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Jul 13, 2015 - 5 comments

I found a guy who was 4 years clean. Had worked the steps 2 times. We were an NA “power couple” whatever that means. Shortly into our relationship he relapsed. And it was a “1 time thing” people kept telling me to leave, but our bible study/church friends said not to give up. He used a few more times, each time he would use he would leave the house and drive around and eventually come home.
And every time he left a part of me would hurt and die inside, I knew this feeling was dangerous…
My meeting attendance was good still 4-6 a week ( I was hitting 7-10)
I started thinking that I was being judged because every time he’d leave I would cry and then he would come back we would be fine for a while. It was a cycle though and the more it happened the harder it was to reach out.
I had it in my head that as long as I stay clean and he used away from me I would be ok.
So Friday night we had to rewrite his payday loan to pay bills
He admitted to using earlier that day and he admitted to not wanting to stop. It hit me he didn’t want to quit. He told me to leave with all the money, My stomach was churning. I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away. Like love can conqueror all HA!
I could have called people, I could have left, I could have kicked him out. I made a conscience decision to get high because at least we will be together.
I’m sick and I don’t want to go back to meetings, I don’t want to tell people I used. I have a heart issue and im having some discomfort and a migraine that’s lasted 3 days. Hopefully it will pass.
I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, but I don’t want to let him go.
I am not ready, I have 2 days clean and IDK if I want to stay clean, I don’t want to leave him. And in finding love I have lost my soul. I cant look people in the eye I feel like they know
I am struggling between us getting n staying clean together and this impending loneliness
I don’t want to go back down this road
We smoked 500 in crack in 24 hours. I cant tell people I cant start over I don’t want to hear their solutions
I am lost and alone and scared
This is me being honest…and idk what to do
Or if I am done I am so sorry I let you down
I cant face them though! I cant


Comments
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6990909 tn?1435279416
by jugglin, Jul 13, 2015
Oh Heather, I am really sorry to see this post.  Please don't worry about what others think of you....addicts don't (certainly shouldn't) judge you whatsoever.  You are such a sweet, giving spirit.  You need to learn how to love yourself instead of waiting for a man to love you.  We don't know each other that well, but I do know that desire to be loved.  I think mine has to do with losing my mom young.  You, girl, are a good person.  You relapsed....who hasn't?  Have you tried any form of counseling?  Maybe one on one with your pastor?

You know that if you stay with him this cycle will continue.  People who care about you cannot in good conscious tell you to stay with him.  I am so sorry because I know how much you love him....how much you love being loved by him.  But this is toxic right now.  It is.  I think you took the first step by writing this journal.  You should be proud of yourself for reaching out.  That is a HUGE deal.

I am lifting you up in prayer girl and sending you hugs!

5685035 tn?1423936569
by Heather8448, Jul 13, 2015
im not ready to leave him

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by motye51, Jul 13, 2015
You and i both know the hardest step will be to walk back in....but you can do it. No judgement....its whats best for you. Time to put yourself first....his recovery is his recovery and yours is yours. You messed up, it happens, pick yourself back up.and try again. Your friends and support in n/a will be there for you. Isnt it amazing how heavy that phone feels when we need to use it for help? Ive noticed this at times when i should call my sponser and dont.....i can come up with any excuse in the book??
Dont quit.....GO BACK!

Avatar universal
by msdelight, Jul 13, 2015
Heather no man is worth losing your sobriety for. It's better to be alone.  Seems like if you keep going to meetings, this is the kind of person your going to meet. He's done the steps twice, and you did too. And look at all.of y'all crankin up 500 worth of crack. That is just so crazy to me. Are you sure NA works? I have my doubts ...
Heather what you need is one on one council to get to the root of your using, which I suspect is loneliness and low self esteem.  Until you work on that you will never be clean. You through it all out the window because you want to be wanted. NA ain't gonna fix that hun. You need to associate with regular people,  non addicts so you can meet a man who does not come with a ton of baggage.  You are surrounding yourself with addicts and addiction at NA. I don't think its good for you. You are so much more than an ex-addict. Put it behind you and move on to being a regular person.

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by spider6, Jul 13, 2015
Hey heather babe....sorry you're going through this......I love what both Juggy and MsD had to say........you know what to do....get to a therapist to help,you through it.  

Prayers girl....don't hate yourself...it's too easy to drown your sorrows when you live in that space...

Hugs

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