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A Traditional/"Conservative" Insight on Passive/Defiant Behavior

Jan 29, 2010 - 0 comments




This is the research I found on traditional/"conservative" ideologies on parenting......The Religious angle(which is mentioned in moderation) does not have to be the root of cause and effect....

Maturity is rooted primarily in self-control which, in turn, facilitates growth in wisdom and responsibility.  The most basic objective of training children, therefore, is the subduing of their self-will.  From the time children are born, parents must develop in them the ability to say “NO” to their own desires and “YES” to their parents.  That is why parental control of young children is imperative.  A child who learns to deny his own desires and submit to his parent’s controls, gains inner controls.  Children are born into the world self-centered, and so must be trained from infancy that the world does not revolve around them.  They must learn that life will not always give them their way.

***The child whose will is never subdued when young, comes to believe that he should have what he wants, when he wants it, and should not have to endure anything he does not like.  He will grow older thinking he is being deprived whenever he does not get what he wants from life, and by his teen years he will become preoccupied with his “rights” and know little of personal responsibility.  The indulged child is frequently angry because he does not get what he thinks is owed him. Ultimately, he will develop a “victim” mentality—nothing is ever his fault—someone else is always to blame for his misery.

Some parents believe that maturity is an inevitable part of growing up and will happen naturally to all children, whether trained or not. Proper rearing of children, in their view, requires only that a parent love them, take them to church, and try to give them a happy childhood.  To them, maturity is a guaranteed byproduct of getting older, so they do little to help the process, and without realizing it—much to hurt it.  All children, unless calamity occurs, will grow older, but only those groomed toward maturity will attain it.  Hence, as parents, we must work diligently to help our children develop the qualities leading to maturity.

What characterizes immaturity?

To further clarify the definition of maturity, we must understand immaturity.  The child whose will is not subdued in the first few years of life is hampered in the maturing process.  No matter how old he gets, a strong self-will ruled by the craving for self-indulgence will be the mark of his immaturity.  Sadly, this self-indulgence characterizes most children today—even in Christian families.  As caring parents it is especially important for us to identify and eliminate that in our child-rearing which feeds the will and fosters self-indulgence in our children.

What are the signs of immaturity and self-indulgence?

Self-indulgence is the drive which demands the satisfaction of one’s wants and desires.  Consider the following symptom list.  Do these symptoms generally characterize your children?

They are indulged if they lack self control

    * Self-indulgence people rarely say “NO” to themselves.
    * They have a difficult time doing in moderation anything which gratifies; they frequently over do it.
    * They do whatever they feel like, or are so used to having their way they think they should have whatever they want.
    * The satisfaction of their own will is foremost in their life—others are considered second, if at all.

They are indulged if they are self-absorbed

    * Self-centeredness so rules self-indulgent people that they live as if the world revolved around them—life is interpreted by how it affects them.
    * Whenever the self-centered child approaches his parents with a question (which may be frequent), it usually involves something he wants for himself. He has few sincere questions regarding the well-being of others.
    * One who is self-consumed, pushes and lobbies parents constantly to get what is wanted; persists even after being refused.
    * May think of others, but only after satisfying themselves.
    * Think they deserve everything that is given to them, and are unappreciative despite the feelings of others; not easily satisfied.
    * They are seldom happy; complain and whine a majority of the time; often discontent.
    * They are preoccupied with fun and self-gratification.
    * Expect for life to be exciting; demand entertainment; frequently bored.
    * Expect to have their own way; express blatant irritation when desires are thwarted.
    * Impatient; demand others’ immediate attention.

  They are indulged if they lack wisdom

    * Their desire for gratification rules them, affecting all of their decisions and actions; they are impulsive and lack discretion.
    * They do not learn from their mistakes; they repeatedly get into trouble for the same offense.
    * They cannot be left alone and trusted to make wise choices.
    * In response to attacks and offenses from younger siblings, they retaliate as if they were small children themselves.
    * When confronted by problems, they foolishly “bury their heads in the sand” and pretend the problem will go away.

