Jul 22, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a mixture of extreme negativity and laziness, or if it really is severe depression. I feel like I've been stuck in a black hole for a few years already and each time I started climbing out I would eventually slip back down. And people, they can only hold their hands out to help me up for so long until they get tired and give up. That's one of the worst things about chronic depression I think. Most times I have already given up or I am barely hanging on to hope, so when I notice others are sick of it and start to give up hope it makes it that much worse. How can I believe I am meant to be here, that there's hope and purpose and a future for me? How am I supposed to believe I can win the fight when everyone around me has finally just accepted my depression and anxiety as my personality. To my family and some "friends", I AM depression and anxiety.
I never leave my room anymore. For the first time my body is actually responding to my mental health in the form of serious illness and sickness. I panic when I'm out of my room for too long. I have anxiety at the thought of putting on makeup to go somewhere and even worse I dread having to come home and use so much energy taking the makeup off. I'm distant and mute around everyone now. I hide away in corners and dodge interaction at all costs. I'm beyond the point of faking a smile.
I miss when I had the strength to get help. Medications, intensive therapy mostly twice a week and sometimes a 3rd time for an "emergency appointment". But I did it. It got way worse before I began feeling better and lighter. For two years straight I didn't give up. Suddenly it just stopped. I don't have the energy or motivation to fight. I only put off my general health and well-being now.
I WANT to want to get better. I want to feel that motivation or courage. I can't seem to find the push or the faith now.