Jun 30, 2008
Be forewarned of the ramblings ...
I'd love to say my mind is clearing but instead it feel like a FOG descended on me today and I am not sure why that happens. Maybe (hopefully) it is the Tramadol leaving my system.
One thing I do love is the lack of suicidal thoughts. Never give antidepressants to a patient (like me) who has nothing but anxiety. I knew that. I know that. What I didn't know was that Tramadol had an antidepressant in it. I also didn't know it was a faux-opiate. I know now and I read things like; "It was easier for me to detox off of cocaine and booze" than it was off of Tramadol. And all kinds of other stories of the horrors of this drug.
This drug. This drug that my Good Doctor told me was safe. A lesson. A lesson with withdrawals, trembling, shaking, vomiting up vitamins, having no sense of time (has it been 11 days or 11 years?)
Going to War is the way out. I know this in my heart. I feel my heart again. Isn't it funny that I didn't even notice it had drifted away from me? The last of the poison.
There's the stories of Kings who would ingest small amounts of poison in case they ever received a lethal dose. Politics and Power and Drugs and Poison have been around for Centuries. So has War.
My husband is getting ready to go and teach a class right now. I'm getting more and more anxious as he is getting ready to leave. A couple days ago he left and I was listening to my iPod (seriously if you can; make yourself a play list on an iPod ....) and I didn't hear him say where he was going. It completely freaked me out to the point of an honest to God panic attack. He was only gone 30-45 minutes and he didn't take his cell phone and I swear I was near a heart attack. What kind of crazy is that!? It's called; Drug withdrawal!
That's not me. I'm not that person. I mean, I grew up literally in the middle of the desert, High up in New Mexico Mesas. I spent my entire childhood in a state of glorious rambling aloneness. I was never lonely because I have always known who I was. I was born knowing who I was and so; I liked being me. I liked being alone.
This is how I separate the drug from the real me. The effects of withdrawal and the effects it had on my body from who I really am. Old memories are flooding in.
Today I know I'd like to go to the store to buy some beady and some more water and some supplies. But the energy isn't there. I've been outside three times in 11 days. That's what a "safe" drug for chronic pain will do to you.
I mentioned it before, but I want to mention it again. Tramadol was declared a NARCOTIC in May of this years by Sweden. Go SWEDEN! It's kind of interesting how your mind can go from; "I want to die." To "When will this withdrawal end?" To;" Why is this drug being Sold to Innocent People?"
I really am freakishly strong for a woman. With No Insurance and no one to really support me I can't go into some rehab. I don't think I would want to anyhow. I don't want another drug to get off this drug. I want freedom. I want my brain back. Preferably without the massive headache.
What I was looking for when I arrived here was; what is the most painless way to get OUT of this mess?
Just accept that it's going to be painful. Don't resist. There's this thing we do in Bikrams yoga. It's a form of breathing. Try it. You breathe IN to the count of say 5. Then you breathe out to the count of ten. Repeat. You will feel your heart rate drop. You will feel your central nervous system being forced to calm itself. All I can say is if God has a plan; this whole thing was part of his plan.
Without my yoga training. Without my determination NOT to be a chronic pain patient; I wouldn't still be here learning as fast as I am. Good thing about time slowing down? There's ALOT more you can learn about yourself. If I hadn't had all that yogic training I think I'd be in some crazy uninsured "we'll accidentally KILL you if we can" hospital rehabs ...
LOL! EXCEPT they wouldn't actually LET ME IN because see; Tramadol isn't supposed to be an OPIATE! Ahhhhhhahahahahahaaa! It's kinda funny. In a dark demented way.
There's nothing wrong with pain. The resistance of it only makes it increase. Feel the pain. Let it tell you its secrets. Let it instruct you. Pain hides nothing. Pain is not a liar. The resistance of pain IS a Liar. So you breathe and accept that withdrawal takes as long as it takes.
The Tramadol it's here in my house and I could give a rat's patootie. It seriously became like little capsules of rat poison to me. A build up for the big day when these idiot doctors would actually kill me. You have to ask yourself; how culpable are they? I was the one swallowing the "perfectly safe pills!"
What made me stop? To be honest. It was my friendship with a couple who was truly in Love. One of those Soul Mate kinds of situations. I knew him well, and I didn't know her as well. She was 31, incredibly beautiful, and she has a job working for the studios. She was, beautiful, kind, but dark. Troubled. Something resistant. Of course hindsight is always 20-20.
A month ago at the end of the Cannes Film Festival she jumped out a Window and killed herself. 31. Left a note. I talked to her boyfriend and he cried and screamed like I have never heard anyone cry. It effected me in a visceral way. It was that day that all of our cars broke down at once. Then other obstacles appeared. I remember looking into the drawer that all the PILLS were in. And I thought .... quietly and in a deep calm inner voice, "It's Poison."
I can't help but visualize this Girl jumping out this window. By then I had had suicidal ideology for years. 3-4 years. The same amount of time I have been taking Tramadol.
So I let it all run out. A fast taper. And then cold turkey. I can see little bits of myself. I read somewhere in here yesterday that a man felt his personality coming back, and he didn't even know he'd lost it. That's how it feels. Like I am being reborn. Not in a spiritual way, though there is indeed aspects of that. I feel the PAIN of a birth. My eyes sensitive to light. Sounds are too loud. Things frighten me that never did. I cry easily. Where there was numbness now there is pain.
I consider it an improvement.
How long will your withdrawal last? The real answer? As long as it needs to and not a second longer. Are you awake? Does this life and this pain have your attention now? Because my feeling is that THIS is what I am supposed to go thru. This is how it is supposed to feel. It's this; or choosing to jump to your death.
The day of this girls Memorial. I was sick from cold turkey detox. Day 2. I couldn't even get off the bed. Sweat covered me. I couldn't even call to explain. Her death has saved me. I am not saying that she was supposed to die, or supporting her decision. I am saying that each life echoes. It moves and vibrates and sends out signals to every being your have touched in any way. And to lose such a beautiful Love, was to me, the ultimate tragedy. And what it triggered was of course the tragedy in me. Which was simply; I need to stop taking all these drugs that these people are telling me are helping me. Because I know, somewhere in the deepest most primitive part of my brain, I know it is a lie. I know I am being poisoned.
I'd rather have my whole body ache and feel like I have a migraine than have to think, "I wish I were dead." Stupid Tramadol!
Everything has meaning. Everyone matters. Every single being effects everyone else. What I am going to do is relax my body into the pain of withdrawal. Accept it. Learn it. It owes me MANY gifts and intend to take all of these gifts and use them.
Nietzsche who was so hated by the Uber Religious Folk of his day said, "What does not kill you, makes you stronger." This is only the beginning. Withdrawal will not kill me. Withdrawal will not kill you.
This is only a start. Already I know things that I did not know 11 days ago. I can only imagine how strong I will be. I'll probably go around lifting cars off of entrapped people just for fun. Surely Cal Trans could use me right?
I'm done rambling. One day soon I will blink and pain will not shoot thru my head friends. that will be a good day.
Love and healing to all,