They are indulged if they are irresponsible

    * When they sin, they habitually deny their responsibility.
    * Nothing is ever their fault.They are always a victim of others’ failures. Someone or something else is to blame.
    * When they get caught for breaking the rules, they do not see their penalty as a consequence of their choices, but hold responsible the one who caught them or turned them in.
    * Even their anger is someone else’s fault.
    * They resent work or anything that requires self-discipline.
    * They are lazy; they habitually play during chore time, and look for ways to get out of work.
    * They despise opportunities to serve others, particularly their siblings.
    * They thought of serving others rarely crosses their mind.
    * In response to assigned chores—role their eyes; complain; disappear—before, during and after task; do as little as possible.
    * After completion of assigned tasks, refuse to ask, “Is there anything more I can do?”

Some parents read a list like this and respond with excitement—their children are on the right path!  Others, however, respond with discouragement—they thought their children were heading in a good direction, but now realize they are off course. Parents, do not despair!  Thank the Lord for the timely course correction. Yes, there is work to be done, but effort invested into developing maturity is never wasted.

Using the goal of maturity as a basis for parental decisions

To restate our premise—a proper understanding of maturity and immaturity is foundational to effective parenting, for without a clear understanding of the goals of parenting we have no frame of reference for parental decisions.  To evaluate our parenting decisions we need simply determine: What will this activity, organization, or relationship, foster within our children—maturity or immaturity?  It is really that simple.

The problem is that as modern American parents we have come to believe the misnomer that children will eventually reach maturity by themselves, and little input from us is needed.  Rather than making maturity our primary goal for them, we mistakenly substitute as a goal a happy and fulfilling childhood. Consequently, from the time our children are born, we feed their desire for self-indulgence and accidentally keep them immature.  By the time they reach their teen years they are just like the other “normal” self-involved teenagers whose parents also made a fun childhood their chief goal.  Since so many American parents indulge their children, America is filled with immature, gratification-oriented teenagers.  National researchers and experts, not realizing that teenage rebellion and self-absorption is a phenomena of this century, and unique to only a few affluent nations like ours, have concluded such behavior is a natural and temporary phase of growing up.  Parents expect it and accept it.  Most teens do grow up, but sadly, too few become mature.

Although most of us as parents love our children, our commitment to their happiness harms them.  Indulged children are unprepared for adulthood.  They have been sent the message that their personal happiness is of supreme importance, so they grow up thinking it is owed them.  They ultimately lack the self-discipline necessary for successful employment, and their self-centeredness will cause strife in their marriages.  Then when their marriages fail, they will not consider it their fault—they will be innocent “victims” of their spouse’s shortcomings. From the time they are young, our children must learn that life is not about fun and entertainment, nor is it about personal happiness and self-gratification. It is about responsibility and serving others.  It is finding joy in honoring God and loving our neighbors.

What has life taught us?

Those of us who have lived at least 25 years have learned that life is hard—things don’t always go our way—we don’t always get what we want in life.  Our children must be prepared in their youth for the challenges they will find in life.  They must learn that they cannot have everything they want, and that they can endure well with less than they hoped for.  

To mature properly, children must learn while they are still toddlers to obey their parents quickly and without resistance, and to endure hard situations humbly.With their parents’ help, they can learn as early as possible to die to themselves, preparing them to live for serving others/spiritual beliefs,etc.... Otherwise, as teenagers, they will remain self-consumed, rebellious, and far from God.May we as parents be faithful to do what is right.

How to know it is time to chastise

Any child who knowingly or willfully disobeys is in rebellion and needs chastisement.

****Keep in mind that it is not the significant effect of the rebellious action that merits the rod--it is the rebellion itself, i.e., it is not that they woke the baby up when they went into the off-limits room--it is the fact that they entered it in direct disobedience to your word.  It is not the fact that they only took a crumb of cake after they were told not to touch it--it is that they intentionally disobeyed you.

