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Day 7

Jan 29, 2010 - 1 comments

I don't know what to do so i guess i will write and get all my feelings out.  I hate this.  I really ****** do!  I am having serious back pain and it kept me up all night.  I have back issues but nothing like this.  I can't even get comfortable.  The fact that i am desperately craving makes it even harder for me to want to give in to the pain.  My mind is telling me to go to the dr and tell her about my back pain even though she has never seen me for that before.  But it is getting closer to closing time at the dr so if i just make it a little longer i won't be able to make an appt.  I feel like i am starting all over on day one.  Some  people say on here about once you have gone through hell wd then you would never want to use again.  That is just not true for me.  I went through hell labor and still had more babies.  Once your physical pain is gone then you are ready for that challenge again.  You mind somehow makes you beleive it won't be that hard the next wd.  I know everyone has their opinion but just venting mine.  I better go keep my mind occupied before i do something stupid.  I really want to make it through this and hope that i do.  

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by moonshyne777, Jan 29, 2010
I'm having one of those days too.. It's taking everything from me, the mind games are unbelievable but I just keep telling myself to hang in there. One more hour, one more day..it's weird there are times I feel ok and at peace and then suddenly I'm wracked with all the ******** this addiction dishes out. They say time will make it easier but it is that time in between now and thn that will no doubt be a daily struggle. I believe Calamity said it best when she wrote ''you gotta be ok with not being ok for awhile'' I keep telling myself this isn't forever. Freshly detoxed, full of emotion and trying my best to cope I know I can't expect to be ''norml'' again overnight. It's only been five days. Take it an hour at a time. Last night I had an episode where I nearly cracked. I mean it just consumed me. I fought against it and woke up this morning and felt good for about an hour - then it started. You know what I'm talking about. That ****. It seems to come in waves for me. Just when I think I'm at a good place in my head the carpet is pulled out and I starting craving and going nuts in my head. I hang in there, it takes EVERY ouce of will I have but it does pass and I feel okay again for a little while. I agree with keeping busy. Letting yourself dwell on how ****** you feel makes it torture. Get out if you can. Change of scenery or whatever you need to do to keep fighting. We've come this far - don't throw in the towel. Tommorow will be better and the day after that will be even better. The more time we put between the last pill and us the better. We can have our freedom but we gotta earn it bit by bit. This is the HARDEST thing a person can do. This addiction is unlike I could have ever imagined. It's devious, sneaky and cunning and you got to outsmart it. YOUR DOING IT!! WE'RE DOING IT! I couldn't go 2 or 3 hours without a dose before 5 days ago and now although I'm coming out of the fog and feel so good at times that damn demon is a persistent little ****** and will try to con you back in. Don't fall for it. Weather the storm as best you can and we will get to a good place. Can you make an NA meeting? I just want to talk in person with real live people who were as bad as I was on the oxys and have them give me hope. I know there are people out there who have jumped from much higher then 100mgs a day and got lots of clean time now. Talking to them might give me more inner strength to keep fighting this beast until he tires and slowly leaves. He'll always be there. But his power over me will diminish as long as I stay strong and not feed the beast. He will starve and weaken and I will grow stronger. You will too!!!! We're both strong people. We made it this far right? I think thats why aftercare is important. Keeps giving you the strength you need to keep fighting this battle. Hang in there girl and I'm praying for both of us. We'll find a way back to life, being ok in our own skin. We're like fish outta water right now but we'll get there. Sending you lots of peaceful energy. J

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