Jul 24, 2015
Why can't I pull myself together? Why do I find excuses for everything? I even know I'm doing it and feel like an idiot. Do I want to be depressed? I guess I'm just withering away, waiting for death at this point. I have no idea what this has already done to my body. It has never been this bad. I've never felt this lonely and misunderstood in my life. Depression used to be a battle but now it is just who I am...it's life.
I think I have a terrible Psychiatrist. I've seen him for years and never complained. He's done a lot for me and made many exceptions. Now I'm realizing all these decisions have made me worse. The terrible part is two meds are habit forming. One of them sends me into a psychotic anxiety-panic state if I don't take it (benzo) which I hate because my anxiety is worse than it's ever been. I blame the stupid medication, and my doctor for keeping me on what is supposed to be a short term medication. The other medication is just pure addiction. It's awful, miserable, and I hate the way my life is. Binging, running out, then literally counting down to refill.
I don't know who I am or what to do to get help. I thought this may help but I can't even find it in me to talk to people online anymore. I can't talk to anyone. It's a task that drains me and I lack the motivation to keep up with it.
I do wish I had a friend to force me up every now and then. I guess it is what it is.