***CAUTION: Beware of trying to cure rebellion with "creative alternatives."  Any alternative to chastisement is an alternative to Scripture--God offers no better solutions to subduing rebellion outside the Bible.

How to identify rebellion

A rebellious child is one…

whose actions or attitude are in direct defiance of parental authority

who asserts his will against the will of his parents
who resists his parents’ efforts to direct his life

*****Rebellion is manifested either actively or passively.

Active rebellion

Knowingly disobeying—Active Rebellion
Willful, conscious disobedience to commands or established rules.

. Defiant verbal resistance—Active Rebellion
Any form of sass or back-talk.
Intentions to disobey are announced by saying, “No!” Some offer a more blatantly disrespectful phrase of defiance, such as, “Drop dead,” “Forget you,” Get a life,” or “Whatever,” etc.
Will not accept parents’ authority to make a decision. Refuses to take “No” for an answer.
After receiving parents’ decision, voices opinions relentlessly, even after instructed that the discussion is over.
Fostered by parents who cave in to verbal resistance.

    . Ignoring instructions—Active Rebellion

    * After receiving parental instruction they continue to do as they please, as if they had never been spoken to.
    * When receiving a tap under the table or a “look” from their parent which obviously says, “Knock it off,” they look away or pretend they received no communication (Parents blind to this form of rebellion will allow a child to not answer, perhaps even excusing their misbehavior as fatigue or mood.)

1. Consistent forgetfulness—Passive Rebellion
Common to children is occasional forgetfulness. Consistent forgetfulness, however, is a form of rebellion.
When they can remember to set their alarm and dress themselves for soccer practice, but habitually forget to take out the garbage, they are demonstrating they can be capable when they choose to be.  They just need greater motivation.
Remembers the entire prime time TV schedule, or never misses their favorite radio show, but always forgets to do their homework or make their bed.
They remember all that is important to them.

2. External obedience with a bad attitude—Passive Rebellion
Obeys outwardly, but sends a defiant message: sulking, grumbling, whining, pouting, angry door slamming, glaring, silence, rough treatment of others or objects, etc.
They will obey, because they have to, but they will make you miserable.
They cooperate with your directions, but talk, complain, or whine about it the entire time.

3. Obeying only on own terms—Passive Rebellion
Does not come exactly when called; walks softly.
Postpones obedience to show who’s boss.
Does just one more after being told to stop.
Dictates to parent when they will obey: “I’m getting a drink first,” or “I’ll be there in a minute.”

4. Doing what is required, but not how it should be done—Passive Rebellion
Does chores, but not by parents’ established standards, i.e., dishes are not quite clean, bed is not made properly, bedroom is not ordered as required.
You direct them to sit in their high chair and they squat.
Parents foster rebellion when they decide that rather than fight them, they will settle for partial obedience.

5. Walking away while being spoken to—Passive Rebellion
Leaves the room while parent is in mid-sentence or during a pause between sentences.
Keeps inching his way to the door before he’s been dismissed. (Considered passive rebellion, because children are often unaware they are doing this.)

6. Lying to escape discipline—Passive Rebellion
Premeditated lying is active rebellion, but reactively lying to escape discipline may be so unconsciously done that it qualifies as passive.
Many parents just expect their children to lie to get out of trouble, so neglect to chastise for it. It is important to chastise extra for this form of rebellion.

7. Violating unspoken, but understood rules—Passive Rebellion
Although some rules are never spelled out, and some behaviors are never specifically prohibited, our children still know better. They intentionally disregard what they know will please you. What gives them away when they are caught, is behavior which suggests a violated conscience.
They must do some justifying in their minds, i.e., Johnny takes Dad’s power tool out of the garage to show his friends, knowing it would displease his parents, but justifies it to himself, saying, “Dad lets me use it sometimes.” Yet, he jumps and hides the tool when Mom walks up to them.
Some children grant themselves permission to change an established house rule, because on one occasion their dad saw them violating it, but did not say anything. Their dad’s inattention to what they were doing did not mean the rule had changed, and they know that, but they conveniently took his silence as permission.

