Jul 13, 2015
I found a guy who was 4 years clean. Had worked the steps 2 times. We were an NA “power couple” whatever that means. Shortly into our relationship he relapsed. And it was a “1 time thing” people kept telling me to leave, but our bible study/church friends said not to give up. He used a few more times, each time he would use he would leave the house and drive around and eventually come home.
And every time he left a part of me would hurt and die inside, I knew this feeling was dangerous…
My meeting attendance was good still 4-6 a week ( I was hitting 7-10)
I started thinking that I was being judged because every time he’d leave I would cry and then he would come back we would be fine for a while. It was a cycle though and the more it happened the harder it was to reach out.
I had it in my head that as long as I stay clean and he used away from me I would be ok.
So Friday night we had to rewrite his payday loan to pay bills
He admitted to using earlier that day and he admitted to not wanting to stop. It hit me he didn’t want to quit. He told me to leave with all the money, My stomach was churning. I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away. Like love can conqueror all HA!
I could have called people, I could have left, I could have kicked him out. I made a conscience decision to get high because at least we will be together.
I’m sick and I don’t want to go back to meetings, I don’t want to tell people I used. I have a heart issue and im having some discomfort and a migraine that’s lasted 3 days. Hopefully it will pass.
I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, but I don’t want to let him go.
I am not ready, I have 2 days clean and IDK if I want to stay clean, I don’t want to leave him. And in finding love I have lost my soul. I cant look people in the eye I feel like they know
I am struggling between us getting n staying clean together and this impending loneliness
I don’t want to go back down this road
We smoked 500 in crack in 24 hours. I cant tell people I cant start over I don’t want to hear their solutions
I am lost and alone and scared
This is me being honest…and idk what to do
Or if I am done I am so sorry I let you down
I cant face them though! I cant