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Unmoving Black Cloud

Apr 10, 2015 - 12 comments

I honestly don't know where to start.  I know I've said it before in a journal awhile back but I still cannot get over Hannah. It'll be 6 months on the 14th of this month.  I cry so much for my Boogie.  My heart feels so broken with such bad news, every time I turn around it's something else.  We found out yesterday that Brian's brother (who was diagnosed in Oct. 2014 with stage 4 lung cancer) now has cancer in his stomach and colon.  It's spreading and he's to weak to continue chemo.  He hasn't ate anything in a week and a half and they have him on nutrition bags.  I told Brian it's all up to him now.  I just don't see him coming back from this. :(  

My dad had to have his yearly checkup for his CDL license and that's when they found that he had elevated PSA levels.  Sent to the urologists and they did repeat blood work and his levels were okay, back to the urologists later for X-rays (since he has so many kidney stones all the time) and his levels went from 4.2 to 4.6.  The Dr. said it could be from infection and they could put him on antibiotics for a month and recheck but with it going up like that in a months time they want to go straight for biopsy.  He takes an aspirin a day and they want him off the aspirin for 2 weeks before they do the biopsy.  I am so stressed it's not even funny.  My daddy is a very hard working man.  He's hardworking, strong and stubborn.  I pray with everything in me it's something like infection or I've even read about prostatitis.  I can't quit dwelling on this.  Everything bad ALWAYS happens, how can I find the positive in this??  I cannot deal with that kind of news right now.  SO much going on and everything is spinning out of control.  :(

Anyone know anything about prostrate cancer?

And today I read a stupid thing that gives you a predicted percentage of if IVF will work for you.  Here are my results. Information Summary Woman's age: 36
Trying for: 8 + years
Own or donor eggs? Own eggs
Cause: Low sperm count
IVF attempts: First
Unsuccessful IVF attempts: Zero Pregnancy
history: Please Choose No IVF, no pregnancy
Medication: Gonadotrophin
Will ICSI be used? Yes

Your chance of a live birth per IVF attempt is: 27.5%

It's so disheartening.  1.) I cannot afford to do this twice.  I don't even know if I can afford it 1 time. 2.) Talk about a low percentage!!  I can't believe it didn't give me the option of donor sperm.  I know it's just probably a silly online predictor but still.  

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by KTowne, Apr 10, 2015
Ohh Des, life hits you so hard!!! There has got to be good coming your way! Have you ever talked to anyone about all you've been through? That is a LOT for anyone to tell with, even just one of those things. I know nothing about prostate cancer but I'm praying for good results for your dad!! And that online calculator is crap! Don't let that get you down, 9 little questions can't determine how well it will work for you, you'll have success!! Thinking of you!!

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by krichar, Apr 10, 2015
1st off my friend... We have talked about all of this and you need to take your time to grieve Boogie... He was your baby and there is NO time limit on it. He will forever be in your heart and thoughts, it will get easier in time.

As for all the family news... It's really crappy is just one thing after another. And I'm so sorry for you :( this has just got to be adding to the stress. As hard as it is with your BIL, he will only hang on as long as he can and take comfort in knowing his pain will be over soon. That C word is an awful horrible word :( im so sad for anyone who's life it has cursed :(

I'm sure your Dad is ok, like someone said on your status, if they were worried they wouldn't let him wait that long. A month is a big deal with these things son hey wouldn't mess around. I will keep him in my prayers for you :)

NOW... STOP READING STATISTICS!!! They are just an FYI or a guideline... My chances with IVF were about 15% and naturally were 0.1%... Where there is a will there is a way... I read an article today I had posted a few years ago and it made me think of you, I was gonna repost but didnt... I will message you the link. Where hope lives so does possibility, so many of us on here are living proof. I believe you will have your baby, I believe this with my whole heart and as soon as I am in the clear a good luck charm IS com go your way :)

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by pb95, Apr 10, 2015
I always remember the statistic from my D&C because i thoroughly read the paperwork before I signed.  I had a 1 in 1047 chance of complication for the procedure.  I was that 1.  My point not being to be a downer, just that you never know where you will land.  You could be in that  27%!  
I agree you have had too much loss lately.  I wish I had wise words but I will say I'm glad you are continuing to share with us and hope we can keep being the shoulders you need here.  Write and tell me about your garden if you have time and need some distraction!  I just got a bunch of small mouth jars and hope I can do some canning this year!  When I mean a bunch, that is about 40, nothing compared to what you do!  Hugs to you.

