xanax last night so I could "shut them up", but I figured they were sent for a reason- and I battled them with what little bit is left of my resolve. I won that battle. I know there are many more battles, but how will I always have this resolve?
I wont. I have to change the behaviours that are causing me to fall into this trap over and over again. I have to CHANGE. And to change means I have to learn new ways to cope. I have to find my way, with God and other addicts, and maintain a healthy relationship with Sam.
Sam...he has been so good to me and at the same time, understands none of this. He can't wrap his mind around what i am going thru, and I have asked that he not ask at this time. Will he ever understand that I can't function like him?
None of my business I guess. He has chosen me to spend his life with, so I must trust that it is pure. Trust- ha ha!
I have never trusted a soul because I have never been trustworthy. That will be the first one I battle- respectfully, after this one tiny battle of detox.
trustworthy. I wonder what it tastes like, feels like, sounds like. the only taste I have is this gooey cotton mouth, the only feelings I have are the shocks in my brain and arms, the only sounds I have are my demons.
So for now I can't really change anything, but I can keep my eye on the prize.