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I am stronger

Apr 16, 2015 - 3 comments

Thats the scary thing... that even those who appear confident and smiling, sometimes aren't. The self-doubt could be eating away at them, and you wouldn't even know, because its just an act. I do admire those people... to think that they are strong enough to give things a go despite the voice in there head telling them they arent capable. So if I have to fake it till I make it, then okay... But you know it takes alot of courage to put a smile on your face when your mind is consumed with doubt. But if thats what I have to do, then thats what I am going to do. I will fake it, and im not sure whether I will make it yet, but hopefully that'll come in due time.
It is going to be okay.I am going to be fine. People are going to see how much I have changed and I hope they are going to be proud of me. I am going to be better, smarter... I just have to give it everything I've got.  I refuse to sink. I can't keep going like this. I will NOT feel sorry for myself and dig myself into an even deeper hole. I have to do well in school, I have to improve.  For me, and for my teachers who probably think I dont give a crap about my education at the moment. I will prove them wrong.

Motivation isn't something that is going to make its way to me. I have to make my way to it. I am sick of being this stupid and lazy person who I promised myself I would never become. I am going to change. I have this image of the type of year 11 or 12 student I have always wanted to be in my head, its been there for years, and I have never been able to live up to it. Thats going to change. I want to feel like I belong in year 11. I want to be able to sit in a class and not feel stupid and compare myself to others.

This term is going to be better than last term. I will smile through the negativity, as if confidence is something that comes naturally. Its going to be tough. I will try hard and overcome the thoughts in my head telling me I cant do something. The doubt consumes me and is often strong... but I am stronger.

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3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 17, 2015
Confidence is a result of an action taken (not talk).

We've talked a few times about Cause and Effect Marcy.

Remember you slipped and did not question or try to get out of ( laziness or over thinking) taking that bike ride with your Uncle. You did as you were told and you felt pride as a result of an action taken.

If you STOP YOURSELF from over thinking , making excuses as to why you won't do something,accepting that it's okay to be too lazy to ATTEMPT to do what you KNOW that you should be doing. You won't have to repeat these words again.

Look at everything as you did when you went on that bike ride and had a good time trusting yourself.

I really don't understand why you can't start a project ?  like starting your homework early and taking advice that you've been given.

Can you spell it out for me again ? Why is it that you cannot take advice from people like teachers and do your homework ?

4059843 tn?1541422896
by mishymoshymarcy, Apr 18, 2015
I'm not 100% sure why I can't put advice into action. Change isnt easy. I feel like before I had to get my head in the right place, and i was consumed with anxiety stopping me from doing alot of things. But now since im not in that place anymore, its just acting on it thats difficult. This past term it felt like everything was everywhere, all the information and different subjects, I couldn't organise them in my head. It confused me a great deal. It sounds stupid i know, but there is information after information given to us almost everyday, and its hard to keep up. With my organisational skills, its put me behind alot.  I guess for a while I tried to avoid homework because I was just overwhelmed with all the information. And also because i was scared that i was going to go back to my old study habits (that I know didn't work for me at all). And it was a good in the sense that it gave me a chance to take care of myself and thats how i found the gym.
But i also knew it was a huge risk trying to balance the gym and taking care of myself, with school. You see, thats what I am working on now. Im not giving up the gym though, no matter how important school may be. Because its the only thing that is keeping me from driving myself crazy. It makes me finally feel proud of myself, and i havent yet been able to feel that with school. Honestly Liz, I NEED the gym. Two or 3 days without going to the gym, and i start to become lazy.
I want to be doing so many things, and i have taken the first step by working out most days. And i hope, with time, as my organisation improves and as I start to try new things, I'll start to open up almost endless opportunities for myself and my future. I'll be able to get a grip on school work, be able to excerise and be able to possibly do small things within the community. I want BALANCE. Thats all i need to improve in. If i found balance and could trust myself with being organised, then I wouldn't be so negative alot of the time. I would be so happy.

4059843 tn?1541422896
by mishymoshymarcy, Apr 18, 2015
Oh and on gym days i can't exactly start my homework early. I'll get home from the gym at around 6, have to have a shower and everything, and then i try to start my work. But i guess i waste alot of time doubting myself after that, that before i know it its like 9:30pm, and i still havent started my work. So sometimes ill do around 30min of work, not to mention not focusing completely, but i do a little bit... then i go to bed at 10:30-11pm. I do feel guilty for not doing as much work as i should, but i go to bed anyway. So there are things that have changed. And people were telling me that I need to get more sleep, and I am generally getting a max of 7 or 8 hours a night. I know its the organisation i have to work on now. But the exercise and sleep is definitely better. Thats a positive isn't it?

I guess with the organisation, its that I'm still overloading myself with homework i have to do in my head. Like for example, this weekend i told myself i was going to organise my excercise book for history (meaning actually START writing in a book for history.) I have to gather all my notes and sheets and information we have been given from the textbook and all, and put it in a book.
Then, i have to do the same for Health, P.E, and Psychology. Basically im expecting myself to be caught up on absolutely EVERYTHING by Monday. And its Saturday today. I was invited to a birthday party sleepover today, but I told my friend i couldn't go as I "promised" myself I was going to be doing homework all weekend. Went to the gym in the morning, stopped by the shops with mum after that, got home around 3:30pm, had a snack to eat and watched an episode of a show called 'The doctors' , and now im sitting on my bed and its 6pm. After this I finish this, I am going to start my work, and hopefully work write through til 10pm maybe... Then tomorrow will have to be the same. I guess i know that I wont finish everything i want to finish in only a weekend, but I will try to do as much as i can.

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