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just stuff

Dec 14, 2007 - 0 comments

I have  to start to write all the things that have been going on in my head since i quit percs over 3 weeks ago.

I first have to embrace the feeling I have every morning. You see that was always the time I felt the most guilt, the very deep sadness almost overwelming feeling of self loathing. I used to try to put it out of my head as fast as i could.

I don't have to do that now.

Also, i used to rush home from work on Friday to get my buzz going. And by the time my dear sweet husband would get home I would be way high. You know how when you're high, you think you are soooo smart, witty etc. that you just CAN'T shut your mouth? So I'd be yapping away and soon it would turn into bitching -LOVELY. My husband works very hard and very long stressful hours. I don't want to be that kind of wife.

I also would isolate myself (and consequently my husband as well). I wasn't able to do the amount of drinking/drug if the was company in the house. I am working to try to fix that, too.

And that's not to mention everything else that goes along with addiction....lying, stealing,doing dumb/dangerous things etc.Traits that aren't really me.(although my DR made it very easy to get these scripts, I wonder how many of his patients are in the same boat).

So, as it stands now I feel GREAT. I don't even feel like counting days "clean". I don't even want to look back. Maybe this is a mistake, but my plan is to think to myself -I used to take pills, that was dumb, but that was before. onward.

I do admit I still do need a little "high". I get that via exercise. It's all good.

Some people might think I didn't have a "big" problem (3-5 pers/day with alcohol BUT FOR 20+ YEARS). But it is/was a problem and big to me.

I can't believe how lucky I am today. I abused my body repeatedly and my liver is still hanging in there. I have a great life and job, great hubby, family, and a nice little mutt.

And I was so close so many times to blowing it.

Thanks God, I owe you.

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