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by Des_a_rae, Apr 10, 2015
Thank you so much KTowne.  I have not talked to anyone, yet.  I keep debating should I or shouldn't I.  I know I could definitely benefit from it.  I don't know why I haven't yet.  

Thank you so much also Kellie.  I know in time things with Boogie will get easier but it feels like it was just yesterday still.  I can't get the visual out of my head of us holding him while the vet came to our house and injected him with the euthanasia.  Seeing him fall in our hands while trying to hold on to him.  Knowing WE made the decision that stopped his precious heart from beating.  I just can't stop picturing that.  I know with Brian's brother we're just on borrowed time. I told Brian we don't know how he's hurting, how he feels if he tries to eat because he said it hurts his stomach so much if he eats.  It's so heartbreaking to watch, but I don't expect him to be so strong forever.  People can only take so much.  I hate knowing there's nothing we can do but sit by and wait/watch.   I really hope this with my dad turns out okay.  I've read a lot about it and I'm thankful they didn't "feel" anything that threw up any flags while he was having his physical.  Just the blood levels and praying everything is okay.   I promise I will stop reading statistics LOL.  I know I shouldn't have but I did and I don't know why.  I'm SO thankful to see that your % was 15, how amazing!!!   Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful article.  It made me cry but in a good way.  I'm SO thankful for all of my friends and family who have their own little family.  I truly am.  Jealous, definitely but why shouldn't I be?  I of course want my own but that doesn't make me not want you all to have yours.  I love nothing more than seeing these little miracles grow and I can't help but be so excited about my cousins twins due soon.  Baby shower tomorrow.  :D  Thank you so much for everything!

PB you're so sweet.  Thank you!!  I'm so thankful you were the 1%.  Thank god for no complication. Yes the garden is being planted, slowly but surely.  

I am beyond grateful for this website.  SO thankful for all the friends I've made because I honestly don't know where I'd be without you all.  You all are definitely my dependable crutch, my shoulder to cry on and I can't thank you all enough.  

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Apr 10, 2015
I'm just going to put the short version here and write when everyone is sleeping here (we are all sick)

There are several reasons PSA's can be elevated or sky high. Antibiotics, having a TRUS biopsy are necessary and I hope & pray they come back C free. It is so scary with having to WAIT. I feel for you while we are still waiting for M's results from Children's Hospital. Waiting makes everyone so sick and stressed.

We have been dealing with C big time here too. The three people who had surgery last year without remission have been waiting to have surgery AGAIN!!! This person's dad passed from the same aggressive brain C so he pretty much knows things aren't good for him. At the least they expect him to loose vision in one of his eyes.

Another person we found out about last night (#4) his sister is angry because dad won't seek treatment with stage 4 C. Yeah, she's ANGRY because of his decision not to treat!!  I will spare details on the other 2 people.

And of course you know what it took to get M. There are so many Reproductive quacks out there that seem to take advantage of our inability to produce like wild rabbits..... it's insane!!! Don't get me started!!

I'm only sharing this so you don't feel alone in how you are or might be feeling.  It feels even worse to have all these things happen simultaneously like they are for you. Each day we wake up, get thru the day ( tears and all) and pray before you go to sleep is a win in my book. I know you well enough to know you are always doing some good and constantly thank of and put others before you. Please don't forget to think of you!!

