All Journal Entries Journals

I'm Back

Jan 18, 2010 - 3 comments

Have been MIA for a couple months here...mainly because I felt like a hippocrite.  I was taking about being clean and sober, and about being committed to ending my alcohol use, when deep down I wasn't.  I was still really unsure the answers to the big questions:
:
Am I REALLY an alcoholic?
Do I REALLY  need to quit?
Can I REALLY  do it?

After stumbling several times last fall over the answers to those questions, I left this forum.  Not officially, but defnitely in my mind.  I felt guilty for being here when I hadn't truly committed to getting and staying sober.  I felt like an idiot posting "I'm doing it...stopping drinking for good!" one day, and posting that I gave in and drank just that next day.  I promised myself (right or wrong) that I would not come back here to this forum without a deep down committment.

So, yes, I REALLY am an alcoholic and yes, I REALLY need to quit and yes, I REALLY can do it.  My last drink was New Years Day.  

Couple things different this time....told my husband (who still drinks) that I was really serious this time and that if he does anything to try to sabotage my efforts, I will get up and leave (hardest thing I have ever said).  While I have said similar things to him in the past, they were during heated discussions.  This was during a time where I asked him to sit and talk with me.  We were both quiet and calm.  And that sentence was preceded with how much I love him, but..

Really starting my way through the twelve steps. While I haven't actually been to a meeting yet, I have the Big Book, and  "The Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps" that I am reading. I also have the location of a twelve step meeting that sounds right for me plugged into my GPS.  It meets on Wednesdays, and I am going to go day after tomorrow.  While this forum is a wonderful help, I think I need that physical meeting...and maybe even a sponsor.  I think I'll feel more accountable to someone I can see and touch (no offense to my wonderful support system here!!!)

Anyway, I am starting to feel truly positive and hopeful that I CAN do this. Don't get me wrong. I have no fantasies about this being easy.  It has been hard and I have had several temptations ...a nice dinner out and thinking...would 1 glass of red wine really matter.  (YES... you nincompoop!)   But I feel...well, hard to put in to words...genuine?  Real?  Like the true "me" is living my life now.  Does that make any sense to anyone? While it is liberating in many ways..also scary as h*** in others...when I do something wrong or stupid, I can only blame myself, not the alcohol.  And when I want to take a chance or try something new, I have to do it without anything to blunt my fears or worries.  

For a year and a half of my life, percocets and oxycodones were my tool.  I used them to erase bad feelings and dampen fears and difficult emotions.  I thought I was hot S*** when I was able to stop using them.  But gradually, insiduously, the alcohol crept in and (in hindsight now), I see how it had become just as much of a crutch as the oxycodone had.  I never bought into "NO MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES" that I now know is essential to long term sobriety.  I do now.  The oxycodone and alcohol are symptoms of my disease.  Not the disease itself.  I finally get that now and understand that I will only stay clean if I get to the bottom of this...figure out ways to deal with my emotions, my baggage and my stress.  Otherwise, I'll just keep finding something new.  

Comments
Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by gizzy32, Jan 18, 2010
Welcome back friend and congrats on those 17 days now. I think it's great your going to go to a meeting Wednesday and gonna start working your recovery. You are taking some big steps here and steps that will help you stay clean.

Remember that nobody here judges, we are all fighting for the same thing. You sound different in this post, like your truly ready now and that is fantastic. I just wanted to wish you luck and hope you stick around this time and share your experience. Proud of you for doing this, hold your head high:)

557230 tn?1269429829
by wanttobeclean, Jan 18, 2010
Thanks Gizzy!  I really do feel different this time. Its like....I'm not "trying to quit" anymore.  I feel less rushed...less like I'm trying to "finish" quitting.  Does that make any sense at all?  I really get it now...I'll never be "done" quitting.  Its more about making sure that I'm doing everything I can, every day to keep my mind right, and keep my disease in check.  It's like dieting...I think I pictured recovery more like a crash diet than like a life long committment to healthy eating and exercising.  Guess I rambling again, but hope I am getting across what I mean ;-))  Anyhow...thanks so much for your support.  You rock, boss!

Avatar universal
by gizzy32, Jan 18, 2010
Your gonna make it this time, i can see it. We have a life long disease, but don't have to live in active addiction or denial no more. You better keep posting here or I will find ya, hehe. Congrats again.

Post a Comment