today started good like every other day i was happy and ready for class. then theh daya startes to progress and i start to feel sad and horrible. well let me start at the beginning I have ben trying to make friends but it never turns out rite. They always want to be more than my friend or i start to talk to someone and all of a sudden the lose interest in me. I always have a boyfriend but its never for the reason i want one. So like now i keep crying wondering why im such a loner and then when someone finally notices me its only for my looks. All of my relationships have turned out to be all about sex and i dont like it. Every friend I have had ever since i started high school has only wanted sex from me. But they never get to know me want to talk to me want to just chill with me. all they want to know is when can i come over and chill which is code for when you going to let me smash. Like two days ago i had a friend who keppt telling me that they couldnt wait to see me and that they have been thinking about me all day they thought we had a good vibe and all. And we didnt have not one conversation about sex the whole time we were talking which to me was a total plus on the friend scale. As soon as they came over and we watched the moive cause they said that they liked them and i told them we could cuddle and all nothing major. Then they kept asking the same question over and over asking me where my spot is and i told them none of your business. And they kept trying to come on to me and when i didnt bite. all of a sudden they were tired and wanted to go home. So its been like two days sense then and they have been avoiding me and not returning my texts. So i started thinking and thinking which made matters worst and so i start crying and crying because i fell for it again. I thought that I could find a true friend but I havent been able to and now im in college with no real social life or a job. I love to read but when I start to read i start to cry cause what these characters have is so beautiful. So I used to draw but I stopped becuase all of my pictures were people in tears crying full of misery lacking happiness. I wrote poems but they are over flowing with heartache and anger. I never knew it would be this hard to find a friend who is half descent and doesnt go off sex and my looks. I have ben feeling so helpless but i dont have sucicidal thoughts only ones about everything i have done and how if any one ever seen the things that i have done to be liked has bought me no where. About how the world is so superfical. How one conversation turns into a booty call. Like nothing else matters at all. Only the bases are covered like where are you from do you have any siblings whats your favorite color are you a virgin what your favorite position what do you like to do can i come over. And i fall for it every time. and today i tested my boyfriend to see if he really likes me but he didnt go into detail about any thing and every time we are together he always asks can we finish. I have been with him about 6 months and i have only seen him under 10 times. and all he wants to know is if he can finish. What are relationships even dased off any more. now that i have typed this i feel a little better but i have a feeling that the pain is going to return and my eyes are goin to run great rivers down my cheeks causing my soul to burn and and heart to ache once again.