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I don't know why

Jan 06, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

forgetting

,

peanut butter jelly poppers

,

Snowboarding

,

snow season

,

Anxiety

,

nausea

,

carrots

,

chef's knife

,

history essay

,

bruised butt

,

sex drive

,

Depression

,

emotions

,

YAP

,

shei

,

kiss

,

logic puzzles

,

sharing things

,

information

,

steve

,

Love

,

beautiful

,

hideous beast

,

participation



But it would seem I've been forgetting a lot about this recently. Maybe that says something about me. Maybe not.
Anyways, I made poppers and went snowboarding and it was AWESOME. I love it. I always forget and I get all anxious.

Today I was nauseas. I cut carrots and knicked my hand but not a big deal- it wasn't a bad day.
I took my blood pressure and studied Gingervitis. I got a good grade on my essay and I was surprised. I tried  to pay attention, I did. I was tired but not tired? I could have slept more this morning, but I made it fine. I bruised my butt snowboarding. It's funny. I ujst ache a little. I did good, you know?

Idk maybe I was just horny today. I felt like I used to. My sex drive just died in the last few months. It just died. Died and I buried it and sex makes me so anxious but today I had no worries. I just didn't. I don't know what was different. Maybe I'm gonna get happy again. I'm sick and tired of this depression. And not being able to pin point for myself that I'm even depressed until someone points in out for me and it's like Oh Doi. I couldn't tell you even how I feel- I can't just say "happy" or "sad". That wouldn't be nearly complicated enough.

I went to YAP and stuff. It was fun and shei kissed me. I didn't like the activities today, really. Maybe I was just not into working. I didn't want to identify people I could rely on and then share it with everyone. I didn't want to share. Those are things I know- why should I tell everyone? It's just me, they're important to me,  they care about ME, and to say that? To rehash it somewhere people could judge it and destroy it? No one else thinks that's heartbreaking? I was a little out of synch after that, but not terribly. We did a logic puzzle. And I just wanted to do it on my own. But Tom knew it, and all the power to him. I just felt like I couldn't get a word in and I was so nervous that when I did it ended up wrong. I didn't want to get in trouble for not participating. I was trying to keep a smile on my face but I was falling out. I think I did ok. It was fine. I felt too quiet. I feel like everyone sees when I go from loud to quiet and back again. We drove shei home and I went to steve's for some ridiculously fun funtime. Again, I will not rehash it. I leave so confident about life- I feel good about myself. All day I'm just walking around and I hate it, but all I can feel is that I'm a hideous beast. I can feel my ugly face burning other people. And I get there and he makes me feel beautiful. And that's not something anyone should want to lose. I wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world.
I wouldn't change a thing about him, anything that would make him not him. Nothing.



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