Responding to rebellion with threats: the danger of only threatening to discipline

Children must learn early on that it is the authority of a parent’s word which they must heed and that discipline will always be merited by willful defiance of that word. The parent who makes that clear to a young child and then proceeds throughout their childhood to regularly warn of each impending discipline, accidentally sends the message that their word is not to be taken seriously.Their warnings may succeed in curtailing immediate misbehavior, *****but their child will learn to disrespect their word—and them.

Parents usually offer these warnings because they hope to correct rebellion without resorting to discipline. However, the child who is asserting his will against his parents, is already in need of chastisement. ****The constant threats and reminders of impending discipline are blatant efforts to persuade a child to cease from misbehavior, and will not subdue the will.

THE CLEAR RULE.  Tell a child a few times early in his life that he must be absolutely obedient to your word.  After that, he must be held accountable to abide by all parental commands and should expect the pre-established consequences for violations, without further warnings.  

"Humanism in your world has been created by satan. You will bring back the adages of old of: Spare the rod, and you will spoil the child. Discipline must be returned to the homes." - St. Joachim, July 25, 1973

PSYCHOLOGISTS/PSYCHIATRISTS RATIONALIZING SIN  (This is TRUE on SO MANY LEVELS..regardless of religious practices or not)
"Much, My children, you must accept in faith ****Scientists of your world and your psychologists and psychiatrists rationalize everything, until sin is accepted as a way of life--scientists who are ever searching but never coming to the truth!

"My children, you will keep a firm foundation of faith in the hearts of your children. You cannot expect others to do this fatherly and motherly obligation. You as mothers and fathers are the keepers for the souls of your children, and as such you are held accountable in the eyes of all Heaven for the fall of your children's souls. You will also as parents battle satan as he seeks to destroy your families. It will be father against son and mother against daughter, division in the home, as satan becomes stronger in his conquest.”

“My children, do not allow the enemies to take from you the knowledge of the existence of Heaven, hell, and purgatory. Your children are the major, now, the major martyrs--and I say martyrs. **Be it not for the laxity of the parents, the schools, and many in My Son's Church, many of you parents would not be shedding this evenings tears of remorse and grief at the loss of your children, knowing not whether they have been saved or lost forever.

“You will all keep a constant vigilance of prayer going throughout your country and the world. I admonish all parents now to spend at least fifteen minutes of your day reading the Bible to your children and your family. It is now a command from the Eternal Father! For the little children no longer know or recognize the angel guardians. The little children have no conception of the truth of the Divinity or the existence of My Son. The little children are now being taught the ways of satan.”

“Your children are being programmed to kill! Your children will be unrecognizable if you as parents do not act to stop this evil! “Satan has an advantage, My children. He has convinced many that he is not there or around or even exists. He has convinced many that he is a myth. How clever he has been in his operation, My children!”  

"Children will continue to rise up against their parents, being encouraged by their schools, their teachers, their news medis, and all the medias that have been well planned to seduce the souls of your children."

“There must be a constant vigilance within the homes. Parents must not be caught up in the cares of their worldly living, in their pursuit of pleasure and entertainment, and leave their children to wander, undisciplined, unguided, and falling into sin and the loss of their souls."

"Parents must have firm discipline in the home. Parents must supervise the teaching of their children."

“My children, your children, parents, are the victims now of your laxity. They are the victims of their elders. All foul manner of acts are being taught them in their schools, in their secret societies. And why? Because you as parents are too lax in your duty. You flitter to and fro looking for pleasures and gathering the materials of your world. And for what?"

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