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May I ask for comfort?  A puzzle of a Journal Entry I'm Afraid :-\

Jul 07, 2015 - 4 comments
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scared



I am so sad and scared.  I went to my Dad's Funeral today, it felt surreal.  My friend came with me, she was brilliant and got me through - I don't think she knew how much help she really was.  My whole being felt tortured....I can't communicate...I can't explain, so nobody is going to understand.  Why, oh why can't I ??  I want to share.  I did e-mail my Doctor, because it's got to that time, now he's gone.  I need to heal, or, at least solve some of the muddle I have in my mind from the past. I think I'm going to crumble,shake and collapse pathetically.  I need to cry right now, but I can't.  I feel like I've been violently slapped in the face.  Come on Beanie0 please, please.  The smile - :-)

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Avatar universal
by Amandag78, Jul 07, 2015
Hey girl. Damn... I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dad.
Understandable your feeling like this. I have no words that will come close to comforting you, but i am certainly here for you.
All you can do is keep doing what you can to get through this aweful time.
Im so glad your friend was there for you. It sounds like it was a blessing that she was there to hold your hand.
Vic is a really good one to talk to about this. She has lost so many loved ones.
You wont crumble because you have conquered addiction and are proving your strength everyday.
I know you must be so lost and confused right now, so just know that i am always here for you.
Take care. Im thinking of you and sending love ♡♡♡

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by Beanie0, Jul 08, 2015
Fank You for your kindness.  I managed to have a little cry, which helped me.  I love my Dad to bits, and he was the only member of family whom I got on with.  Having contact with the rest of the family caused rather a lot of turbulence because of past abuse issues I had with my Dad.  I was disbelieved back then, but recently my crazy brother wanted me to tell my Dad and my Step Mum that I lied - which I did for him, just to keep the peace.  I felt so angry at him to go and bring it all up to the present.  I've made excuses for years that my Dad was forgiven because his marriage with my Mum had ended - he was just depressed.  Having to say that nothing did happen and it was my Mental Health that made me accuse him of sexual abuse ..... well, I'm struggling now.  It's caused conflict within my mind, so that's why I had to contact my Doctor - I could not have taken that action if he was still alive.  Life is not straight forward at all is it at times.
So I've shared, and I thank you for reading this.  Hope it sort of makes sense!  Beanie0 :-) x

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by spider6, Jul 08, 2015
I'm sorry honey...for your pain...I have a similar experience. Bless you and your heart. xo

Avatar universal
by Amandag78, Jul 08, 2015
Oh gee. Yes I had the same experience with my step dad. I never told anyone in fear of not being believed.
Unfortunantly he did it to someone else and thank the Lord the ******* got locked up a couple weeks ago.
I'm sorry you had to pretend you were lying. That is just aweful.
I understand you need to grieve though.
I'm glad you had a cry and you felt a bit better. Hang in there ok.
Lots of Love xx

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