I know this may not be for you or anyone else but this is something I've been trying to do:
I wake up knowing I'm loved by my family, tell the people I love how much I love them as many times a day as I can, try to take care of something on my 'list' that causes me emotional or physical pain and remind myself how d*mn lucky I am.  
Sometimes grief, loss, and other heart crushing emotions take over your mindset unintentionally.

I also want to say that I'm right there with you with the grief your feeling for Boogie. I honestly don't know if or when it gets better. Ever since he left neither J or I change the calendar when it's his birthday. One of the reasons I had the red stripped and bleached out of my hair was because we always felt it was his color.

I am so sorry that you have been feeling so bad. I wish I had the answers or that I could at least be there for you. I am glad you are letting it out, I wish I were able to do that more. We love you Des!! I hope things start easing up on you.  

PS didn't mean or want to steal your journal.
Love & hugs to you all!

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Apr 10, 2015
So after all that I guess I was trying to say to make sure the people you love know this, do what you can to help friends and family in need without forgetting to take care of yourself.  Sometimes it's difficult to see the good and beauty when we are surrounded with things such as yours.
Love you!

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by pb95, Apr 10, 2015
I actually was the complication, but I made it out with a blood transfusion, minor surgery and few days in intensive care.  Just shows though that you can't worry about the statistics because no matter how stacked they are, you never really know what side you will end up on.  I truly think that it will work for you!!

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by Des_a_rae, Apr 11, 2015
Thank you so much E!  Ugh it's such a roller coaster.  I cannot believe you both are still having to wait on sweet M's results.  What the heII is wrong with people?  The wait is the absolute worst.  I hate hearing how much C you all have going on also.  You know, it used to be "oh I know so and so, their blah blah blah has been diagnosed with C" and now it's 2 people in my family and possibly someone else.  I'd NEVER wish that on anyone but when it hits your own home..ugh.  It's even more heartbreaking!

I am so thankful to have such support here.  This is the ONLY place I let my true feelings out.  I don't want to bother my family with them as we all have our own problems and I also know that here is the only place that anyone would possibly understand my yearning for a child. I pray each and every night asking for God to give me the strength to get through these things, the courage to face them and I thank him daily for blessing me with all of my wonderful blessings.  I am very blessed.  I have a wonderful husband, my mama, daddy brother and sister.  My family and friends, My Furbabies!!  I have food, water, a home.  My husband has a job.  I can see, smell, feel and hear.  I have SO many things to be thankful for and yet most of the time I let myself dwell on fear and doubt.  Like you E, I'm trying some new things and I hope that helps.  I hope it's helping you as well!!!  Love you all too!!

Oh PB I'm so sorry.  I don't know why I read that wrong.  My goodness, I hate to hear that it went that way.  Thank GOD everything turned out okay though.

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by Shannon79, Apr 11, 2015
I missed this...

I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said.

I'm sorry you're going through so much Des. I hope the load lightens up for you soon. That's way more then 1 person should have to deal with.

You're a beautiful person inside and out, and you deserve the best life has to offer. You will get that miracle soon!

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by Des_a_rae, Apr 12, 2015
Thank you so much Shannon.  So do I.  It's a trapped and unable to breathe feeling. :S  

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by mhv, Apr 12, 2015

You know I am always here to talk.  You have ad some pretty crappy things happening lately.  I think of you often, and pray brighter days are ahead!

(((hugs))) my dear dear friend!

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by Des_a_rae, Apr 13, 2015
Mel, Thank you so much.  It hasn't been fun, nor has it let up unfortunately.  It's so hard waiting out these days leading up to my dads biopsy .  It feels like wasted time and all the "what if's".  Seems like 2 weeks is such a long amount of time to put off a biopsy but they want him to be off the aspirin for that amount of time before they do it.  Then having to wait at least a week for results.  I'm mentally drained already!!   UGH it's dragging by.  

I think of you often as well.  Love seeing your updates.  Even though I don't leave a note or message it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.  I'm so thankful your surgeries are over and you're doing SO good!  I pray it stays that way!!  Sending you hugs also.  

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